New, feeling scared

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2003
New, feeling scared
3
Fri, 11-05-2004 - 7:41am
getting diagnosed with bipolar II was not my idea of fun, and i have been trying to deny that i truly have this problem. i feel like a freak. no wonder i have job problems, relationship problems.....my son called me a "weirdo" 4 months ago, haven't seen or heard from him since. i am 42 yrs old and am unemployed, AGAIN. i just feel so crazy and so unstable. i don't know how to set healthy boundaries, i am either pissed off at someone, or crying because i get my feelings hurt so easily, or people scare me. i have also been diagnosed with BOrderline personality. i saw my therapist monday, and am going to start attending a support group soon.

sometimes, i feel like i could go out and conquer the world, that i KNOW i could get a certain job, or attend college AND work and do well, then i have a crash, and sleep all the day thru, and stay up all night. it's just been so bizarre. and i also have fibromyalgia, which my doc says is just part of this whole mess of having mixed up brain chemistry, like everything's out of sync. so i am limited on the work i can do-nothing too physical, or i will get sick.

i just needed to vent. thanks for listening. how to cope with this? that's what i want to know? will i ever be stable and employed? feeling a bit hopeless at this point.

nita
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 11-05-2004 - 8:01am
Hi Nita and welcome! I know how horrible you feel...how scared and hopeless...but don't give up...we've all been right where you are...I have had a terrible battle with bipolar disorder and am just now getting stable and feeling good again. It takes a LOT of strength and courage...a good Pdoc, the right meds, therapy, and support. I work a full time job, have a dh and a 14 year old son, and I'm TRYING to get some sort of personal life back again. That's not easy to do. Even though I'm stable again, I still have good days and bad days...this is for life...and you have to accept it and FIGHT it and move forward with it. Its been 3 years since my diagnosis and I KNOW how hard it is...I've had 4 hospitalizations during this time...but all of this has been necessary to get me to where I am now...functional, stable...happy...productive...so it CAN be done...everything you're going through will get better, I promise!

When I was in the psych ward, they also told me I was probably Borderline. But I've not focussed on that...only the Bipolar...its been hard enough alone. The therapies and meds are mostly the same anyway.

Do you have a pdoc? on meds? I'm glad you're here...we're a great support group and are here for you!

Hugs,

Keli

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Fri, 11-05-2004 - 9:22pm

Nita,

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2004
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 5:52pm
Nitali,

I'm new here but I wanted to give you my $0.02. I finally went to see a psychiatrist after years of struggling and seem to be getting my symptoms under control. As far as employment I am fortunate - I write computer programs and get to spend a great deal of time alone. In fact, if I don't work for a day or two no one even notices (particularly because my hypomanic times result in incredible productivity). I like to think that those of us with mood disorders just feel things much more strongly than others. Sometimes we are paralyzed with depression but, other times, we can create magnificant things in very short periods of time - its just how we are. The trick is to finding a vocation that can accomodate our atypical work style.

Kay Redfield Jamison wrote a book called Touched With Fire about the relationship between bipolar and artistic temperament. I have not read this but I enjoyed An Unquiet Mind and I have heard that its a good book. I think regardless of a "mental illness", physical disablity, artistic temperament, or whatever, the key is to finding something that works for us. There have been many brilliant bipolar people throughout history. I have a very successful career but I leave work and cry over my boss's disapproval, I call in sick because deadlines stress me out, I get irrationally angry at my coworkers and spouse, and I throw things in the kitchen. I try to treat it sort of like pms. If I know I'm in one of *those* moods I either take a tranquilizer, stay home, avoid people, or apologize later. I have an intense personality and sometimes I take things way too far. On a positive note, my intensity is not always limited to the negative - I am sometimes very funny, charismatic, and loving. Generally, others either love me or hate me - there's no middle ground or ambivalence.

I would also like to encourage you to try to adopt a healthy lifestyle. I'm still working on quitting the alcohol but even cutting out the caffeine made a tremendous difference in my mood and ability to sleep. I also avoid sugar like the plague and that helps a great deal - blood glucose fluctuations can cause very bizarre mood swings. Exercise is a tremendous boost but I just can't get into a routine - that is one of my goals. Take vitamins (especially B-complex) Take responsibility for your health, learn as much as you can, and do what you can to make a difference. Some people can just breeze through life - we aren't one of them. We have to work at it. Start with something small - trade one cup of coffee for a glass of water and take a multivitamin in the morning. Write daily in your journal about what you've done today. And, for goodness sake, don't take it to heart when someone calls you a "weirdo." Personally, I don't *want* to be just like everyone else. I am most assuredly different and that is just fine with me.

{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}