My job lowers my esteem
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|Tue, 09-21-2010 - 2:11pm|
I know we choose how we digest stuff, but it's so hard not to feel so unappreciated.
I am a contract employee. I started with this company while pg with my 1st child right as the Internet bubble was crashing in my city. I became a webdesigner so I could be a work at home mom. I earned my degree in Communication w/an emphasis on marketing (they did not have any Internet degrees back then, so the university had me create my own graduation course they approved.) Before taking this job I was a supervisor of many web designers & according to the owner, saved the company. (The company I work for now purchased the company I supervised.)
I took this job able to make my own demands as I was wanted & thought as a major asset. Back then I was grossing approx 5K a month.
Now I feel like garbage. I want the work b/c I feel lucky if I now gross $200 a month. Yet, every time I get work I feel worthless & unappreciated. I'm getting jobs expecting me to design an entire site, with a shopping cart for 3 hours.
The problem of it is, as much as an asset I was 9 years ago, I was busy having babies, running a family & dealing with a sick husband. I did not keep up with all the new languages & software. I do not consider myself as a web producer, I'm a designer. I make it look pretty. Yet this company ONLY has me as the designer & producer. I cannot build a site in Flash - nor do I desire too - I find it unstable & not search engine friendly. So if they get a site that wants flash they expect me to do it & then not charge for my novice of the subject.
I look around for jobs in web design but people are looking for kids to take my job who can make just above minimum wage.
I'm not sure what to do, I know I cannot stay in this industry - and I've been so abused in this industry that I really don't want to stay. I have to keep trying to make some money. My H finally admitted our CC debt is starting to act as a buffer to my nearly non-income. (A year ago we had no CC debt.)
Sorry, I'm working on this 3 hour site, which I know I cannot do in that much time - but I'm desperate for those few dollars. Every time my work contacts me, I feel sad & a deep hollow in the pit of my stomach. I find it hard to smile & I feel so inadequate, like such a loser. I want to stand up for myself - but I fear I won't get that $1 to help put food on our table.
I wish I knew somebody who had a product (I believe in) to sell, where I could do their Internet marketing & get a commission. That would be nice :) So far all I find online are scams, scams & more scams.
"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."
~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng