Triggers????? I need help/support (long)
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| Wed, 11-03-2004 - 11:25pm |
Marcie, you wrote me a sweet note and I thank you but here's my dilemna: SD is unaware of her possible bipolar diagnosis and the dr. (not therapist but I forgot the abbreviations already from the newcomers info) doesn't want to tell her until it's for sure this is what she has. It was first thought she was ADHD but the possibility was, and is still, the cyclothesis stage/varient/whatever-it-should-be-called is what's in the minds of her dr. and now me. I never thought the ADHD fit her. HOWEVER, I need some help myself in learning to deal with her.
I was raised by a mother who was mildly paranoid schizophernic and I see me lashing out when SD "pushes my buttons" as my mother did to me - I don't do this with anyone else - just SD. I usually have DH to help break that in me when she starts her crap but with DH gone until January I am tending to snap too easily, even when I don't mean to. SD, with me, gets a look in her eye and its almost a transformation when she gets really angry with me. I see that and my adrenaline starts going and I just really want to hurt her. I feel shameful in saying that but I can't help it, though I could never do anything it's the reactions that first come to my mind. I just don't act like this except with one other person and thats my own mother; and I try to have as little contact with her as possible because of the emotions that she evokes in me. I don't understand what triggers my SD to 1st - get so mad at me that she begins to literally transform into someone who truly looks evil, and 2nd - how can I control my temper because of it? I have asked the dr. about it and she says to take a deep breath. My SD told me I had no right to put my hands on her (I pushed her away from me last night) and I knew she was right. Of course my response was she has no right to get so angry at me simply because I told her to go back in the house and not interrupt me while I was talking on the phone (that's what *triggered* her - and she wasn't going to tell me anything that couldn't have waited to begin with). I told myself I needed to just put up signs all around the house that say "WALK AWAY" b/c I know that's what I need to do. SD has said many times she doesn't know why she does the things she does and last night it came down to a few different things: She was bored (she was doing her homework), she didn't have anyone to talk to (she's grounded currently from the phone and internet because she was late coming home Halloween night), and she can't find the time to get her chores done (something that never seems to happen anyway and I learned to deal with). After all that I was fine, but from the moment I asked her what her problem was (as she was slamming the dishes around the kitchen as she was putting them away and she said "nothing", which is the norm when I know it's something I've done that she doesn't like) I simply felt my blood start to boil with every second I stood there. I guess that's where I should stop but if I don't she then becomes even more manic/angry. She literally wants to pick a fight and I seem to fall for it everytime - though I don't always lose my temper like I did last night.
Now, DH and I were told by the dr. that she will probably continue to push me because she's basically trying to see if I will just give up/walk away/ignore her/whatever as her mother did (another very long story for another time) and so I will continue to be tested. I hate this! I usually get too caught up to breathe and honestly, perhaps b/c of my background, am afraid of her to an extent as I was on occassion with my mother but the one thing I do know is that I have to figure out a way to control this. I am not, by nature, this person I become when that switch is flipped - though I will say it doesn't last very long b/c I do quickly realize I have to stop. Is there anyone else who experiences this within themselves???? If so how do you recognize it and what do you do? I really need some support.
thanks...
MaryAnne

MaryAnne,
You have a quadrupal whammy going on with your SD:
A few things stood out to me when I read your post. First off, I don't know your SD, but I know what being a teenager is like and honestly, what you're describing isn't really abnormal in my opinion. Just because she gets angry (even REALLY angry) and is moody doesn't necessarily mean she is BP or has cyclothymic disorder....it could very well be that she is a teenager with crazy hormones and that combined with outside stressors (a divorce, and a new step-parent) might be just be enough. I think it's good that the pdoc isn't telling her she might be BP - that is SO much for a teenager to handle, and if the doctor isn't pretty confident that's it, there's no reason to burden her with that label. Of course, I am not a doctor and not her doctor, so I'm not saying she couldn't be BP....just keep in mind that being a teenager can cause a lot of what you've described.
Ok, second, is she depressed? You described her being angry or "manic", but does she switch back and forth between being withdrawn, sad, un-social, and really agitated? That's a key factor in a BP (or cyclothymia) diagnosis....although once again, I would be surprised to hear that she's never depressed, since that, too is a huge part of being a teenager.
None of us can diagosis your daughter, but what I found interesting is that you seem to be most concerned with your own reactions right now - which is good, since they can escalate the problem. Do you realize that the way you described it makes it sound like you guys have the same thing going on? She gets really angry for no reason, like a switch has been flipped, and then you get that same switch flipped in reaction to her being angry....which is justified. My only piece of advice is that I think you all might benefit a lot from family therapy, and your SD may benefit from individual therapy. She is obviously upset, maybe she needs someone to talk to to get all of her emotions and reactions worked out.
Ok, I'll get off my soap box now - I know fighting with family members is really stressful and hard to deal with, I'm past my teen years but still go through it with my father on a daily basis, and wish that we had gone through therapy years before it all started. Now I'm doing it on my own and learning how to deal with the fact that we don't get along (and counting the days till I move out). So hang in there, and try to focus on solving the problem rather than finding a diagnosis.
- Jessica
Thanks for your advice. There are times when I thought that possibly SD's issues were just teenage years and my DH definately thought that but there have been other things that weren't normal. Her psychiatrist did some more Connor testing on her when it was first thought that she was ADHD and she has anti-social tendencies. She's had some other testing as well as being questioned re: some of the more obvious issues that bipolars have to deal with. It was at that moment that she kept answering yes to that my DH looked at me with a look that made him realize that what I had been trying to tell him for two weeks. It sunk in that it was more than just the teenage years. She is a great kid and we are able to sit down afterward our blow ups and I appologize for my behavior b/c I shouldn't let myself become that upset when she gets like that. Usually I don't let her get me that mad but this time is when I really stopped and realized that this is the same pattern that happened when I was her age when my mother would begin yelling at me for whatever she was upset about something - something that turned out she would appologize for b/c as w/ my SD she didn't know what made her get so upset. I think I mentioned that my mother is paranoid schizophernic. Yeah, and once I can get to what it is that is bothering SD we both can calm down.
Oh, and for the record, DH and SD's mother were never married, never even in a relationship, and he didn't find out about her until five years ago. He and I had been married for six months at that time. I know she's had alot to deal with in her life - which is why she's in counseling - and I really am better than I let on. It's just those times that occur that I feel at my wits end... blah, blah, blah.
I really needed to vent here to make sure I wasn't the only one out there who had these moments. I usually post on the Stepparenting board but most of them don't have the same issues and I'm glad I'm able to come here.