Not sure if I'm BP... (tr?)

Avatar for 2timesthefun
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Registered: 04-01-2003
Not sure if I'm BP... (tr?)
17
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 12:53pm
Let me preface this by saying that I have officially been diagnosed as BP, and I realize these highly trained professionals know MUCH more than I do about this disorder. But I'm having a hard time accepting this diagnosis....

I know that part of my unacceptance is based on ignorance. I know very little about this illness. What I do know of it, I got from reading one book on depression - and what I've read on this board. I recognize that I exhibit many of the symptoms - mood swings in the same day, irritability with people, anger management issues (especially with my family), periods of depression, periods of elevated feelings (in which I work faster, talk faster, get angry quicker, eat more - which I find very odd), get the sensation of bugs crawling on me several times a day when nothing is there, go through restless periods where I can't concentrate on any one thing very long, hearing my kids crying - when they aren't, hearing people fiddling with my door - when they aren't, etc.

But these things seem so *mild* to me...even 'normal'. In fact, the only thing I started seeking treatment on was my anger management problems. I never gave the rest of my 'symptoms' another thought. I assumed everyone went through things like that. I thought my days of hypomanic phases were just me having extra energy, that everyone felt imaginary bugs on them sometimes, that all mom heard their babies cry when they weren't, etc. I never once thought any of it was out of the ordinary. And I guess....I'm still not positive they are. I think that's the biggest reason I'm having a hard time coming to terms with this diagnosis...

I hope I'm not offending anyone. I do ABSOLUTELY believe this is a real illness. I just am not positive that I am suffering from it. Or maybe I'm just in denial...????

Does anyone have any good book suggestions? I really feel I need to read up on this to be able to come to terms with it. Apparently having a doctor with who knows how many degrees telling me I am just isn't good enough.... ;p

Thanks for listening to me ramble...

Hugs,

Melissa

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2004
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 1:49pm
Sorry, Melissa but I think you are in denial. I have relatively mild bipolar as well. I've never had a full blown manic episode, I've never been hospitalized. Before I started treatment, I never realized how bad things were. All these things that I thought were "normal" just disappeared. The anxiety, checking the locks, being pi$$ed all the time, feeling "blue", etc. They have all evened out. Granted, they are not completely gone all of the time but life is MUCH better now. Did you doctor recommend treatment? What meds? Amanda
Avatar for 2timesthefun
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Registered: 04-01-2003
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 3:09pm
Hi Amanda,

I appreciate the response. You're right, I'm sure. I'm just in denial. I think I would have an easier time accepting it if my symptoms were more dramatic. But since they are mild, it's easier to write them off, you know?

Yes, my pdoc told me to continue the Lexapro my family doctor put me on for depression...and Lamictal for mood stabilization. I have only been on the Lamictal for a week though, so I haven't noticed any changes yet. I am continuing therapy with my tdoc too.

I think I'm going to pay a visit to the library and read up on it. The more I know, the more I'll be able to deal with it.

Thanks again. :)

Hugs,

Melissa

Avatar for cla3a
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Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 3:46pm

Hi Melissa,


Welcome to the board. I have to agree with Amanda. It sounds like you are in denial. Don't worry I know I was in denial for a very long time. What meds are you on? Please forgive me if I am repeating what the others posted.


I added the addresses

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2004
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 3:54pm
Melissa,

Have you considered getting a second opinion, from an independent pdoc? I think it's a good idea to gather as much information, as possible, keep asking questions, and read everything you can about BP. I found lots of trustworthy info and suggested reading on the government websites (like www.nimh.nih.gov).

You are fortunate if your symptoms are so mild that you see them as being normal, but is this how your close friends and family see them? Ask them, you might be surprised by what you think was a reasonable response being considered an under or overreaction. Have they come to expect the unexpected from you?

Keep looking for answers until you get enough that you are totally comfortable either accepting the diagnosis, or rejecting it. If you are honest with yourself you will come to the right conclusion.

Talk to you soon

Kim

Avatar for 2timesthefun
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Registered: 04-01-2003
Fri, 08-06-2004 - 11:57am
Thank you for all the great information!!!!! I'm terrible searching for things on the internet. I never seem to get where I'm trying to go! LOL!! I am definitely going to read up on this...

I've been on Lexapro for about 6 weeks - my family doctor prescribed it for what we thought was just depression. My pdoc told me to continue it, and added Lamictal to it. I just started my second week of that. So far the only change I've noticed is that the Lexapro helps me sleep better. *Sometimes* I have less anger issues, but truthfully I went through plenty of periods like that on my own...so I don't know if it's the meds or not.

Thanks again for the info - I really appreciate it. :)

Oh, and I'll definitely be sticking around. :) :)

Hugs,

Melissa

Avatar for 2timesthefun
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Fri, 08-06-2004 - 12:05pm
Kim,

Thanks for the response! I never considered getting another opinion. That is definitely worth thinking about. I'll have to see if my insurance covers it....

