I did it- Now what?
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I did it- Now what?
| Tue, 10-31-2006 - 1:39pm |
I've been married for 12 years, with 3 kids. Our marriage has gotten better and more relaxed in the past 5. We had a "spontaneous, one time, do something exciting" night( I had sex in front of my husband) with his bestfriend 2 years ago and now he's obsessed with me being with another man. Everytime we are with other friends of his he makes comments to me and to them about me sexually. I've told him over and over again not to do it, that he's playing with fire and messing with my emotions. I even found him on a website that looks for people in the area willing to have a threesome. I freaked out and got really upset. He is always trying to "set me up" to be with other men in front of him and I don't know what to do. He's a great husband and an amazing father and I don't think its reason to end a marriage over but its bringing me down and I can't get that across to him. Have you seen the show "What About Brian" recently, we are in kinda the same scenario, and he may "get burned" if he pushes it. Has a played out fantasy ever become an obsession for anyone? Obviously I regret it, but telling him to stop hasn't helped.

Welcome to the board, hesitate2.
Hi. Welcome. Sorry to hear about your problems.
I will offer some thoughts. To put them into context, you need to know a little about where I am coming from. I am a high libido female married to a lower libido guy. A couple years ago, we started playing around from time to time with other couples to augment our sex life. For us, it was an accommodation to my need for more sexual play than DH was naturally interested in providing. So, I come from a done that and do that background. So you can take what I write here with a grain (or two) of salt.
He clearly wants a repeat engagement. You'd like the super secret solution that will cause him to stop wanting it. I am afraid that there is no such solution. I assume you have made it clear to him, in no uncertain terms, that you have no interest in a repeat performance. Nonetheless, the sexual excitement he gained from the experience draws him like a moth to the flame. So, I think you have three options.
1. End your relationship with him.
2. Recognize and understand the powerful attraction he has to the event and investigate whether there is anything that you are willing to do short of a repeat performance that might give him something close to the same sexual excitement (or something that he is willing to live with as a substitute). For example, enhanced fantasy play, etc.
3. Accept that he isn't going to change and that, if you want to stay in a relationship with him, you may have to indulge him from time to time.
It is possible that once it becomes clear that you have selected 1, he will change his tune. But, from what you have described, I doubt that any change that he might portray will be real or long lasting. Moreover, there is a real possibility that he will say, "fine, let's end it" also.
It is my experience that the type of conflict you are describing is generally associated with a mismatching of libidos. For example, he is a once a day kind of guy. You are more of a once a week sort of girl. That sort of thing. And, so, the conflict isn't really about the non-monagomous behavior as it is about more sexual behavior generally. However, your post really doesn't go into how your sex life together is otherwise. So, I cannot know whether this is a problem/issue too or not. I'd be interested if you and he share the same level of desire for sexual interaction and, if not, how different your levels are.
Also, you clearly are not interested in a repeat performance. And, you really don't have to have a reason. But, I am personally curious as to why that is. I think I can guess at it, but I don't want to suggest an answer and make it become yours.
Let's think about this one for a moment, shall we. Let's turn sex into a weapon. Hummm. Yeah, I am sure that is the right answer.
Show him who is boss. Cut him off. Make him beg for it.
Sure, that's what loving couples do in a committed relationship. Forget trying to understand his motivations and sexual desire. Don't even think about communicating your motivations and sexual desire. Just give him an ultimatum! Fight a pitched battle to establish your sexual dominance over him. MAKE HIM SQUEEEEEEAAAAALLLLLLL!
Yeah, I am sure that will work.
She sure showed me who was the boss.
hamil
It is really hard to reply to this posting as it sounds as though you have told him that you are not interested in a repeat performance but I am wondering if you are giving him an incongruent message (verybally saying no but non verbally expressing some interest). From personal experience the message needs to be 100% no / 100% yes without conflicting messages.
Have you ever said to him after the event two years ago that you would consider doing it again, maybe get aroused by the idea, or maybe flirt without knowing it in front of him? These are a few ideas where an incongruent message might be given and you are best to figure out if this is the case.
If you sincerely believe that your message (verbally and non verbally) has been 100% no then my recommendation would be to sit down to talk with him in a non judgemental and non threatening way to find out what is motivating this behavior. My guess is that after the event the two of you did not take time to debrief and talk about it. Now it is beginning to surface it head and the two of you need a way to resolve it.
Hamil, have you seen a doctor about this?