Irritated and bitter

Avatar for kdvaleski
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Registered: 04-10-2004
Irritated and bitter
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Fri, 08-13-2004 - 11:43am
My dh was really an a** this morning. DD woke up at 6:00 and wanted milk, which she couldn't have, so she was crying pretty hard. As I'd brought her in with us a bit earlier, it was quite loud. DH got really irritated with me (the first thing that pi**ed me off) and got up and left the bedroom. I continued to comfort and try to calm my dd, and finally got her to get up without collapsing in tears. DH went about getting ready for work in his passive-aggressive style, stomping around, closing doors loudly, huffing, that type thing. That so irritates me! Then he had the gall to tell me that I should have gotten her out of bed earlier, because he needs to be well rested to see his clients at work. Because he leaves to go to work and "all" that I do is take care of the baby, clean, cook, run the errands and on top of that run my business. Of course, I can be tired and still be expected to keep up with everything. But HE needs to be well rested! I felt like telling him to have an extra cup of coffee at work, and suggesting where he put that coffee. He has been so freaking shielded from so much of the parenting experience. He would never be able to take care of our dd if I weren't here, and I'm not exaggerating. He has never fed her, bathed her, HAS NEVER CHANGED A DIRTY DIAPER! He can't put her to bed, nothing. Moron. And he had the chutzpah to get irritated with me because the baby was crying. What a putz! (More colorful words come to mind, but I know I can't post them here.) Of course this outstanding partner in childcare thinks I should have handled the situation differently, because it disturbed his precious sleep! Of course, since he had left the room to lounge on the sofa, he was not there when dd started calling for him and wanted her daddy. And of course, he did nothing to try to comfort her while she was mad, just turned his back and huffed. He actually wanted sympathy for having to get up early and get ready for work. Mind you, early for him was 6:00. He usually does not get out of bed until 8:30 on a workday because the bank doesn't open until 10:00. 8 freaking 30.

Now, be honest with me, is it a normal reaction for me to be this angry, is it part of being bipolar, or is it my own special personality flaw? If my reaction seems unreasonable I can deal with the fact that I might have to just take a Klonopin and chill out. Please, someone give me some feedback on this one. I am still so mad, and he's not even here.

Kristen

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Avatar for cla3a
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Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 12:14pm

Hi Kristen,


I am so sorry that your day started so horribly!! I would be angry too. I think that you have a right be be upset. Maybe you are more sensitive to it today then you normally would be? I think you might need to let some of it go, so you won't be tied up in knots. You might want to try to talk about this with him once you are calm enough to do so.


Whatever you do, I hope that your day goes better than your morning has.


Take care.


Hugs,

"When you come to the end of all light you know,and it's time to step into the darkness of the unknown,faith is knowing that one of two things will happen. Either you will be given something solid to stand on, or you will be taught to fly"---Edward Teller
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Avatar for kdvaleski
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Registered: 04-10-2004
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 12:21pm
Thanks for replying Amanda. I am almost in tears as I sit here, which is pretty strange for me because I'm certainly not a crier. My anger must be dissipating, even though I still think he's an a** today. He adores Jenny beyond reason, he just has been almost completely unwilling to help with the actual duties of childcare. We had some nasty arguments over the diapering issue. Changing a diaper is probably the most basic aspect of childcare, and he flat-out refused to even change his own child's diaper! It's stuff like that that absolutely amazes me. He loves her so much, but leaves all the work to me. He plays with her and snuggles. I have pretty much accepted that even though her daddy is here I am still basically a single parent. It's funny, but he would be absolutely livid if I ever said any of this to him. God forbid he should ever have to admit that he hasn't been a great parent. At least not as far as actual parenting duties go. It hasn't mattered who gives him a hard time about what he doesn't do. His mother gave him crap - still didn't matter.

I know it's wrong, but I feel that if I am the only parent who actually takes care of her then he shouldn't really have a say in matters. I KNOW that's wrong, but when he gives me opinions about how he thinks I should have handled any given situation when all he has done is get angry and leave the room, I just hit the roof. And even though I know I should just deal with the issue at hand, I start getting angry about all his other shortcomings as a parent as well. I know I shouldn't do that, but I can't help it. That's a big problem that's all mine.

Avatar for kdvaleski
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2004
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 12:27pm
Hi Cyn. Thanks for the reply. I don't know if I'm more sensitive today or not, it's certainly possible. It is a pretty small thing, but it has me just brooding over his general lack of support in parenting. I really needed to get this out, and here is best. Otherwise I end up venting to my mother, and even though she manages to stay objective and she still loves him, I know that's not a good idea. This isn't actually a topic we can discuss, not without starting WWIII. I've done that more than a few times and he just thinks that he's the best father in the world, refuses to admit that he could do a better job.

I think the rest of the day will be better. I have no intention of talking to him until he gets home tonight, and I'm sure I'll be good by then.

I hope you're doing well today!

