''We're 55 years old - need help

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2006
''We're 55 years old - need help
9
Fri, 11-10-2006 - 8:51am

My husband and I have been married 35 years, both virgins when married.
My hasband and I love each other deeply - we are 55 years old.
We have been going to Las Vegas strip clubs over the last few years to "liven it up", lap dances,etc.
My husband would like to get a stripper for the "two of us" for sex. He would really like this alot and keeps talking about it.
We keep fighting about it.

I don't want this. I don't like girls. My husband would also like a guy for me.

I am being too "old fashioned" in my ideas. He says we should have an experience now while we can....time could be running out.

I love him so much, and feel so hurt that I can't agree with him. I don't get sexually excited about the idea. Is there something wrong with me that I don't get aroused by the idea? I don't know what to tell my husband, it makes me feel like something is wrong with me sexually.

Also, what do people talk about in bed? If we're not talking about this subject, then there is a void.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Fri, 11-10-2006 - 9:09am
Huh, sounds like he has himself a good old fashion obsession here! And guess what ngrid...you are quite normal with your feelings. Many of us here, even in Taboos, are not up for anything more than a two-some. Go out beyond this board where you have some of the more liberal thinking and you are in a huge majority. More than two-somes are quite rare relatively speaking...and for good reason. For many of us, we do not have what it takes to share the one we love so deeply, or we cannot envision ourselves with anyone else. And I personally cannot find one thing wrong with that.
If my dw asked me for a three-some, I would talk to her about it to find out why she is thinking about this and then make sure she is aware of what awaits us on the other side of that experience and see if she is still up for it. If so, then I will proceed carefully with her. But if she never asks, I will be just fine! But I will admit to being a bit borderline on this concept, so I totally see, and respect, your position. There is one thing to be a giving partner, but there is a fine line between being a giving partner and a used partner.
I would love to experience anal sex like you wouldn't believe. I have had that desire for over 20 years now. My dw and I in the 16 years we have been married have talked about it all of 6 or 7 times (half those times she is bringing it up to see if I am still an ass pervert...LOL). She is still holding to her "no" position, and I respect that. Yes, I am a tad disappointed...sometimes deeply disappointed, but that is my issue really. Perhaps he is feeling he can wear you down with his constant talking about this. Let him know this is one of the few places you draw the line...and that you are not alone in your thinking with this. Read up on the pitfalls of this (I am sure some members can provide the downside this presents for those who hesitantly enter this area of sexuality versus wholeheartedly).
Now, if you are at all borderline, do some reading yourself to see if perhaps you do have it in you as well. Bottom line, he has to respect something you just cannot do. And respect includes dropping it...or finding something else to obsess about that you are into.
I hope more seasoned members here can help...good luck!!!
btw...first time I have seen you...welcome if that is the case!!!
Avatar for cl_littlemascara
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Fri, 11-10-2006 - 9:34am

HI ngrid,


Wow, your DH needs to cool his jets.



iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Fri, 11-10-2006 - 10:41am

ngrid, my heart goes out to you. I know this is a difficult place to be in. But I agree with the other posters....it sounds to me like this has become an issue beyond sexuality and into one of simple respect. Maybe you can approach the topic that way....how his constant chatter of this is making you feel disrespected and inadequate. Put it out there to him about that.....you feel like maybe something's wrong with you. Which there's not, by the way!!!!!

I'm with Talbed....I understand the fantasy, but for my own circumstances, I'm hestitant to go there. An awful lot more needs to happen in our relationship before I'll even consider it. But the key with us is, even though my SO has been a swinger much of his adult life, he's setting that aside for now (realizing that "for now" will likely become "forever") until the time if and when that I reach a comfort level with it.

Good luck....approaching even our life long mates with something sooooo sensitive as our innermost feelings about ourselves is very, very scary.

Lucky

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2006
Fri, 11-10-2006 - 10:49am

There's nothing wrong with you. I have no attraction to women, or have any desire to have another man touch me. My BF has a threesome fantssy but it wil never be realised with me.

Put your foot down firmly with him. You will not do it so get used to it. And if you have no attraction to women then the strip clubs seem to be all about him again. Instead of trying to liven it up by adding someone else to the group why not try and spice things up between you. There are many things that you can try. You don't have to like everything.

I can imagine how hurt you must be to feel that you are not enough for him in his eyes. Don't let yourself be coerced into doing something you really don't want to, you will regret it.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2005
Fri, 11-10-2006 - 11:35am

Definitely nothing wrong with you. He needs to decide which is more important, staying in a monogomous relationship with you or not. It is that simple, and that is how you each need to deal with it. After 35 years, we all hope that he will make the sane choice.

Obsessions are powerful things. Frankly, I cannot imagine only ever having one sexual partner. So, the attraction to play with another just for the experience must be very, very great. But, if you give into the obsession, and he enjoys the experience, there will be no turning back the clock. You will be exactly where you are today (only with him more obsessive than ever). So, if he cannot give up the obsession, it is better that you end the relationship now then wait until after you have done something that you are simply uncomfortable doing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Fri, 11-10-2006 - 12:11pm
Obsessions do tend to cloud judgement at times. And when you are in them you tend to find things that support them as well. I see him as a bit lost right now, and you are probably the only thing to bring him out of it (though sometimes time does that as well on its own). Do so lovingly and carefully. Let him see the error in his ways and you will have a true transformation...then you two can go off and find that other thing that sparks BOTH of you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 11-10-2006 - 2:53pm

Welcome to the board, ngrid.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2004
Fri, 11-10-2006 - 4:55pm
does he know what price he is talking about? to hire two pros its 4000 to 5000 dollars. thats what they charge in las vegas. find out what he likes and do it to him for free. most men have a little something that turns them on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2002
Sat, 11-11-2006 - 1:48am

You've told your husband you aren't interested in doing this, and he needs to accept it.