New here...could use some info/support

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2004
New here...could use some info/support
3
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 9:17am

Hi, folks. I found your board yesterday and did a little lurking. Doing a complete intro would take you all days to read, but here is the condensed version...

My mom was dx w/paranoid schizophrenia about 35 yrs ago. I was 7. Over the years, her dx changed to bipolar and more recently schizoaffective disorder. I have been her primary caregiver all of my adult life. I spent most of those years angry and bitter that I was placed in that role. I never researched the illness or attempted to truly understand it. I did believe it was real, but felt that my mother should have done more to take care of herself, rather than leaving that to me.

As a teen, I went to my mom and told her about my anxiety and depression. She poo-poo'd it and said there was nothing wrong with me. Well, what would she say? To admit that there was a problem w/me, she'd have to admit that there was a problem w/her and she's *never* done that. I knew something was wrong w/me, but figured since it wasn't as bad as my moms (delusions, voices, etc) then it must be normal.

When I turned 40/41 I decided enough was enough and talked to my primary care dr. She said if I was asking, then let's try something and she gave me lexipro. No idea what was wrong, just gave me the meds. The Lexipro was great. I could focus and function. That was cool. And it didn't make me feel differently (of course a fear i had that kept me away from meds for years), it just made me feel functional.

After 1 1/2 yrs, the lexipro wasn't working as well. I decided to actually see a psychiatrist. I went for the first time maybe 6 wks ago. The tentative diagnosis is bipolar disorder. pdoc (is that psych doc?) weened me off the lexipro and started me on lamictal. I'm at 125mg on my way to 200mg. I'm having some good days and bad days. I've always been very vocal about MI because of my mom. I believe that if we don't talk about it, don't put a face on it, then it will remain in the closet and not get the attention and funding for research that it needs. Funny thing was that I really had to digest the dx! Bipolar...ME????? Nah! Well, maybe? I had to realize that i was no different today than I was yesterday. So if i was bipolar, then i always had been, but it had never been dx'd. Then i had to decide if I could be as open about what was now *my* illness as I'd been w/my mom's illness. Took a few days. Then i realized I had to stand by my convictions, not be hypocritical, and be just as open about my illness as I've been about my mom's. So I've been sharing this with others, on an as needed basis. Of course, most of my friends have been in my life for so long that getting a dx is as much of a relief to them as it is to me, so i'm pretty lucky.

K...now ya know about me. hi! *waving* I am hoping you can answer some questions. I watched Oprah yesterday with Maurice Bernard and Linda Hamilton. I could identify with so much that they talked about...especially the rage. What I found myself thinking tho', was that i want more info, more specifics. What exactly does it feel like? Is my illness as bad as theirs? Are their degrees of "badness"? What should I be looking for? How can I be sure this is what I have? I've done some reading, but not alot. Are their any books that you would recommend for someone who has been around MI for a lifetime, but don't really understand it?

Maybe next time I'll fill you in on my 7yo dd, who I think also may be dealing with bipolar disorder.

Thanks so much for being here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 10:22am

Hi and welcome to the board. Its nice to have you here. I'm 34 years old and have been dxed for about 4 years, but only taking meds for around 3. I'm not sure exactly what you're asking in your questions, and I missed the Oprah show yesterday as I was working!!! Ugh...lol

You didn't mention what symptoms you had that led you to seek a diagnosis...

Also, there are degrees of every illness...and mental illness is no different. Being Bipolar, I have come to realize, has sometimes been a blessing. Yes, I did say blessing. I've become much stronger because of my illness...but my illness doesn't define who I am. Make any sense? Mental illness is such a terrorizing intrusion in your life, and it sometimes takes years, as you well know, to find any calm...any peace in your life...it takes a lot of hard work, and a GREAT support system. I'm glad you seem to have friends who understand! This board is really good as well. I'm not sure on any specific BP books, but maybe someone else here knows of one. There's lot of information on the internet though. I always do a google.com search and type in Bipolar and get lots of information.

Do you have manias along with your depression? Are you stabilizing on Lamictal? Are your rages calming? We've all been there, so feel free to be as open as you feel comfortable being. Ask anything you want to ask and we'll do our best to answer your questions!

Again, welcome!

Hugs,

Keli

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2004
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 11:46am

Thanks for the welcome, Keli. I'm 42, was recently diagnosed, but think I've had the illness since I was a teen.

Thanks for the laugh. I'm not really sure what i was asking either! I think in a nutshell, I'm trying to find out what it feels like for others. What *are* racing thoughts? I hear people talk about racing thoughts, but am not really clear on what that means.

Symptoms...let's see...

1) inability to function - can't keep up w/the house, can barely keep up w/the kids, difficulty combining work and home.

2) anxiety. I've had this forever so I have learned some coping mechanisms. I know when the anxiety is based on something, and when it's not, ie the brain chemistry is out of whack. I know that it will pass, and I just have to wait it out. One of the reasons I went in search of a psychiatrist was that the anxiety attacks were getting more severe and more often, even though I was on the Lexipro.

