it's been 25 days....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2007
it's been 25 days....
1
Mon, 09-20-2010 - 9:40pm

25 days ago I lost my dad. He was an amazing man, father, husband, friend and grandfather! Simply amazing. He was only 54 years old. He still had many many more years to live his life.
Last Christmas he was in the hospital with pneumonia and shortly after his release (after all tests came back) he was diagnosed with liver disease. Yes he was a drinker. But the second he got the news he turned his life around. Didn't touch another drink and changed his habits all around. Things were looking good for many months, then in July we was told that the meds weren't working like they hoped they would and he would need a liver transplant. We were all scared but totally optimistic. He was put on the transplant list in mid-late July. Then the 1st week of August he suffered what they thought was stroke at home and was rushed back to the hospital. They ran many CT scans, and MRIs and were unable to determine for sure if it was a stroke or not but it has every symptom. Within a few days we recovered wonderfully. All weakness was regained, slurred speech just disappeared. Again we were very optimistic. Throughout this whole time he was spiking weird fevers here and there and the doctors were unable to determine its cause. After about a week and a half of a billion tests, from blood, to a tissue biopsy, they found the cause. He had developed a fungal infection. Again nothing but optimism from the doctors. Started treating with anti-fungals. At first they were taking it east on the meds because these types of meds are bad for the liver, but after a few days of no changes they upped the dosage. Figuring lets treat this and then treat the damage later.
August 19th I got a phone call from my husband who just received a call from my step-mother (she was nervous to call me) saying that my dad suffered what they think was another stroke and hes not doing good at all. My husband left work early and we rushed out to see him, about an hr away. When i got there my dad seemed ok. his speech was slurred a bit but 100% on point. We talked about the Yankees, the giants, and even about my brother trying to steal his vanilla pudding, which was an inside joke we had together. he was ok. He was getting ready to go for a spinal tap to get a better understanding of this fungal infection, so i decided to let him sleep for a bit before this test and run out to grab some food with my husband and step-mother. we were gone for no more than 45 minutes. We came back into his room while they were moving him onto the stretcher to transport him for the spinal. I went to tell him that we will be waiting and don't give them a hard time, because he was a stubborn man. but he didn't respond to my voice or touch. That's when he began to slip into a coma. They did the spinal and we waited over 3 hours for him to return. After 3 hours we were told he slipped into a very deep coma, 100% unresponsive and had to be intibated and put in the ICU. My father spent a week in a coma intibated, while they ran billion more tests. We were told Tuesday the 24th that the fungal has spread all over his brain and cause many strokes in the brain stem and there was no chance of recovery. Tuesday night we removed the breathing support, to fulfill his wishes, (he signed paperwork that said if there was no chance of recovery he didn't want to be left on life support). My father lived 2 full days breathing on his own, still in a coma, till he stopped breathing and passed away on August 26th. It was the worse day of my life. But I had to make the best of it because it was also my son's 1st birthday.
I haven't really cried much, haven't really mourned, I still feel very numb. I wake up every morning and have to remind myself it really happened.

My father was my rock. He was always there for me no matter what it was for he was there. We spoke almost everyday, if not talked on the phone then text daily. We spent every holiday together. and at 30 I still was daddy's little girl. I even married a man who is almost exactly like my husband its sickening sometimes. :)

I just don't know how to get through this, I am scared since I haven't really mourned and cried that its going to hit me extremely hard and knock me down. and being a mother of 3 i cant get knocked down, mother-hood doesn't allow it. The only feeling i have really experienced so far is anger. I am so mad that this happened and my father is gone. I will never see him or hear his voice again. I am so friggin' angry. Is this normal? Does anyone have any advice on how to help deal better or is there no real way to deal?

Thank you so much for listening, i know i wrote alot, but thank you!!!

Nicole



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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2009
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 12:53pm

Oh Sweetie, I am so very very sorry for your loss. Your dad sounds like he fought tooth and nail to recover from everything but sadly this was not meant to be a happy ending for you all. I know the pain must be so deep and so raw. I wish I could come out with words that could sooth your pain but I know from personal experience that those words don't exist.

It is hard to mourn our loved ones when we also have to still see to the needs of those who depend on us like children. I think it is a natural reaction to push our own mourning to one side so that we can make life as easy as possible for the children and for other family members. I know it is a natural reaction but unless you give yourself permission to grieve, it all bottles up inside and when it can no longer be contained, it bursts out. It is ok to cry, to scream, to yell at the world. It also helps our children understand that we are allowed to feel unhappy when we lose the ones we love. Unfortunately death is part of life for we can't have one without the other.

Anger is also a part of the grieving path. Anger that we have been bereaved, anger our loved ones could not be saved, even anger at our loved ones for leaving us when we need them the most. Come talk with us. We can't stop the pain but we do understand it and we are always here to listen. It helps it out of the system and stops it festering inside.

In Gentleness
Promise













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