Kristen

Avatar for kdvaleski
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Registered: 04-10-2004
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 5:13pm
Hi all. I'm doing better, just feel kind of off-kilter after starting the day that way. DH called and after talking for a while he told me that I sounded aggravated! I'm trying to get myself out of this funky mood, which I really don't like at all. If I weren't already so tired, I probably would take a Klonopin!

Thanks for the support Amanda and Cyn. I hope you both have a great weekend!

Kristen

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Registered: 08-02-2004
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 6:46pm
Kristen,

What is it about being a man that won't allow them to admit when they are wrong? As you already know things have been rough between my DH and myself - hence my "unsupportive spouse" post. I don't think you were wrong to get so angry... but remember, holding that anger in will hurt you! You need to find an outlet (I'm not a crier either, but lately found that sometimes it helps!) to get the anger out - I chose to walk, and walk, and walk. The angrier I feel the further I walk! I figure that way if I finally get to the point where I can't stand being with him, anymore, I'll at least have a killer butt and legs to attract someone else!

Also, I generally want to scream, when my DH acts childish (stomping around, slamming doors, ect) and then after a bit asks, so innocently asks "What's wrong, are you upset?"

He has no problem punishing my kids, if they act like that, but we are supposed to forget it if he acts like a big baby! Which makes it very difficult to explain to a child that it is unacceptable behavior, as they stare at the hole he punched in the wall, during his last hissy-fit!

I was glad to read that you were feeling a bit better, in your last message, take care of yourself and your baby, first. As a mom, we owe it to our kids to make them a priority.

Talk to you soon

Kim

Avatar for kdvaleski
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Registered: 04-10-2004
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 7:49pm
I love your comment about the killer butt and legs! LOL! Thanks for the post, I appreciate the support. I am feeling better. DD finally took a nap at 2:30, so I had a bit of a rest until she woke up. I understand what you mean about your dh behaving in a way you wouldn't accept from your kids. Pity they usually don't see the problem or understand it. My dh finally apologized for his behavior this morning, which helped. And I had the opportunity to tell him that I had no sympathy for him this morning, which also helped!

Have a great weekend!

Kristen

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Registered: 06-25-2004
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 11:53pm
NO, you are definitely not over reacting......I have had the same problem with my DH....although it has gotten better. I know its hard, but maybe you should just take a day off.....say "I quit" for one day.....do something for yourself. I know the thought of it is scary enough to make you throw up....but it worked for me....and now, I get a lot more sympathy from him....and he helps me with our two sons....it never hurts to try.....

Jayde


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Registered: 03-20-2003
Sat, 08-14-2004 - 7:33am

Hey You! :o)


I'm glad that you're feeling better, but the fact still remains that you feel as though you are a single parent and you shouldn't have to feel that way. My brother is in the financial field and I know how stressed out he gets from it, but none the less he has managed to help out with his 4 children. I think your dh can too. It seems as if you've tried all the "simple" things to get him to start helping, so maybe you're going to have to do something drastic? Like take a saturday or a sunday to yourself and let him know plenty ahead of time that he's going to have Jenny all day while

~The Worlds A Roller Coaster And I Am Not 

  Strapped In. 

Avatar for kdvaleski
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Registered: 04-10-2004
Sat, 08-14-2004 - 5:03pm
Hi Jayde! I'm glad to see you're still here. I've been wondering how you are!

I'll post to you and Teri later in this thread, as you both suggested pretty much the same thing.

Thanks for the reply!

Kristen

Avatar for kdvaleski
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2004
Sat, 08-14-2004 - 5:18pm
Hi Teri and Jayde!

I think that like Cyn suggested I must have been extra sensitive to dh's bad behavior yesterday. That's not to say that I think I was not justified! He's been a bit better today, though I COMPLETELY agree that he should do more to help with dd. I left her with him today while I went for some groceries, and I shopped as fast as I could because I realized that I'd forgotten to tell him where I'd put her snack. Then it dawned on me that I can't leave dd with him for more than about an hour max, because he wouldn't know what to do! He doesn't know her schedule, doesn't check or change her diapers, doesn't know what to give her for a snack (or even if or when she needs one), and would have no clue how or what to prepare for a meal for her. That's pretty sad. Oh well. The other thing is that I truly do love being with dd, and really don't want a break from her. At least not more than I get while she's napping. When I don't have her with me I miss her and am thinking about her anyway, I guess we all do that.

Teri, I'm glad to hear that my dh isn't the only one who behaves like a child! LOL! Isn't it horrible when they do that? Of course, when mine gets all huffy and childish I get irritated with him for behaving that way and then I step in with comments that probably aren't helpful. Nothing mean at all, but trust me, nothing that helps the situation either! He realizes after the fact that he's been a major dillhole but says that he can't help his reaction. Yeaaahhhh...

Thanks again ladies. Today I'm my "normal" and basically cheerful, if tired, self again. I appreciate the comment that I'm a good mom Teri. Thanks. You know, even if I wasn't sure about any of my other positive qualities, I really do feel that I'm an awesome mom, so at least I've got that going for me!

Have a great weekend!

(((HUGS)))

Kristen

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