Pardon my anger.....possible triggers
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| Wed, 11-17-2004 - 12:57pm |
I just can't be happy, xdh is gone, I should be happy. I'm just depressed beyond any and all I have been in a long time. I want so much to get off my can and do something productive. That ain't happenin'. I truly feel as if I'm going mad.
I take my meds like clockwork, but I've also been known to self medicate so that I will feel "better" for a while, sometimes longer than what my meds do.
I know I shouldn't do what I've done, but I can't help it.
Am I weak because I can't be strong and fight BP? I can't just put on a happy face. That isn't me. I would feel fake and I like to be genuine.
Okay....ramble over. As you can tell, I can't keep my thoughts straight.
I'll be online tonight, if I don't go to sleep.
Send me cyber hugs please? I really do need them now more than ever. I am truly sinking and no life raft in sight.
HUGS!!!!!!!!
Carla

Carla:
Please see my post to you on the roll call thread.
Good luck!
Tracey
Thank you. Thank you so very much.
(((((HUGS)))))
Carla
TRIGGERS....
Carla,
I posted to you below from your first post. Hon, listen to me...you need more professional help that we can offer you right now...but I am willing to listen...and I always have hugs for you. I am worried about you, and what you've done, so post back if you can later and let me know you're okay.
I've self medicated before too, and let me be brutally honest with you...it made me 1000 times worse. I felt better for a FEW minutes and then I crashed even harder.
Are you SI'ing? Are you safe right now?
Post back.
Hugs,
Keli
I'm not SI'ing I'm just low. Pdoc can't see me until January. JANUARY!!
I think as my day goes, I get more depressed. I thought I was cycling, but I'm stuck in the depression. I know I need help, but when I go see the doc I try to tell him everything and he cuts me off short. I get the feeling that he thinks I'm not really sick. Paranoia at its best.
How can I tell I need help and know what I know and still be like this. BP is controlling me. Before it was xdh, now it is BP. When I go to verbalize my feelings everyone, my Mom, my best friend Todd, pdoc....everybody thinks I'm just a negative complainer. How can I get pasted that. I know they are right, but when i'm manic they say I talk to much. I have never been this out of control.
Pdoc has promised numerous times to get an appt with a tdoc.....no appt yet.
Until then, I need you all so much. I sure hope you don't mind my rambles and rants. I have no place to turn. I need you all so very much.
(((((HUGS)))))
Carla
BIG TRIGGERS....
When I was really out of control, I had to admit myself into the hospital...I didn't get paid for it, and I was REALLY afraid of losing my job too...BUT, it was either that, or die. Point blank.
I have had to write things out on a piece of paper for my pdoc to read. I talk a lot too when I am manic and when I'm depressed I shut up completely. There is a huge difference.
I was stuck in depression too. No cycling up out of it for me either. I knew that I had to get help, or I wasn't going to make it. I didn't want to make it, and when I reached that point, I knew I didn't have much of a chance left, so I FORCED myself to call my pdoc, tell her I was going to the ER...then I cried and cried and cried and hit myself on my leg all the way home (I was at work at the time) and I went home, hsyterically told my dh that I had to go to the hospital. He packed my bag, I went...stayed for 10 days, passed my crisis and came home. It wasn't yet over though. When I was in the hospital, they put me on Effexor...it helped, but not for long...my pdoc took me back off of it, cold turkey a while afterwards...I got horrible withdrawals from it, and went through ANOTHER horrible time...for 5 weeks, I was desperately ill...physically, emotionally, mentally...again, I didn't know if I would make it...SOOOOO, one day, I called my pdoc, told her I was going off ALL my meds, and would start over, since NONE of them seemed to be helping me. Well, needless to say, I'm Bipolar, that didn't last long. I'm now only on TWO meds, plus my Ativan for anxiety. And I'm at low doses of what I am taking. I feel better now than I have in a while. My point is Carla...I had to take my mental and physical health into my own hands and INSIST that my pdoc help me, and not keep overmedicating me. The meds at such HIGH doses and so many at once were making me so much worse than I really was. And I did have to INSIST. Pdocs get paid to write prescriptions. That's the nature of their jobs. YOU have to be proactive about your Bipolar care. Or at least that's the lesson I've learned. I AM NOT SAYING THAT EVERYONE NEEDS TO GO OFF THEIR MEDS THOUGH. That's just what I had to do because I was so overmedicated. I advocate meds...just the right ones, at the right dosages.
You post as much as you need to and you WILL get through this. If I can get through everything I have gone through, then anyone can. I'm here, I'll help you.
Hugs,
Keli
**TRIGGERS**
Carla:
What Keli has told you, in both this thread and the Anticipation thread, are very important AND TRUE! If your pdoc isn't addressing your concerns about how your meds are working, then you might need a new pdoc. Either way, your typical pdoc isn't going to give you therapy, they are only going to give you a Rx...and another and another and another...
You have listed the meds you are on and they are EXTREMELY high doses. You have been struggling against this depression for months now and giving it various excuses (xdh, work, etc). I honestly think it is time that you looked at going to the hospital. You can get your meds straightened out and your moods stabilized and it WILL help you get back on your feet.
Check with the HR department at your work. You might have some form of short or long term disability that will pay you at least a % of your pay while you are there. At the very least I am certain they cannot terminate you for going inpatient.
No matter what else you do, call your pdoc RIGHT NOW. Be very to the point that you are in a bad place and need help. The meds they are giving you aren't working!!!
Hang in there, you can make it through this.
Tracey
Tonight I'm going to go home and try to journal some of my thoughts. I know I'm pretty bad off at this point. I hate to admit x's leaving put me in this state. It isn't his fault. I need to start finding out who I am, and if that means I need to go to the hospital, then I will. I have my Mother, and my twin sisters 5 yr old to think about. Honestly, they are the two single reasons I am still on this side of the grass.
I do think it is time to go to the hospital. I pay into short term disability, it will pay 40% of my wages after one month off. I'll check into that further tomorrow. Actually the insurance office is directly across the hall. I work in State Government.
Well ladies.......I love you each and every one. I may be going to ER, but I'm going to try to journal for a week, hopefully get into see pdoc when I explain I need more help than the child with the bed wetting problem (he does a lot of that sort of work). Shameful when I truly need his help he isn't there. So much like my ex.
I give you all my word. I will make it through this. I have to, Mr. Right is out there somewhere just waiting for me to become stable. I hope I can find him. =o)
(((((HUGS)))))
Carla
Carla!!! YES, you WILL make it through this and I am soooo happy to hear you sound POSITIVE and say that you will go to the ER if you need to. You'll be really glad to get your meds stabilized and you'll get some much needed therapy too. I think you need to find a new PDoc too, if you can. Take baby steps. The first one, is your safety and wellness.
Always here for you!
Hugs,
Keli