Terminate or Divorce, warning long

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2010
Terminate or Divorce, warning long
14
Fri, 09-10-2010 - 1:01am

Hi I'm 43, married to same man for 20 years, we have 3 kids, 19,15 and 4 years.
When I got pregnant last time at 40 my hubby went through the roof, he said he did not want another child, he was ready to change careers and just kept pressuring me to have an abortion, I refused, we argued cried, had counseling, he still harassed me every day of the pregnancy. It was a relief when he got his new job and moved abroad when I was 10+ months. So I stayed behind and took on to have the baby by myself and taking care of the other 2 while working full time ( I could not fly 10+ pregnant for 16 hours). Eventually we moved to join him after 6 months. It was a shaky period for about a year to adjust to each other and a life in new country. He is now affectionate to our DD. We celebrated our 20th anniversary and we have great sex not always protected.

The reason I am writing here is that we just found out that I am pregnant 15 w. I had my periods and no morning sickness, so I thought little of it until I could feel my uterus grow.
Now he is convinced that I will terminate the baby since he "gave in" last time and "let" me keep it. I say that he has known since day 1 of our relationship that I am Christian and would never even consider an abortion since each and every life is sacred to me.

Yesterday morning he gave me an ultimatum that I have to choose between him and the baby before the end of the week. Termination or divorce!
I believe with all my heart this is a healthy baby, and I can not even consider to have an abortion. So yesterday I packed my bag and took in on a hotel, I can not bare to go through all the harassment and abuse he put me through the last pregnancy.

I have agreed to talk to him on Sunday, but have little hope of him getting out of his EGO- (money, age, time, commitment to another child ) arguments. I would just hate seeing our relationship of 20 years down the drain, we have been thorough so much and I thought our relationship was stronger than ever.

My biggest frustration is that he has not been very diligent in protecting himself. How can you have unprotected sex if your life, sanity and happiness depends on not having another child?????? :-(
And then expect ME to have a termination if it goes wrong, It's not like he doesn't know accidents happen and I get pregnant really easy. (got pregnant with our first child first time we had sex, second was planned and I got Pregnant before next period, and the third you know was not planned).

Fortunately though I am in situation where I know I can take care of myself and the kids if the worst will happen and he goes through with his threats. I will never let myself to kill a baby to keep a man. And if I would do an abortion and he still decides one day to leave me, what is the gain in all???

Last time I had family and friends near, they were all supporting my decision not to terminate. My mother in law even joined me for the delivery. Now I am far away from family, I have not even told them yet since I just found out and wanted to the scan before to see if there was any problems.

Thanks for listening

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Avatar for Cmmelissa
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
Fri, 09-10-2010 - 5:30pm
Big ((HUGS)), I'm so sorry that he is forcing you to choose, that's just not something your dh should be doing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Sat, 09-11-2010 - 3:21pm

What a horrible position to put you in! 15 weeks seems like pretty far along to terminate a pregnancy-- it's more complicated at that point. If he was so worried about you getting pregnant again, as you said, he should have taken other measures, and since he seems determined not to have another baby, what would have been wrong with a vasectomy?

I just had my first baby (a somewhat unplanned pregnancy) at 43 as a single woman, so I am tempted to say get rid of him and keep the baby, but obviously, it's your choice. However, it already sounds like you know what's right for your situation. What he decides to do may be out of your hands, though it won't absolve him of all responsibility for your baby should you decide to continue the pregnancy.

Best wishes, and as the pp said, we're here should you need additional support.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2010
Mon, 09-13-2010 - 3:04am

Hi Karen
Thank you for your support, I took in on a hotel for 3 days, cried, prayed, cried again and talked to my minister. I went home during day knowing my husband would not be around and spent time with the children. But avoided him and just let him know I would be ready to talk on Sunday.

I have decided I will keep the baby come what may, 3 days of pitying myself have to do and I am ready to face DH and what life throws at me.

I got home on Sunday and we talked cried and hugged, but he still thinks it is impossible to accept one more child. I don't know what will come out of this, if I end up as single mum for 3 or he can find some way to get passed his fears, anger and hurt. Reading all the stories of brave women here gives me strength and comfort.

Good bless you and your growing treasures.

P.S My 4 year old built a nest of her pillows, stuffed toys and blanket on the floor next to my bed, intending to keep an eye on me > it took some convincing to get her into her own bed and sleep last night. Heartbreaking how they act on instinct so small.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2010
Mon, 09-13-2010 - 10:37am
Kudos for you in your decision to keep the baby! Ditto for everything everyone else has said. I just wanted to add something about how wonderful this new baby will be for your 4 yr. old. Right now they'll be worlds apart, but she'll have someone more in her realm. since the older two are closer in age. Now she'll have someone in her corner. My own 4 children are between 2-3 years apart and I love that they all have a buddy or someone who can entertain and play with them. My own sisters are 6 and 8 years younger than myself and while growing up, I was just a second mom, now we're each others best friends. It really says a lot about your merits, that you've been happily married to someone for 20 years who obviously doesn't share your views on the precious nature of innocent babies that God trusts us with. You go girl!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2010
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 6:00pm
I am so glad to hear you are keeping the baby. That's what I would have done too. Sorry your husband is being the way he is and I will keep how I feel about him in this situation to myself except to say if you are with him, don't be around him at all if he is going to treat you like he did during the last pregnancy. That is too much to handle and not good for the baby. Best of luck to you.
Avatar for dani_d
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-1998
Thu, 09-23-2010 - 1:48pm

I mostly lurk on this board (I was pg twice this year, but miscarried), but felt I had to respond to your post.



My goodness, your dh has sure put you in an awful position. I'm with you, I COMPLETELY agree that an unborn child has a right to life, no matter how "inconvenient" it may be for the mother and/or father. It is COMPLETELY unfair that your dh is doing this to you. Ummmm...it takes TWO to get pg, ya know?



OK, I got that off my chest now. ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2010
Thu, 09-23-2010 - 9:01pm

Thank you so much, your prayers are a great comfort.

I have been married to him 20 years and hope he will pull through beyond his own pain. I think he has had a slight depression for a while and he has a really hard time coping with this, It's always easier to put the blame on somebody else.

I had an amnio last week and it is a completely healthy baby boy.
And the children are looking forward to a baby brother, especially my son.

I can cope economically, I am actually in a situation where I make more money than him. I won't be bullied into an abortion by anyone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
Tue, 09-28-2010 - 8:48am

My heart breaks for the position you're in, but personally I'm going to give you my honest to goodness answer, whether it's what you want to hear or not.

My husband and I love each other dearly, and I cannot imagine him every giving me that ultimatum, because I know he wouldn't. If you're husband really loves you, the way a husband should, he would never put that decision before you. Furthermore, your already at 15 weeks and well into your second trimester.

I think his ultimatum is incredibly selfish. If he didn't want any more children, it was also his responsibility to something about it. He could have had a vasectomy. You said yourself you both knew you were having unprotected sex. He should have expected that this could happen.

It's just me and I don't know you or your husband, but that doesn't sit well with me whatsoever.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2010
Tue, 09-28-2010 - 10:21am

I fully agree

He is pursuing the divorce. He told the children this Sunday and is out looking for apartment. He has given me until the end of the year to find an alternative place to live. I will cope without him, financially and emotionally.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Thu, 09-30-2010 - 3:01pm

What do you mean, he's given you till the end of the year? Under what legal agreement-- just his own demands? Isn't he the one who should find an alternative place to live? I can't imagine a court going along with forcing you and your kids to move and allowing him to stay, or granting him custody of the kids because he didn't bother with birth control but doesn't want another.

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