sad, frustrated, and depressed
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|Sun, 09-26-2010 - 2:51am|
*sigh* My apologies, but this will definitely be a vent.
I'm so sad right now.
I have been having a really good month of not thinking about the fact that we STILL don't have a baby. A bit of background - I went off the pill in January 09 and we started trying in April 09. Still no baby. We've both been through a battery of tests and are completely healthy. but still no baby. to top it off, my cycle is so erradic that I've only had two days without my period since the beginning of July - but hormonally and physically there is supposedly nothing wrong with me.
My doctor has referred me to a specialist, but the guy she referred me to has a history of being rough and insensitive. So I asked for a new referral - nothing yet ( and that was over a month ago).
So, the month has been going pretty well - started a new job and love it! So I haven't been thinking too much about the baby (or the fact that we can't even try right now). Then today both my mother and mother-in-law were over. Of course the talk goes to my brother's kids, and about "well, when you have kids"... and I tried not to get upset.
We had made it very clear to everyone that we were going to be trying to have a baby as soon as we were married (July 09), so I assumed that they would be smart enough to realise that that's a really long time to not be pregnant yet and keep their mouths shut.
As the day went on I started feeling worse and worse about the situation - I had a good cry this evening, but I'm now the only one awake and I'm feeling rotten! I just feel empty. My nephew called to talk to me tonight - and I could hear his baby sister babbling in the background and it nearly killed me.
All either of us want is a baby and for some reason it isn't happening and I feel useless, hopeless, and broken. Part of me just wants to let the dream die, and try to move on, but another part knows that I can't move on from it. Ever since I was a little girl I wanted to be a mommy, and it just shouldn't be this hard!
I'm going to go now - sorry for the long post. I can barely see the computer screen through the tears... thanks for listening.