I feel so stupid!
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|Sat, 09-11-2010 - 5:07am|
Here's my story...
My name is Meredith, and I'm 36 years old. I have two older children (13&14) from my marriage, which ended 5 years ago. My ex-boyfriend and I were together for a year when we broke up in April because he found out that the child of his ex-wife's adult daughter was his. His ex-wife has custody of that child and he made a big show of needing to "do right by" him, so he was going to move back home. He told me over and over that he still cared about me and if I ever needed anything to call.
Fast forward to July, the week of my 36th birthday. My computer had broken down and I called him to see if he could come fix it, as he does this on the side and I knew he'd give me a better rate than anybody else. Well, when he came to fix it I was depressed because of my birthday and because at my annual checkup, my doctor had told me that she was pretty sure I'd started perimenopause, not to mention a little intoxicated. One thing led to another and we ended up having sex. Not really a big deal in and of itself...I'm an independent woman and comfortable with my sexuality. I was on the pill and the thought of pregnancy never crossed my mind. I thought the fatigue and nausea were because of the insanely hot summer we had, and that the bloating was the normal pms variety. Boy, was I wrong, I learned after 4 positive tests.
I told him and he went into a sort of denial funk, and just kept saying, "I don't know what to do now." So I left him be to work out whatever was conflicting him. I had my first pre-natal appointment yesterday and texted him the official due date and got a non-committal "ok" as a response. I went on to tell him that I could really use some sort of support, because whether we had wanted it or not, it was happening. That's when it came out that he's in marriage counselling with this woman that he had never ever had one good thing to say about, even a week ago when I ran into him in the store that I work at. He is afraid that this baby is going to ruin everything for him. I never wanted to get back together...the whole having a baby with his step-daughter thing squicked me out completely...but I was hoping that he'd at least be there to help me out through the pregnancy and be my birthing coach, since I have no family closer than 2 hours away. I ended up telling him that I wasn't the type to stand in the way of anybody's marriage, so I'd contact him when I had all the paperwork he needed to sign together and leave him alone otherwise.
I'm fine with raising a child on my own. I have two wonderful boys that I practically raised single-handedly and never give me a lick of trouble. However, being a single mom already I know that I am going to need financial support and I'm not shy about asking for it, because I do what I need to to take care of my children. He isn't getting off scot free by any means. I'm very angry that he could leave a tornado of hurt behind him (my boys loved him too) in order to "do right" for his child of border-line incest and wants nothing to do with this child. I'm also scared that by demanding he support this child that he'll have legal recourse to get some sort of custody, should he choose, and I do NOT want my child anywhere near his "ex" wife. She'd naturally be resentful and has a list of mental illnesses so long that she's receiving disability for it.
Ugh! What a mess. I feel so stupid. I'm an adult and I should know better than to get knocked up by accident. I'm 36, 8 weeks pregnant, and I've never felt so alone in my whole life. Yet on the other hand, being a mom is the best thing I've ever done in my life and I'm feeling blessed to be able to do it again when I never thought I would. This baby was unexpected, but is definitely not unwanted.
Sorry this got so long, but thanks for letting me rant and ramble. :)