Bad Friends

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2003
Bad Friends
28
Sat, 01-16-2010 - 7:25pm

I don't know why but a woman I knew in my late teen years and early twenties has been popping into my thoughts a lot recently. A little history, I was naive enough at the time to believe that we were best friends and like I did with all my friends, I was open and honest with her with many things in my life, including the details of a romance I was having at the time our friendship was supposedly at its peak. It took months and months for me to eventually find out that she had misused a lot of the information I gave her about the guy I was dating and even tried a few moves of her own on him. When I confronted her, she was genuinely shocked that I had not seen that betrayal coming and said that if I was that innocent then she could not be blamed. That experience tainted my reaction to people in my life for a long time afterwards and even now, almost ten years later, I am still baffled by how two faced she was.


Do you have ny stories about bad friends that you would like to share? Maybe you want to vent, revise or just seek someone else's opinion about how the friendship ended, or evolved..... Would love to hear from you all and please share how you deal with friends who seem to have less than perfect intentions regarding you and your friendship....

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: suffy_78
Mon, 01-18-2010 - 9:04am

I'm sorry that such a person entered your life, but when we are young we certainly don't yet know what the red flags are. You might have been naive, and she sounds pretty conniving. To say that she can't be blamed if you were so trusting is certainly outrageous.

IMHO, we've all had less than perfect friends, and I know that on some occasions I've been less than perfect, too though not to the lengths of your former friend (I don't do betrayal. I just manage to lose contact with people or I keep a lot of them at a distance). Years ago, a few friends were less than supportive in my time of great need. Friends who were overseas would call me long distance to check on me (and this was pre-Skype and cheap VOiP calls), and these people took months to notice that I wasn't there. When I was frank with them about my situation, their remarks were unkindly or not supportive, and they basically disappeared from my life. It kind of hurt since I had been there when they were in need.

One friendship is being resurrected but I'm cautious. The others I shrug about - I see them once a year or once every couple of years and that's more than enough. They've shown me in many ways that they don't consider me as a friend anymore.

What I've learned is that there are friends, then there are friends. I've learned to not expect anything from most people. I can't expect people to react or support me in any which way, because expecting them to be in a certain way only sets me up for disappointment and blinds me to surprise. And now that I don't expect anything, people surprise me all the time in the different ways that they are friends with me, and the different ways that they are supportive and kind. The only things that I do expect is mutual respect and non-invasion of my personal space.














iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2005
In reply to: suffy_78
Tue, 01-19-2010 - 9:12am

I agree that when we are young, we learn through our mistakes.


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2006
In reply to: suffy_78
Tue, 01-19-2010 - 9:27am

Yeah I've had a bad friend. This friend would call me everyday (sometimes several times a day) but she never listened when I talked. Not a thing I said. We'd be on the phone and I'd be MID-SENTENCE and without so much as a "hang on" she starts yelling at her kids, or another driver or ordering at the drive thru or talking to some person around her. And it was never quick (not that interupting without saying "hold on" is ever okay) one time I sat there for 5 minutes listening to her talk to someone else. I finally hung up at the 5 min mark (she didn't notice for 20 more minutes). I did tell her at one point that I really thought she was being a crappy friend and cited examples, she apologized and swore to change but that lasted maybe 3 days. There's other stuff too but we'll be here all day if I get into it.


It was getting really old and one day I had just had it. I hung up on her (she had interupted me 5 times in this particular 10 minute


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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2001
In reply to: suffy_78
Tue, 01-19-2010 - 10:36am

What a horrible situation!

Like Poppy, I don't do "bad" friends, but I do tend to lose track of people rather too easily. Probably because I don't do telepones i I can help it, and some of my former good friends are terrible at writing and/or email (not that I'm that much better, in fact.). If a person isn't geographically close, I have trouble "holding on" to them as a clos friend.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2003
In reply to: suffy_78
Tue, 01-19-2010 - 11:30am

Well that's awful that some of you have been burned by those you thought were friends. I still believe, though, that the personality traits that leave you open for disappointment also leave you open for great joy - so I hope that you are maybe just more cautious, not necessarily less trusting!


I know I have had friends that have flitted in and out of my life, for lots of different reasons. I had one friend in particular who was my fun friend. She and I would go out and be the life of the party. As I got older, I found myself disagreeing with the way she raised her children, and I let myself drift apart from that friendship. We would chat once in a while, but that was it. Then when my son and I began to deal with his addiction problems, I found that my views on how she raised her children changed. While I had been overly protective of my son, I always thought that she was too hard on her kids and didn't take them into consideration enough. While we still don't agree on everything, my experience with my son gave me a different perspective. Of course we have both changed over the years, but I value my friendship with her for very particular reasons, and yes some things still drive me nuts about her, but she will probably always be a friend.


I think that our friends come into and out of our lives for very particular reasons, and not all of those friendships are meant to be lasting, or even particularly close, but we need them all the same.


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2003
In reply to: suffy_78
Tue, 01-19-2010 - 12:49pm

I think that we never look for perfect friends, just for ones that are there when nobody else is, ones thatm make us realise how blessed we are to have them in our lives. Thank good ness I have a lot of them. But yes, every now and then, you meet someone who shakes your belief in friendship and it is in these situations that a reassessment of yourself and your relationship is due.


In a way I do the disappearing act more or less like you Poppy. I never had to do it with close friends but mostly with people I know. I remember the time I lost my son, and how some people my husband and I knew thought this was a perfect opportunity to remind us that had our faith been stronger, this would not have happened to us. Talk about being a jerk of a believer! Needless to say, these were people we never bothered to contact again.


Thankfully, I have found friends within the last five years that have proved to be real gold, none of the fake stuff :) Ones that are there, even when I do not expect them to and know what I need before I ask. And yes, not expecting much helps. I think the universe never fails to impress you if you only keep ur heart open to its surprises.


Thanks for being a friend Poppy!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2003
In reply to: suffy_78
Tue, 01-19-2010 - 12:55pm

I fully agree with you on being burned in order to learn from your mistake. I surely was with the one I mentioned in my original post. I think as we grow older, and wiser, we see things in a different way and as Poppy had said, the red flags kind of seem brighter at 32 than they did at 22!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2003
In reply to: suffy_78
Tue, 01-19-2010 - 1:08pm

Dedi, your post made me applaud you for being so brave and making the decision to have that person out of your life. It is not easy to make such a call but as you said, the fact that you feel at peace with what you did shows you that it was the right thing to do.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
In reply to: suffy_78
Tue, 01-19-2010 - 4:17pm

I too was burned by a friend in high school due to her jealousy over major life changes that happened in my life.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
In reply to: suffy_78
Tue, 01-19-2010 - 8:37pm
I have definitely had a lot of toxic people in my life... like the woman who pretended to be my best friend but was having an affair with my DH. Anyway... no time for people who are ME ME ME ME ME ME and don't offer anything in return. I'm cautious, but not the point of never meeting new people. I do tell people what's on my mind, and basically if being with someone causes stress, discomfort, anger, etc I just don't bother. Life's too short for that.


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