You're right about my family's response to my behavior. A lot of it has become a joke between my husband and I - the 'bugs', hearing the kids crying, etc. He just shakes his head and laughs at me. We both just considered it an odd quirk of mine. That and I do tend to get overly upset about things - completely out of proportion to the problem. Irrationally angry... I don't know if my family expects the unexpected, but I *do* know I have a 'reputation' for being overly emotional - quick to anger, quick to cry. Hmmm... ;)

Thanks again! You all have given me a lot to think about. :)

Hugs,

Melissa

Avatar for kdvaleski
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Registered: 04-10-2004
Fri, 08-06-2004 - 12:42pm
Hi Melissa. Sorry, but like Amanda and Cyn I have to cast my vote for denial. I know we've all been there, and this is not a fun diagnosis. The bright side is that you have been diagnosed and are getting treatment while your symptoms are mild. So much the better! Hopefully you won't ever have to cycle very far in either direction, and you'll have saved yourself a lot of pain by starting treatment now.

Some of my symptoms are mild also, and I also tended to believe they weren't abnormal. But like Amanda, the majority of them went away once I stabilized on my meds. Learn as much as you can, via the internet or books, talking to your pdoc, they're all good options. It's good to understand your illness. I'd really suggest telling your pdoc why you question the diagnosis, and have another discussion about that. I bet he or she will explain their reasoning to you.

About the meds, remember that you won't feel the effects of the Lamictal right away. It can take several weeks to get the maximum effect, and you might not be at the right dosage yet. The max dosage of Lamictal is, I believe, 400 mg daily, so it might take tweaking the dose multiple times to find the dose that's right for you. I take 300 mg daily. It's individual.

(((HUGS)))

Kristen

Avatar for cla3a
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Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 08-06-2004 - 1:54pm

Hi again Melissa,


I am on Lamictal too. We started off at 50 mgs a day,and have been increasing it slowly.(To make sure I don't develop a rash at higher dose) I am now on 100 mgs a day and will be increasing it at my next Pdoc appt. I am no longer on a anti-depressant. I was on Remeron which threw me into a severe depression. I was then admitted to the hospital and told I won't be on another anti-depressant for a while. I am on Geodon,and was on Zyprexa until a few days ago. I have always had very strong moods. My anger knows no bounds. Even with "mild" symptoms this disorder

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Avatar for redhedjess
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Registered: 07-18-2003
Sun, 08-08-2004 - 11:58pm
Hi Melissa,

Your post sounded just like me when I first heard BP mentioned by my pdoc, and even still today. I haven't been given a firm diagnosis, but my pdoc seems to be pretty sure it's bipolar II. The important thing to remember about a diagnosis of a mental health disorder is that the diagnosis is just a label or a tool. People vary a LOT - the DSM (the manual for psychiatrists and psychologists to use to make a diagnosis; it gives descriptions of "all" the disorders) may have only a few different labels for people with mood swing disorders - bipolar, bipolar II, cyclothymia, etc - but there are millions of people who are diagnosed with each of those, and they all can be very different. I know that I have a mild case of whatever I happen to have....At first I kept obsessing over the label, but now I've realized it doesn't really matter. I know that I feel better on certain types of medications, and that yeah, I can live without them, but I'm miserable and not at all healthy. Does that I mean I'm bipolar? I don't know...and don't really care at this point. So maybe the answer is to stop obsessing over the diagnosis and just focus on whatever makes you feel as good as you can. If that happens to be therapy and one or more of the medications commonly used to treat bipolar disorder, then just go with it.

So if you do continue to research the disorder, don't be surprised if a lot of the material doesn't apply to you. You might not have full-blown manic episodes, for example. But it sounds like you might be able to benefit from medication - and if it works, you'll probably look back and realize how much worse you felt then. Or maybe not! But it's worth a try, trust me.

Your symptoms sound a lot like mine, so if you have any questions, feel free to ask.

Good luck -

Jessica

Avatar for donnaglack
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Registered: 08-03-2004
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 9:22am
Melissa,

I really admire the fact that you can voice your ambivalence about your diagnosis. I was diagnosed in Feb. 2001. I had previously been diagnosed with depression, I couldn't accept that and when I had finally accepted that, I was diagnosed with BP! LOL! I believed I had accepted it, but looking back, I had accepted it as being in a separate compartment of my life, not as being a part of me and my life. I also believed inside that I could somehow control it (more denial), needless to say, it's been a rollercoaster.

Some books that were helpful to me are: Detour: Bipolar in 4-D (something like that),

Kay Redfield-Jamison, who is not only BP herself, but has written a few books on the topic. I'm still trying to learn myself how this illness affects me. Also, I'm a recovering Alcoholic of 11 years. When I first got sober, I quickly learned that NO ONE could understand an alcoholic better than a fellow alcoholic. I believe the same holds true with BP Illness. Take care!

Donna

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