A brief rant (poss trigs)
Find a Conversation
| Tue, 11-09-2004 - 11:31pm |
I don't know how I was so naive the past few weeks, thinking that maybe I was "better" and could probably go months without seeing a psychiatrist again...as I posted here, I even cancelled my appointment with my pdoc because I was feeling just great! But I'm sure I wouldn't have been considered to be manic...
It's just so frustrating...I have been through all the antidepressants and so now I almost wish that something else (besides simple depression) was wrong with me so that there might be a way to fix it! My former psychiatrist and my current one both see fibromyalgia as either just a symptom of depression or some "invalid" diagnosis...and I really hate that...but it is true that my pain has only started up again lately (although it's definitely bearable)...
I'm so tempted just to throw away my two antidepressants (which have reduced my physical pain an incredible amount) and the supplement I take to prevent migraines...if I'm not truly physically ill and I should be able to manage the depression part on my own, then according to doctors I should be fine with no meds. I know that would be a really childish way to try to prove them wrong, though...but I'm just sick of everything right now, it seems.
Sorry about this post...I do have an appointment scheduled with my new psychiatrist this Friday, which I will go to...but I wish I hadn't canceled my last one, since now she'll only see me when I'm depressed. At the last appointment, she told me to consider going on Abilify for depression...which as far as I know probably has a lot of side effects and isn't shown to treat unipolar depression very well...so it seems kind of hopeless.
Wow, how did I go from "great" to miserable in a few days?! Thanks for listening, and maybe things will turn around again soon...hopefully so, since I can't concentrate enough to do any work, and I feel so painfully down that most of the time I can hardly believe that I will manage to go on...there seems to be nothing in life to look forward to.
Rose
Edited 11/9/2004 11:34 pm ET ET by rosa444

I had a bad reaction to Abilify, so I can't vouch for that one, but I know someone who's had good results with it. Its an anti-psychotic though, so I'm a little unsure as to why you'd want to take it for depression.
Don't worry about coming here to vent your frustrations, we do it all the time.
Hugs,
Keli
Hey Rose, don't give up hope! I went through years of recurrent/chronic depression and untreated ADHD - this past year my pdoc has mentioned the possiblitiy of Bipolar II but he wasn't totally convinced until I had a definite hypomanic episode this summer - and then I watched Jane Pauley. The ups and downs are still happening but I've accepted the fact that it will take awhile to get on an even keel. What has helped me is to do a mood chart - meds, anxiety, irritability, mood (depressed, OK, euphoria) and sleep. And most importantly, when I get my period.
I still don't know much about all of this, but your previous post did sound like you might have been hypomanic. And as I've learned from experience and my pdoc, "what goes up must come down!" - which is what I'm hoping will not happen to me like it did you, but I've been hypomanic for four days now - so we'll see. Ask your new pdoc about this stuff. And don't try to do it on your own - in our profession, it is "Doctor, Heal Thyself!" - docs are notorious for not taking care of themselves!
peace and love,
just_a_big_kid
But a doctor I had in my college town who talked to me for longer than any other doctor had (he was a psychiatrist who was focusing on natural medicine, so I'd actually gone to see him about my fibromyalgia) said that there was a strong possibility I could be mildly bipolar...and he said he would prescribe Lamictal to me if I could find someone to follow up with on it (but then my insurance ran out, so I couldn't).
And this current psychiatrist of mine asked me recently if I'd ever been manic...I told her about my "high" feelings and the big plans that I make. Then she asked me if I'd ever actually followed through on those plans, like leaving med school and becoming a professional dancer (when I can't dance at all), or acting out sexually, or spending a huge amount of money at once...and I had to agree that I never have.
I guess my depression is kind of similar in a way...I have often felt really horrible but haven't often acted on those feelings. So I guess that is a sign that it is less serious? Anyway, I have my next appointment with the psychiatrist this afternoon, so wish me luck...already I have my second migraine of the week and still feel really down...and I've heard that Topamax can help with migraines and bipolar...but I doubt my doctor would prescribe it to me because I have trouble getting myself to eat sometimes already.
Thanks again so much...you guys have been such a great support to me, hope you're doing OK,
Rose
P.S. Oh, I'm not exactly sure how Abilify is supposed to treat depression...guess it's an "off-label" use of the med...the doctor did say it might help with some of the repetitive thoughts I have, mostly negative thoughts about myself. But those aren't as bothersome as the mood issues, though...I am getting worried that I am crashing so much that I am becoming non-functional...but hopefully something will help. I'll bring up Cymbalta at the appointment if my doc doesn't...I'm so glad it's working well for you.
I used to do a mood chart when I was in therapy...starting it up again does sound like a good idea. I'll do that...I've also heard that writing down foods you eat and other things can help determine the triggers for migraines (which I've had weekly for over a month), so maybe a big record would help...hopefully I'll have enough motivation and time to keep at least a minimal chart. My period also affects my moods a lot, I know.
Looking back, I guess it's possible that I was slightly hypomanic earlier...at least I'm sure I was a lot "higher" than I am now! I also hope that you don't "crash" from your hypomanic mood...whether or not what I'm going through is a crash, it's no fun!
Thanks for the advice...I will bring this up with my doctor. I know you're right that med students (and I would guess doctors too) can be bad about taking care of themselves...I know I need to try to, but a lot of times there seems to be kind of this atmosphere that doctors shouldn't be "weak." Just yesterday, the doctor I was shadowing got mad when he found out that another student wasn't coming in because she didn't feel good...his response was "doctors aren't allowed to get sick...that's unacceptable!".
As you can imagine, that made me feel even worse...there is no way I'll make it as a med student and doctor without getting ill at times. Oh well...one day at a time, I guess. I think it's also hard being a med student and trying to bring up the subject of bipolar with my doctor...I feel like she will see me as just another healthy hypochondriac who has read one too many psychopathology textbooks! I'll try, though...
Thanks again, hope you are still doing well,
Rose
(((Rose)))
So, how old was this doctor who said that it wasn't acceptable for doctors to get sick??!! He
peace and love,
just_a_big_kid