I don't know what is wrong with me, but I have been so down and the depression is getting worse. Yesterday morning because of my depression and fraustration I told my b/f to get out of bed at 9:30am to get my broken down car out of my parking lot and to his house to try and sell. He has been telling me he was working on this for 4 months and this guy who was helping him with towing it finally was available and I thought my b/f was going to sleep through this guy being able to help. I knew this guy had things to do later on. My b/f is NOT a morning person. I haven't been sleeping well at all and getting out of bed certainly wasn't what I wanted to do either, but my b/f is always having me call him to wake him in a half hour and then another half hour. It gets to be very annoying. I just wasn't going to go through that yeaterday morning. I didn't take my sleeping meds so that I would be sure to get up in the morning and I didn't sleep worth crap because of that. Anyway we ended up getting into a big arguement over sleep...UGH. I was about ready to go into a rage and then I decided to take my Seraquel, it was during the a.m hours which I usually take it for sleep but I didn't want to go into a rage and I go into some bad ones sometimes, especially if I am depressed or hypomanic or my b/f hurts my feelings real bad and I am very insenitive. I was high/drowsy all afternoon because of the Seraquel but I surely didn't go into a rage. My b/f threw up in my face all that he does for me. I get tired of hearing that everytime we get into an arguement. I don't throw what I do for him up in his face. I may not help him with money but I am very supportive to him and I have been there for him since his dad had taken very ill and has needed his care for the past 7 months. Sometimes I wish I could be that kind of person and just throw that up in his face but I do things out of the goodness of my heart and I don't expect anything in return. I am wondering why he keeps throwing up in my face all he does for me when we argue. Does he really not want to do these things, are they really hard for him to do, or is it just to be mean and hurt me. I don't usually have people help me too much so it is hard to except help and I do appreciate all he does and I have told him so but that doesn't seem to be good enough.
I went to my pdoc on Wednesday and he wouldn't change my antidepressant. He gave me Seraquel and stopped my Risperdal. He said I need to sleep and maybe I will feel less depressed, but sleeping all the time will make me more depressed. I don't know, I am not the doctor. If I don't feel any better in 2 weeks I am calling him. He said he hasn't seen me feeling good since I have started seeing him in April. Well to be honest I don't usually feel that good too often. I do have some good days but most of the time I am down. I guess I am not doing someting right to help myself. I know I am fed up with this illness . Right now I just want to withdrawl from everyone and hide under the covers. I have to go out and vote tomorrow and I hate that I have to push myself to do that but I will. I hate being around people when I am depressed. Well I hope everyone else is doing well. Thanks for letting me vent.
Tina~
Honey...listen to me...and look at everything I've been through...FIGHT YOUR PDOC!!! No, you haven't felt good since you started seeing him in April, DUH! You need something other than those STRONG neuroleptics just making you SLEEP. You need a different anti depressant, something that actually works. What you're taking isn't working obviously. Your doctor isn't listening to you. So PLEASE call him back, like you planned, and GO BACK and INSIST on something else. Seroquel is only going to drug you up and keep you drowsy...that's not a way to live sweety...but you already know all that...I had to fight my pdoc, but it was the best thing I've ever done...and I was TERRIFIED to do it...but I'm very happy that I did.
Your bf loves you...we just all get stressed out from time to time and say a lot of things we don't mean...he does for you because he wants to do things for you. I promise. Don't sweat it, okay?
I'm going to email you tonight...I think my email will be back up tonight from home...
We'll make it through this together...you're not alone as long as I'm right here with you!
Love ya,
Keli