I don't know, Poppy. I look at her and know that inside I would love to call her over and just give her a hug, which I do all the time, but then, there are days when I cannot bring myself to do it.
When my mom got her diagnois I was nine or ten at the most and for the three years that she battled, it was all I could think about and do. I grew up prematurely and there was nobody to guide me along which is fine with me, but she died as I turned 13 and then there was a real sense of loneliness that never fades.
The thing with parenthood is that I have never met a woman who says; you know what, I AM a good mother.... I mean, we all doubt ourselves and question what we do, but ... this is just eating at me these days.. how do I know that I am not scarring her for life? I mean I remember a few things that happened when I was her age, so ... what will she remember? That scares me.
This the pattern that I want to have in the bathroom:
Thirteen is such a young age to lose one's mother. It's just the time that you are changing from child to teen, with glimpses of the woman you will eventually become. Huge huge (((hugs))) for the 13 year old Suffy.
Most parents that I know do question themselves, but they also know that most of the time they are doing and giving the best that they can. No one is the perfect parent. My mom is an imperfect parent, there have been things that she could have handled better, but at the same times she *is* a good parent. You are not only giving your daughter her basic needs, but you are also giving her affection, telling her that she is loved, giving her boundaries so that she can go about safely in her world, protecting her, and letting her know that you are always there for her no matter what happens. All of this puts you into the good mother category, methinks.
From time to time I ask my nephew whether he knows that he's very much loved, and that we care for him. I also ask him whether he knows that he can count on me for whatever reason. I remind him that even when he'll have children of his own he'll always be my little boy, and that I'll still be there for him. Sometimes he'll tell me the things I do that annoy him. Then I tell him the things he does that annoys me. After that we agree to remember to change and be better.
So what books on parenting have you been reading or what ideas about parenting have inspired you?
I'd really like to learn what it is that I want to do with my life. I'm tired of having these random paycheck to paycheck jobs. I can't figure out what my passion is. The only thing I care about these days is my boyfriend.. and although it's great that I love him so much, he's not paying me.. hahaha! Anyways, so that would be first.
The second thing would be finding a hobby that I can enjoy for when I just want to relax or get away. I like tennis, but can never find anyone to play with. I can start exercising but have no motivation. I can paint or draw, but lack the confidence.
I sound pretty whiny right now, but I promise I'm really not. I'm a very happy person.. love to laugh & have a great time & surround myself with positive people, etc. But on the chance that I'm alone for a bit, I'd like to have something to occupy my time besides tv or my computer.
You don't sound whiny at all. You sound pretty much grounded and clear on what you would like to do.
A friend of mine has just started working with a career counsellor to help her figure out what skills she has, she's good at, what she likes, etc. There are also books that can help you with a career chane, such as the What Color is Your Parachute. Another way is to volunteer. There are so many volunteering opportunities out there in so many different fields. Not only would you be helping your community but it's also an opportunity to see what's happening in that field and whether it suits you or not. It'll also help you in the confidence department.
Have you tried putting an ad in your neighbourhood looking for a tennis or exercise partner? What kind of hobby do you want? Do you want something artistic, something athletic, something brainy?
I went to a couple of counselors when I was in college & they were not helpful at all.. The tests I took said I should be in the military. I already know that is not for me.
Never thought about posting any kinds of ads. That's a great idea! I need to become more active for sure.. I tend to go towards things that challenge my mind a little (ie. puzzles, sudoku, this word game on my bf's phone, etc.). I've always wanted to learn how to paint & have thought about taking painting classes in the area, but really can't afford those in the long run. I guess I can just attempt to start it up at home, but don't know where I'd do it..
Thanks for the advice!
Career counsellors - well, that was pretty useless to you. I wonder why military, though, if you aren't interested and if it's unsuitable for you. Do you like to work in a place that has clear structure, hierarchy and discipline, and which allows you to be on the field? I'm wondering whether it would be different now, though, since you're already in the work force and you have concrete work experience and skills. Do you like what you are doing now?
Starting to paint at home is a good idea. You can borrow some books, and get started with that. What about starting with drawing first? It's less cumbersome that painting (in that it takes up less space), and you can draw anywhere as long as you have your sketch pad and pencil. Bring your camera with you so that you can still continue at home if you don't have much time. Speaking of ads, maybe you could put one in bartering your services for a painting lesson?
Thank you so much Poppy. I am at work now and cannot think of any books that I had read but it6's an ongoing process. There always is a book that I am following.