I hate this disorder! *poss trigs*

Avatar for cla3a
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Registered: 03-25-2003
I hate this disorder! *poss trigs*
16
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 7:12pm

Hi all.


I know you all feel the same way I do, but let me explain why I hate this dang disorder..
It is 12:45 pm and instead of being curled up with my baby, I am wide awake. I have been laying in bed trying desperately to go to sleep for the past 3 hours. My mind is going so fast I can't grab a thought that is going through it.


I am angry at the idiots at the base pharmacy, because they didn't order my Geodon until today,and I ran out 2 days ago. I asked them to order it the 27th of July.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2004
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 8:02pm
Hi, I wish there was something I could say to make things better for you, but there isn't. This disorder sucks!!! Just when you think you have finally gotten things together, something screws-up and sends us over the edge.

BE PROUD - you are aware of what is going on with you, and seem to have alot of self control, to keep your emotions in check. That is the biggest part of the battle, as far as I'm concerned, and I envy you - we don't always have that ability!

Hang in there, and reach out for the suuport that you have available. I'll check back, often, to see if you have written again, and remember that I am wishing you the best.

Kim

Avatar for cla3a
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 12:21am

Hi Kim,


Thank you for the support and kind words.
It is going on 6 am here,and I have gotten a total of 3 hours sleep. I woke up at 5 am,and laid in bed trying to go back to sleep.I will have to put a call in to my Pdoc today,and hope he can do something to help. My DH is great, when I went back to bed after I posted, I woke him up. He wrapped his arms around me and that was how I fell asleep. He said he would go to the pharmacy,and yell at the fools that work there. I told him not to. I don't want him to get into any trouble.


He is a great source of support for me. He is all I have here really. I don't have anyone that I can talk to about this disorder.Military wives

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Avatar for cla3a
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Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 1:11am

Hi Marci,


Thank you for the support. I laughed when I read "Fed X has overnight shipping worldwide, or don't they watch TV"

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2004
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 10:26am
Hi,

I was so glad to read your message this morning and to hear that it sounds like things are a bit better this am. At least you got a bit of sleep, and you are very fortunate to have a dh who is sympathetic and understanding. I understand your frustration, at people's ignorance of this disorder, because if we had diabetes or a heart condition, no one would expect us to just suffer through without our meds, but since it's a mental disorder it doesn't seem to be a priority.

I'm sure you are a great Mom, and applaude you for trying to protect your kids from the effects of BP. Truthfully, if I didn't have my kids I know I would have given up a long time ago - they are all that keeps me going sometimes and the greatest source of joy in my life. I have been honest with them about my illness (they are old enough to understand, now) and my youngest can reach me when no one else can. He is 10 years old and is "special needs", with the biggest heart of anyone I have ever known! I overheard him the other day trying to stop his big sister from coming into my bedroom, (where I had gone to "get myself together" for a minute because I was feeling overwhelmed). It shocked me because I hadn't said anything to him, about how I was feeling, but he picked-up on my needs, anyways. And I had to smile when I heard him say "Do you REALLY need Mom right now? I think she needs a time-out." (It sounded so much like something I would say!)

I hope you can get the meds straightened out. I find it helps to stay one month ahead on my Rx's. I always have a month's supply on hand, when I order my next Rx, that way I won't run out. I did have to explain, what I was doing, to my Pdoc and assure him that I wasn't trying to "hoard" meds, but he understood b/c I live out in the country and don't drive, so I can't always get to the pharmacy. Maybe something like that could work for you, too!

Talk to you soon,

Kim

Avatar for 2timesthefun
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Registered: 04-01-2003
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 1:39pm
Hi Cyn,

I saw your post about calling your pdoc, and your meds coming in. I'm so glad...that must have been a relief. I hope you're feeling better...

I just wanted to tell you what an amazing woman you are. While I was reading your post, which was obviously written in a moment of despair...you came across incredibly strong. Your desire to shield your kids from it, to control the feelings of rage that I know threaten to overwhelm. You should be so proud of yourself. You are definitely an inspiration.

Hugs,

Melissa

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 4:54pm
Melissa took the "words out of my mouth". You are incredible!!!! I wish I had your strength. Hang in there. You are doing GREAT!!!! I never shield anyone, I am not good at dealing with my illness. I tend to rage. You are an inspiration to me.

Carla
Avatar for cla3a
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 4:56am

Hi Kim,


Your little boy sounds like a true sweetheart. My oldest is only 8, but she knows when I need to get myself together. She is wonderful at keeping her little sister busy so that I can get myself back together. They must be able to pick up the vibes that are shooting off of us.


I asked my Pdoc if we could do the meds one month ahead and I guess we can't. He put in for the Geodon twice,and the pharmacy will only fill one right now. They had no problem filling the Lamictal and Neurontin so now I have a full 2 months of those. It must be because they have to special order the Geodon for me.


I understand what you mean about fighting so you can be around for your babies. My girls are

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Avatar for cla3a
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 5:07am

Hi Melissa,


Thank you for the kind words. I am doing a little better now that I started back on my Geodon. It is funny, we don't think that the meds we are on can make our bodies and minds completely dependant on them. I thought that

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Avatar for cla3a
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Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 5:16am

Hi Carla,


Thank you for the kind words. I used to rage,fight and lose control many years ago. I was a danger to myself and to others. Up until a few years ago when I was manic everyone had to walk on egg shells around me. It never took much to get me started. Then I got pregnant with my oldest DD. I had to learn in those short 9 months how to strap in my anger. I was so afraid that if I didn't I would rage at the tiny baby I had inside me. That was something I knew I couldn't do. To this day I am afraid to unleash my anger because I know how bad it can be. My biggest fear is that I will somehow take it out on my girls, when they have do nothing to deserve it.


I have a bi-polar mother who didn't care if she lashed out at her 3 kids. She is a horrible mother,and I do my damndest not to follow in her foot steps. That is a huge motivation for me. How are you doing?


Take care,and be good to yourself.


Hugs,

"When you come to the end of all light you know,and it's time to step into the darkness of the unknown,faith is knowing that one of two things will happen. Either you will be given something solid to stand on, or you will be taught to fly"---Edward Teller
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 6:42am
I know I couldn't get by without my seroquel, It would be a long wait, 10 days, if I ran out.

Can't you get a replacement for your Geodon that would get you through the two weeks? There must be something you can take

Hugs

Elspeth

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