I don't know what to do????

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2007
I don't know what to do????
1
Tue, 07-20-2010 - 4:33pm

I have always had trouble blanceing life. I want a better life. I need to quit smoking. I need to do lots of things. I'm better off today thou than I was a year ago. I've got one problem I need some advice on.


I've been in a relationship with a man for 3 years. There is a part of me that wants to just never talk to him again. Wish him luck and happiness and be done with it. There is a huge part of me that knows I need to do this. He's a liar and has lots of issues. None of them has anything to do with me. Sounds simple enough right? There is this draw there more of a need to just be there for him than anything. Him being in my life has just made it better. I'm more balanced with him. I know when it comes down to it I'll pick me over him. I will not loose myself and through all the craziness I've never changed. I"ve been his stability. I stay in this relationship with him, it's not like I need him for anything. We don't live together and we share nothing. A break up would be a clean break for both of us. The more I type the more I think I'm crazy for ever speaking to him again. On some level I just don't feel like it's over, like there is something else that needs to happen. Am I making any sense? Probally not.


If I'm not in the right spot direct me to the one. I'm just in love and confused and need to vent.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 07-20-2010 - 9:58pm

Welcome to the board, Lostsometimes.

I am glad to read that you are better off today than you were a year ago. That's really great! Congratulations!

From your post, it looks like you do know what you should do but you don't really want to do what you think you should do:

* There is a part of me that wants to just never talk to him again. Wish him luck and happiness and be done with it.

* There is a huge part of me that knows I need to do this.

* He's a liar and has lots of issues.

* The more I type the more I think I'm crazy for ever speaking to him again.

I know you said that his lying has nothing to do with you, but are you happy knowing that you are in a relationship with a liar? A liar is a liar, it means that he will lie when the situation is such that he needs to do so in order to defend himself. He hasn't lied to you... yet. Or maybe he has, but you haven't caught him in the lie.

IMHO, for a relationship to survive in the long term there has to be a solid foundation. Love is simply not enough. If it were, there would be so much less heartbreaks, break-ups and divorced. A person's basic values/ethics, how s/he conducts her/himself towards others, how a person treats her/himself are what each bring into the relationship. Then there are outlooks, dreams, ways of being. Two people might be very different, and coming from different backgrounds but they might meet and be able to build a strong foundation because they have these basic values in common, as well as respect, the desire to support, care for and understand the other, as well as a few common goals in which they meet.

No one else can tell you what decision and action to take. It would help you if you made a list of your personal values and ethics, your dreams and goals. Do they mesh with his? Do your personal ethics allow you to accept (and live with) that he lies? How would you feel if he were caught lying? How would you feel if you caught him lying to you? In regards to the lying, what does it say about you?

Perhaps because I am older and I've been through my share of boyfriends, my stance right now is if there are red flags, be cautious and investigate why the flags are there. If there is anything making me really uncomfortable or wary then it's better to break it off quickly. The longer we wait, the more heartache there will be.

It isn't easy to break-up, but it would also mean, after you mourn the demise of the relationship and you move on, that you open the door to meeting someone else who can also help you live a more balanced life and who is more suited to you.

You might also want to lean a bit more on your family and friendships to help you achieved the balance in life that you are looking for, to support you in the goals that you have.

Let us know what you decide and what you finally do.

Good luck,