new, need to vent - triggers

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
new, need to vent - triggers
1
Sun, 11-14-2004 - 10:25pm
Hi everyone. New here at this board. Just wanted to vent a bit. See it in writing, maybe. I'm 27, and put on Paxil for 2nd time, dx'd depression, (1st time I was 20) about 5 months ago. Everything was *super duper* until almost a month ago. I went to a new tdoc because my impending divorce (yeah, after 6 mos. of wedded bliss) triggered a bad episode of depression. After the meds kicked in I joined a gym, went back to college , took a class at the local tech school, hooked up with some guy(not my hubbie), maxed out my crdit card, blah blah blah.

And now the past 3-4 wks, I'm crashed again. I'm still taking the Paxil but I feel like I did before I startd taking it. I burned my hands til they blistered today, just because I wanted to. And I couldn't stop, well didn't want to is more like it. I haven't done this SI sh**t since 7 years ago. And I can't sleep, but I can barely get out of bed. I'm failing my class, haven't been to the gym for weeks (and when I was better, I signed a contract for a year! $$$! ugh!). I don't want to do anything, period, except get drunk, and often. You know how it is when it just sucks too much.

My depression's come and gone for years, but I didn't get treatment except for the 1st x, because my STBX didn't believe in any of it. This time it was bad like the first, or worse. But if I was doing so great for a couple months why did I crash if I'm still taking Paxil? Now I'm wondering about me being BP. I wouldn' have thought it, but my aunt just died last year, and it turned out she was BP. My 1st time on meds I quit them on my own because I thought I was doing so kick-ass. Same stuff, only younger. Drinking, smokign pot, SI, ED (anorexic/bulemic) spending, exercising, 3 jobs, all A's in school. Yeah, like that lasted.

Guess I don't even know what I want. Just maybe an ear to vent to. I feel too stupid to tell my doctor, and I stopped going to my tdoc once I started feeling better. I'd feel too stupid bringing it up with her anyway. It can't be real, it can't be true. And it's not bad like a lot of people have it. I've never had to be put in the hospital, even for the ED, and I've never had any psychosis. I'ts probably all in my head, or I just want attention, or I'm a hypochondriac, or just overdramatic or something. Better off that way. Thanks for letting my use a bit of your space- sorry it's so friggin long.

Beth






Edited 11/14/2004 11:47 pm ET ET by duckduck528

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Mon, 11-15-2004 - 1:02pm
Hi Beth,

I new here also, (I'm 50) but your story sounds a lot like mine. I have been being treated for depression for years but a year and a half ago I crashed and ended up in the hospital with a major panic attack. I started with a tdoc because of some issues with my dd, who has ED also and after a few sessions, I felt on top of the world. I felt I had dealt with all the mother/daughter issues and was ready to climb to the top of any mountain. A few months later I crashed again into deep depression and started back to my tdoc. This time I started therapy for issues of incest. After about a year of therapy for that I confronted my father and again, I felt on top of the world - nothing was going to stop me. I signed up for classes at college, volunteered to be a child court advocate, had great and frequent sex with my dh (sorry if that is too much, but as an incest survivor I had not been able to enjoy being with him for the past 30 years), joined a gym (Yeah, the whole year thing-stupid because I have ALWAYS hated exercising) and stopped seeing my tdoc.

Then it all started to fall apart again and I crashed deeper than I had ever been in depression. I called my tdoc and she saw me immediately and told me that she had long thought I might be bipolar, but hadn't seen a definitive episode until now.

All that being said, Beth, I seriously encourage you to go back to your tdoc. You are not just making this stuff up. I don't know how Paxil is for depression or bipolar - I take Effexor, Klonopin and Lamictal - but there are medicines that can help you level out your moods. Bipolar is more a physical ailment than mental and nothing to be embarrassed about (although if I am completely honest, I totally freaked out when tdoc told me I was bipolar because previously I could 'blame' all the sh*t in my life on my father's incest and now it was me who was ill). But I am coming to terms with it (It's only been about 2 months since I was diagnosed) and I know that the meds are helping.

Sorry also to be so long-winded. I hope you will try to find help, it will be worth it.

Take care,

Sarah