How to describe moods to pdoc? poss trig

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Registered: 03-27-2003
How to describe moods to pdoc? poss trig
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 9:47pm

Hi again...hope it's OK for me to ask another question. I've been basically miserable the last two weeks or so...lately both physically and emotionally (migraines, stomach problems, etc). I have an appointment with my pdoc tomorrow, and I'd been counting down the days, hoping that there was some way she could help me get out of this deep depression (even though I'm doubtful because I've tried so many meds already).

But today I had something good happen...an interview I had to do for school went well... and for a few hours, I felt on top of the world...even though my weekly migraine had set in, I went and exercised (when I haven't had the energy to exercise for a while, especially since I've had trouble eating much of anything) and went out of my way to be social...up until then, I have been wanting to get as far away from people as possible (which I know is bad...I don't even feel like making the effort to be social).

And now it's evening again, and I guess the good feeling has worn off...I'm back to finding any excuse as a possible reason that I shouldn't be alive. For example, I stopped by an art and poetry exhibit earlier in the day...and since I can't write well and no longer have any inspiration for the photography I used to do, I feel like I am a waste of a person. Then I read someone's description of her interests on another board here, and I have almost identical ones...makes me feel like there is no need for me to exist, then (guess this could come from being a twin and feeling like I am "redundant.")

I know this must sound silly...and I'm sure that this is not actual bipolar cycling, just my mood reacting to the events of the day. But now I'm a little confused about what to tell my pdoc tomorrow...I mean, of course I will be honest, but...I guess I am wondering what there even is to treat...am I truly depressed, or am I bringing this on myself, or am I just a normal person with a mood that changes throughout the day? Today was the first time in several weeks that I've felt even slightly happy, though.

At our last visit, my pdoc talked with me about my childhood (ugh) and concluded that I need to work on feeling anger instead of turning it inward (which other therapists have said before). She said I could think about meds, but for now we'd work on these issues. I just don't care anymore...I'm so sick of it all (especially discussing how I've always felt like "second best" because I'm a twin).

Although I definitely like this pdoc more than my last one, I'm not sure whether her style is better for me...my former pdoc focused almost completely on meds and how school is going, while this one seems to want to talk more about my past, etc.

I kind of feel like what I say at my appointment tomorrow will determine what (if any) new meds my pdoc will try...and I feel like I can't even rely on myself to give a good account of what has been happening. If I say I've been really depressed, she may put me on another antidepressant...but then what was it earlier today when I felt like I wanted to hug everyone I met and like nothing could go wrong?

Plus I may have to go see my regular doctor about my migraines...I've been getting them every week like clockwork...and I don't want to add any more meds than is absolutely necessary. So I don't even know what use it will be to see the pdoc about meds if I'm not sure I want them or need them or can deal with the side effects...ugh, I'm just so confused and tired of it all.

Sorry for this rant...I'm sure I'll feel differently in a few hours, if the pattern continues! :(

Rose

Edit: It's now Friday night...I had my appointment earlier today. It didn't go especially well...somehow I think I'd hoped she would have some "magic" words or medication to help me get through this. I'm feeling really hopeless now.




Edited 11/20/2004 12:38 am ET ET by rosa444