Triggers** - thinking out loud.
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| Tue, 11-16-2004 - 2:49pm |
Just thinking out loud again.
I stayed up most of last night writing a "journal" of the past 7 years. I did get some insight from doing it. I can definitely see a pattern of high and low. Mostly lows, some in between, and a couple (3-4) highs, which all ended in depression.
I've got a new boyfriend. He's totally different from my almost EX-husband. I think I lucked out this time. He's very caring and sensitive. And has had a lot of problems of his own in the past. I think he'll think I'm making things up. Or just looking for attention. He has a bad childhood to blame for his problems - and I'm NOT going to talk about my childhood issues with ANYBODY. So I can't take feeling trivialized, just because it appears to everyone that I come from the perfect family life. Not that he's done anything to make me feel like this. I just expect it, so I haven't told him anything. But it's bad enough feeling down, without the added pressure of him thinking it's because of him when it's really me.
I know I need to get back to a tdoc, but now I have to find another one. I couldn't shake this feeling that mine was just humoring me. I felt like she was thinking there are so many people out there who actually have real problems, and I was wasting her time, and looking for attention. So I've got to find someone new. Just don't have the energy or guts to. And what if I tell them everything? What if I tell them I burned myself, and cut my leg last night? Will they lock me up or something? Because if that's the case, then I won't go.
And since I'm separated from my H, and on his insurance, they will send any notices about this to him,right? And I can't bear the idea that he knows I'm going to see someone. I'd rather wait until March when I can go on my own insurance at work.
I'm living back with my parents because of the divorce. And to go through the day without letting them know what I'm thinking is really tough. But I'll never be able to tell them how I feel. They'd never believe it anyway. And blame it on me. So I keep all this in my head. But now I'm posting here, hopefully not bumming anyone out. I'd love to be cheerful. But then why would I have found this place if nothing was bugging me, right? Hopefully it will help me see things in a different way, and sort things out.
Nobody can find me from these postings, right?

Sweetie,
Hey there and welcome to the board...I just wanted to reassure, as did Marci, that nobody can trace you here, so feel free to vent anything you need to talk about. Marci gave you some great advice and support and I agree with everything she said. Go slow with how much you reveal to your bf, some people don't understand, but its not because they don't care...Bipolar, as any mental illness is VERY hard to understand if you're not living it. My dh is VERY understanding, but even he doesn't understand it as much as he tries to. We're here though and we understand, so feel free to come back as much as you need. And don't feel like you have to be perky and chipper all the time when you post. NONE of us are perky all the time...its the nature of the disorder.
I'm glad you're here!
Hugs,
Keli