Self-Improvement

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2006
Self-Improvement
12
Mon, 02-15-2010 - 10:19am
Good Morning Ivillage,
So I am friendless. (taking the title of another person ha?)
Since I am a huge advocate of self-improvement and wondered if I may post my situation here?
So I am friendless. I have had several friends with in my life, but because of various reasons (positive and negative reasons) I have loss them.
I am the sort-of person who's comfortable having one really good friend and rarely formulate other friendships. I communicate with others, but tend not to formulate lasting friendships.
The thing is, is that I am totally cool having one or perhaps (usually one) close friend, but logically I realize how unhealthy this can be.
May I ask how you feel?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2007
Mon, 02-15-2010 - 4:39pm
My best friend lives four hours away in another state. I don't have any other friends, except for DH. But as for girlfriends to go shopping with or to sit in a coffee shop and talk, etc., no, I don't have that. But I've always been this way, since I was a child. I've always been a loner. I didn't get a best friend until college and now we've been best friends for going on for 30 years. We haven't seen each other in three years, though we communicate every day through Facebook, send e-mail and snail mail. I don't do well in group situations and prefer to either do stuff one on one with someone or do it alone.

I don't see it as being unhealthy not to have friendships. I communicate with people every day here on iVillage, on Facebook, on other forums, through e-mail, and I see them as friends, since I can tell them things that I wouldn't tell people in real life. Since I'm happy being a loner then I feel that I don't have a problem. I'm not lonely. Some people are social butterflies and some are loners. And there is nothing wrong with that.
Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Mon, 02-15-2010 - 7:43pm
I loved your post.
My two kids are as different as night and day...ds is definitely a Loner...kind of like me...his mom and we are okay with that. My dd is more outgoing but also likes to be ALONE sometimes.
When he was younger he had maybe one or two friends but things change and because of his anxiety/panic most have drifted away...my ds likes to be alone he actually prefers it.
My dd and I do like to socialize but when it's comfortable for us...we my dd, ds and I don't like crowds or large groups either for the most part.
So many don't understand it's okay to be who you are, some people are shy or they just like their own company and prefer solitude.
Still dealing myself with PTSD so too many people
Nightangel
Nightangel
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2007
Mon, 02-15-2010 - 9:05pm
My brother and I were like your kids. My parents seemed to think that once I entered high school that I was suddenly going to have all these friends and dates, so they put a phone in my room. It was my brother who was the social one and who talked on the phone all the time. He pushed me out of my own room so much in order to use the phone that my parents took it out and had it installed into his room.

I'm like you in that I don't like crowds either. I'll have panic attacks in crowds. DH has seen them and they aren't pretty.



DH is a lot like me in that he isn't social either. A lot it comes from the fact that he was an Air Force brat and moved so much (he went to three separate high schools). I was also an Air Force brat, but my father retired from the military when I was 5, whereas DH was 18 when his father retired, so he did a lot more moving when he was growing up than I did. That made it difficult to form lasting friendships for him. So he understands how I feel and vice versa. DH is completely accepting of the fact that while he is gone that I am perfectly happy staying home and reading than going out with other people. He never tells me that I need to make friends and meet people. He accepts me as a loner and knows that I am fine just the way I am.

Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Mon, 02-15-2010 - 10:15pm
~hugs~
That is si cool!
My mom used to try and push me and I vowed I wouldn't do that to mine.
Growing up we moved my dad also was in the military and sometimes my mom was ALONE with us kids so I think she wanted us to tag along with her and to also maybe be her "shield".
In high school I was pretty much a Loner...I hung around with my brother's friends (they were in my Lunch and it was so crowded it was just nice to have someone there that I knew) and a couple of my own but I didn't really fit in.
I walked backand forth as I didn't like the bus it was usually too crowded, sometimes we would wait for it only to be told we couldn't get on...
I babysat and also looked after my younger sister...my friend's got tired of that but honestly I didn't mind...
I had a curfew real early and for me I loved school so homework was important to me but before doing my own I usually had to help my dad with the dishes, garbage, laundry and then look after my sister, bath her and get her ready for bed.
I stopped helping my brother do his homework...I refused...he was older and told my mom and dad I needed to do my own.
Sometimes my mom would tell me to go to bed while I was doing it at the kitchen table and I said I can't it needs to get done...hadn't had the time to start it earlier with everything else.
I like quiet and so does my ds.
My dd likes more noise than we do but that's her personality.
she has bi-polar so it all depends if she is experiencing a high or low...right now she is doing pretty good.
It wasn't easy to live with her but I am sure I am not too easy either...;)...lol
Love her to pieces and we are very close.
I have always encouraged my kids to be themselves.
Now that they are both older it's changed the dynamics of our family.
My ds likes it when I am home but we don't have to be actually in the same room.
We are comfortable talking together or sometimes just doing our own thing.
Not feeling too good today so I have spent a lot of time in my room.
A very quiet day.
We had supper and haven't actually done too much as I am fighting a head cold or the flu not too sure at the moment.
Just feeling really lousy.
Probably just a little run down.
Looking forward to it warming up a bit.
I tell friends of mine now when I don't feel like going out or if I want/need to do my own thing.
I go to the Library but don't like it if it's really crowded and it's a fairly big place...miss our old one actually.
I think we are dealing with agoraphobia and claustrophobia both.
I accept my kids and they accept me.
It's just the way we are right now.
My ds is like you and I finding myself lately to really appreciating my online friends.
I have RA and sometimes I am in too much pain or just finding the fatigue overwhelming.
Being able to come here is absolutely wonderful!
Nightangel
Nightangel
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 02-17-2010 - 11:40pm

Hi Sweetbeauty!