3) shopping??? Dare I even go there? Oh if you only knew. Well, maybe some of you do. Does anyone remember when the internet was really hopping and the retailers were all getting websites. In order to attract people, they offered more free stuff and cheap stuff than was imaginable. I got everything I could. It started w/coupons for $10 off $10 or more. That wasn't bad. But when all the goodies went away, I didn't. Amazon had a sale after xmas...and so did several other online retailers. I still have the proof of that in my attic! someday i'll have to go and just donate a bunch of 5+ year old toys! Then there was the doll phase. Started with idolls - the dolls were $20 with a trashbag full of clothes. I have two girls so I thought it would be good to get them one...no two...hmmm, i should buy these and sell them. I think I still have about 15 or 20 in the attic that i haven't sold. Moved from them to My Twin dolls. Those were closer to $100 each. Again, figured I could sell them, and did pretty well for a while. Still have about 10 of those somewhere in the house in boxes, and about 20 of them around the house and for my kids to play with. And that doesn't include all the Target after holiday sales - buying all kinds of things i just don't need. I seem to have gotten that under control, but about a year ago I started a business in Slumber Parties (ladies only in home parties). I have been doing really well, makeing lots of money, but I invested way more than I should have to get started, so I haven't come close to making my money back. I won't go into the amount of debt i'm in, but it sure isn't pretty. The stress from that triggers the anxiety and the depression. Vicious cycle.

I'm sure there are more things, but it was mostly the fact that my mother has been ill most of my life, and I had dealt with anxiety and depression (never identified the mania. surprising?), and I was tired of not being able to function to the level that i felt I should around the house.

As for books, i can probably answer my own question. I think Jane Pauley has a book out. I read a book years ago written by a psychiatrist who was bipolar. It was very interesting. Can't remember the name. I am looking for first person accounts - so I can begin to recognize what I'm going through.

I think I may have answered your question about mania. Yes, I have had mania. I got hyperfocused on losing weight two years ago. People commented about how focused I was. Then I moved to exercise and was hyper focused on that. Then it was Slumber Parties. To the point that it became a joke about my focus of the moment and how I could re-lose the weight i gained back if I could just focus on it again.

I think it's to early to gauge the success of the lamictal. I'm at 125 mg on the way to 200. At 100, i was still terribly depressed, crying for no reason, overeating, exhausted and sleeping during the day. At 125 I was feeling better at the beginning of the week, and then not so good at the end of the week. Tomorrow I bump up to 150mg. We are working toward 200 and will see then.

After reading some of the posts here and some online articles, I'm expecting i'll need something in addition to the lamictal, like lexipro or welbutrin.

Rages...i've noticed a lessening over the past 1 1/2 yrs. I think the lexipro helped w/that. I still do every once in a while, but rarely now. And along the same lines, I was finally able to let go of all the emotion/anger that I've carried for years due to my mom's illness. So in some ways I'm better than I was. In other ways, I'm worse.

As for being open, I'm pretty much an open book. the psych said that might change w/the meds. I doubt it though because it's just who I am. I have always been outspoken about MI, and plan to continue. I volunteer for the local Mental Health Association doing fundraising. They've broached the subject of me joining their board. I'm not pursuing it actively, but do hope that it happens at some point. I've always expected I'd become an activist, just never knew when it would become a priority. I'm getting closer.

I think that's it. I'm a bit more lucid now than when I posted before. I was definitely not in a great place this morning.

Thanks again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 12:35pm

YEP! You're bipolar!!! LOL!

As for what it feels like...well, that's a hard question to answer too!!! My racing thoughts (which I always usually have)...most people, without BP, have a few thoughts swirling around in their head at any given time...well, I have I have about 20 or more and that's a low estimate, seriously. My brain never stops moving...thinking, analyzing...Unless I'm waaaaaaaaay overmedicated. Which happened the past couple of years. And let me tell you, I would much rather have my brain going a million miles a minute than be the zombie that I was.

I had a manic episode about a year and a half to two years ago...a REALLY manic episode, where I ended up so manic that I got psychotic. I also ended up in the ER, hallucinating, delusional...not lucid at all. So, I get to the psych ward in the hospital, and they of course prescribe some heavy duty meds for me, dx me with schizoaffective disorder and put me an antipsychotic. The antispyschotic helped...it stopped my mania in the blink of an eye, stopped the voices, the hallucinations, delusions...but started me on a path of being way too medicated. So, about 2 months ago, I went off all my meds and started over. I am now on Topamax and Cymbalta. I will NEVER be overmedicated again. It was absolutely horrible. Yes, I still cycle up and down some. I have TONS of anxiety, I take Ativan for that 2 times a day as needed and I've learned to BREATHE and just cope. I am working on a lot of issues in my life that I've needed to work on...things I totally messed up while I was manic and didn't know it. Trying to find out who Keli is again...not the manic Keli...but the REAL me...Its slow going...because I'm having to not allow myself to be triggered into getting sick again. I can't afford another big relapse. I've been in the hospital 4 times in the last 2.5 years. I'm taking every day as it comes and pushing my way through. I work full time, and have a teenage son. My mother is ill, and I'm having to start caretaking for her more now, which is really worrying me some. But I have no choice. I have to do it. So I have to do it. I'll just do it like I do everything else, day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute.

I too am very open, as you can probably tell from my posts. I just want my experiences to help anyone who they might.

I am just now able to function on a real level again. Its taken time and hard work. AND THE RIGHT MEDS. Not enough won't work, but too many just make you sicker.

I still get rages from time to time...but not like anything ever before. I recognize my triggers (so important) and I deal with them before they get out of hand, or I leave them where they are and deal with them when and if I can.

I still have a lot of guilt that I deal with...guilt for being sick...and I know I can't help it, didn't ask for it...but I've caused a lot of damage during the years because of my BP and I have to acknowledge that and either make it up, or move on.

I've made TONS of progress...good luck with the Lamictal...I got the "rash" so I couldn't take it...

Hugs,

Keli