people pleaser

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2006
people pleaser
Tue, 06-02-2009 - 10:52am
My family and friends has always been incredibly important to me. Because I value others opinions of me, I've alwaysed ask for the opinions of others.
Recently, I have begun noticing that I am beginning to lose my sense of self, what makes me happy.
I am not becoming depressed, but perhaps a little resentful because I am not on the life path I'd envissioned. I've always been described as fun and very private which to me can be difficult.Eventually, I hope to become satisfied with me because not only am I losing my sense of self, trying to alter your persona for everyone is very tiring!
Intellectually, I realize that I am okay that way that I am, but how do I get my emotions to chill?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 06-03-2009 - 6:02am

Hi Sweetbeauty30!

I am going to ask you some questions here:

How do you phrase the questions that you ask your close circle of family and friends?

How would you describe yourself?

Why is being fun and very private difficult for you? Do you not see yourself as fun and very private, or are you having difficulties being fun and very private? Are you fun and very private?

What life path do you envision yourself on, and on what life path are you now on?

IMHO, the opinions of those in my closest circle is important but the *most* important is my opinion about myself. My opinion about myself, the way that I see myself and the way that I am is where I stand, and where I root myself to.

If you imagine yourself as a tree, who you are, what you are, what you think, how you are, etc are the roots, trunk, branches and leaves. When you ask people what they think of you, most will only tell you a facet of what they see and feel at the time that you ask them. Some will say that you have wonderful branches. Others will say that when you flower the smell if very sweet. Someone else might mention that you have strong roots that they admire. Another person will say that they love that you give such a nice shade for people to sit under. You shouldn't try to please them - you should just be you, and let yourself blossom. Show your family and friends all the different facets of you instead of worrying which parts you should be showing them.

Those who love you will embrace the whole of you, because at various times they would have seen your strong roots, the shade that you provide, your wonderful branches, your emerald leaves and your beautiful flowers. They'll rejoice all of you, and feel blessed by your presence in their lives.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
Wed, 06-03-2009 - 8:44am

I know what you're talking about - it's that place of trying to make every one else happy at personal cost. I was there not too long ago! I durn near sold my soul to make one person happy who was so unhappy with herself that there was no way it was ever going to happen. I tried everything I knew to do to be everything to every one. I came close to a total breakdown.

I went to therapy and there began to really look for the real Bren. I discovered a whole lot I liked about how and who I am. Then one day, at a conference of sorts, I found that missing piece - in a tee shirt which read "I'd rather be disliked for who I am, than loved for who I'm not." It was so exhilerating putting that shirt on right there in the booth and even let out a very loud "WOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" My life has changed for the good since that shirt finally sold me on the fact that I am a valuable, as well as a valid woman who is just fine as she is.

I've found over the years, that my opinions do count. I'm still hear others opinions, but if I'm asked for my own, I offer it! Just maybe my perspective will be helpful to the other.

Think about this - If a rainbow - the evidence of light perspectives through a prism, showed just one color (just one perspective) it would still be beautiful, but how much beautiful is a rainbow when we can see all the colors?!?

I'm pretty sure your friends and family don't love you just because you work so hard at pleasing them, but because you are so wonderful in how you do see these things of life. Look inside - be who you are - there isn't another like you anywhere! You are unique and glorious! Celebrate that!none of us agrees with each other all the time, but those times of differences are things that make our relationships stronger!

Sending lots of love and hugs as you work through this,

Bren Jay

Superposter -BL500 FYBL