IMHO what is most important is how you feel, whether it works for you or not, and if you are comfortable with the situation.

I find that with me there are just different cycles. Sometimes I am more outgoing than at other times, but I also have periods where I am more alone (though rarely lonely). I've also gone through a period where I was nearly a hermit - perhaps not good in the long term, but it was what I needed to do to regroup.

Most people don't have gazillions of close friends. I think that it's pretty normal to have between 1 and 7 or 8 close friends, with one or two very good friends or best friends. The rest of the people one know then fall into friends and acquaintances, with different levels of friendships and acquaintanceship.

It's also pretty normal for friendships to have a limited life shelf. Some friendships do last forever - my father was life-long friends with about 5 or 6 people he'd known since he was a child or when he was a young adult, friendships that in one case spanned over 80 years. Some are there briefly. Not all friendships are equal, though all are precious and give us something. I've also got friends whom I don't see much or often, but I know they love me to bits and that I can count on them in times of need and that I'd do the same for them anytime. There are also friends I will see a lot of for a few months or years, then we'll lose touch for a few months or years before resuming our friendship again. Perhaps I am comfortable with this because I've moved a few times as have my friends.

My two oldest friends are from middle school. They are men, and they've faithfully tracked me down every time I've moved away and moved back. My longest friendship with a woman friend was formed in the mid-90s. She was a friend then a colleague of a close male friend of mine, who turned out to be a neighbour, too. As hard as I wanted to gracefully not be friends with her (I was and still am good at keeping people at a distance), she wasn't letting go. She hung on. Then I met her boyfriend, and he also hung on. I couldn't shake them off LOL. That was 15 years ago, so that means that I was about 30 when she befriended me. Only two other people are within that inner inner circle, and one of them passed away last year.

Last year I wanted to make friends because I knew a lot of people but didn't have a support network of friends. So I took stock of the people I knew, and I started nurturing the different friendships.

I've also got a lot of friends online!

Sorry for the novel LOL. I'll stop rambling now ;-)

So what are you comfortable with, and what would you like to have in your life, Sweet Beauty?














iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 02-22-2010 - 12:46am

Hey Nightangel,

How are you?














iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 02-22-2010 - 12:49am

You one one close friend, but how many people are your not-so-close friends and how many are acquaintances? Do you interact with a lot of people on a day-to-day basis?

If you had to pick two people within the circle of people you know, who would you like to know better?














Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Mon, 02-22-2010 - 10:58am
Hi Poppy,
Wasn't feeling too well...
Hopefully I am getting a little bit better now.
Quite a lot of people have been sick both family and friends.
The weather has been unlike any other winter.
Not a lot of snow but when we get it we get it.
We had rain to and a lot of either very damp days or extremem cold...
Just getting ready to go out and have some lunch and then do so stuff I have been letting slide a bit since being so sick.
Haven't even really been on the computer too much just been feeling really tired.
The RA is like that though...sometimes you can be in a lot of pain or just wiped out.
How have you been?
Hope you are doing fine my friend.
Thanks so much for your concern...
I's much appreciated...:)
<3
Nightangel
Nightangel
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 03-01-2010 - 12:28am

I was away for a 4-day week-end, and that was really very good! It was very relaxing, and the company was very good.

How are your family and friends? I hope that everybody is recovering by now and feeling much better.

Is spring start to show it's head? Have you looked into organizing a movie night?














Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Tue, 03-02-2010 - 1:00am
Hope you had a lovely time away...we have had snow here.
A bit milder here than it's been which is nice...
My dd is stressing out and in turn my ds.
Then of course me...mom...<3
She was locked out by her land-lords illegally so we had lots of drama earlier today.
My ds and I are happy we found a friend who offered to let her stay as she was very upset and didn't want to put us out or impose because of ds and his anxiety/panic disorder.
She is used to living on her own and having her own place.
This past year has been difficult for her being only able to afford a room and having to share kitchen and bathroom with others.
I am really disappointed that her land-lords did this...
We think she might be able to stay where she is tonight for a while, not too sure how long but her other alternatives were other than coming here going to one of two shelters far away from family/friends not good for dd.
Her land-lords kept this months rent (March) and also her belongings in her room which doesn't have a lock like the other tenants.
Very upsetting.
She tried her key and they already changed the lock but she got legal advice and it's an illegal lock-out.
Pursuing legal action is what she is doing but it's been very traumatic for her and my heart is breaking for her...she is just so devastated by this.
Hoping it will all work out.
She has been advised to keep track of anything she is forced to spend out of pocket due to their illegal lock-out/illegal eviction.
Still in the meantime she's "homeless"...honestly I want to give them a piece of my mind, they have a dd of their own around my dd's age...how would they feel if someone did this to theirs...kwim?
It will be investigated...my dd has had help and support but they have her rent money and her things.
She is just crushed, we both are...heartless people in my honest opinion.
She wasn't given ANY notice so basically they have broken the LAW...but for her on the street...very scary (she wouldn't be on the street...she knows she's welcome here) but after being out on your own having no place to call your own takes a toll.
Our friend said not to worry she's welcome there until she can find another place.
I told her I will go with her if she wants/needs me to.
I cannot believe anyone could be that cruel...
Nightangel
Nightangel

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