triggers! which way now?
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| Fri, 11-19-2004 - 1:15pm |
Up, down, all around?
Hi! I'm back, but with a new name. I believe you guys that you can't, and wouldn't look me up. But I'm paranoid about anyone that I know tracking me down and seeing what I post. I know it's stupid, but I can't get it out of my head that someone in my "real" life would do that. Not that anyone would care to, but it just bugged me too much.
So duckduck is no more. That was the name of my pet duck that I lost in the divorce, and in selling our house. Sigh. She was the sweetest, funniest duck ever. Poor thing. Anyway, anyone that knew Duckduck, and was "spying" on me would know it was me. Stupid, I know, but there it is.
So here's the thing... I was having such a bad time lately, either despite or because of the Paxil, I quit taking it on Wed. I think if I stop, and wait a couple of weeks, and start taking it again, I'll feel good again, like I did when I was put on it back in July.
I'm ashamed to admit it, and it seems dumb to me during the day, but at night, I can stop the SI, but it makes sense then. I havent' sleep more than 2-3 hours for a week, and have no appetite. I haven't eat since Mon. except when I have to so sweet bf doesn't get suspicious, and run away scared for his life. Everything is getting on my nerves too. BF didn't offer to bring me coffee at work today, and I just wanted to be so mean to him. Lucky, I knew to hang up quick before anything bad happened. I have to play music ALL the time, or every sound drives me batty - everything seems so friggin loud. Hopefully this trick wwith the meds will work, and fast, cuz I feel like I'm cracking up.
I want to wait until I get my own insurance in March to see a tdoc, because I don't want to get used to one and then have to change when I get thrown off of my STBXH's insurance. I have a hard enough time getting myself to a tdoc, without having to meet 2 w/in a few months. I have SAD too, and meeting someone new is hell.
Now the weekend is coming up. I used to love the weekend. But there's no work to force me to keep going. And I need something that's going to snap me back to being well again.
Hope everyone is doing well. Maybe next time I post, I'll be telling you about how awesome I feel. Later!

Sweety, I hate to tell you, but I have strong doubts about this "trick" with your med working. In fact, it could backfire on you. Some people have had problems with meds that they have started and stopped completely not working for them at all.
If you have a pdoc, you need to call them RIGHT NOW. You are in a very bad place and there are things they can do to help you. If not, I would strongly recommend calling a crisis center or help line.
Keep posting as you need, we are all here to help you.
Hugs
Tracey
Sorry about that, if I offended anyone. I guess I posted a bad word about my almost XH, and got deleted. I was ranting about my insurance. When I called today to ask, the ins co. said they can't change my address because he's the primary. If I give in a go to the pdoc, he might find out. And I'm sure he'll be very proud of it too. I can just picture him now, so smug thinking how he was teh only one keeping me together, and he always knew I was weak, and how I can't think or do anything for myself.
I had a raging meltdown at work today. So I called a new pdoc office, to get some info, and maybe set up an appt. I hesitated for a second on the phone, because I couldn't say what I wanted to say. And I thought the office girl on the phone gave me an attitude. So I hung up. I'm sure I was being oversensitve, but I still get mad thinking about her stupid happy voice, and how she probably laughs at all teh patients that are tehre because they need help.
I tried 2 things today. Not bad. Not good either, since neither were successful. Maybe I'll be able to sleep some tonight with a few beers in me. Then I'll handle things better tomorrow. But I'm not feeling like I'm in a good place. I just want to get away. I just don't feel up to the fight. I can't believe I was actually on a nice high just a couple months back.
Sometimes I wish I lived far away from my friends and family. Then I could just be this way, and not feel any more guilt, or have anybody telling me how stupid I am, because I'm fine! and how I *always* perceived things different than they *really* were. My whole life, my family has called me by my BP aunt's name, as an insult, implying that she was some sort of freak. and chose to be like this, so I should stop acting like her. They really think I decided to be this way.
Your message probably didn't get deleted because of offending anyone, but if you put any type of swear word in your email with a different character substituted for a letter, they delete the message :) Just an FYI.
VERY IMPORTANT: You NEED to stop self-medicating with alcohol. Yes, for a little bit you feel good and it helps you sleep but it is a vicious cycle because the alcohol is a natural depressant and it is making you more depressed over all!!!!!!
One thing I would make my mind up about is not to care what your XH thinks about you going to a pdoc. If he thinks that he was the only things keeping you together, and says anything to you about it, have a very POLITE response ready. That was the hardest thing for me when my dd's dad and I broke up...always be polite. It makes them crazy plus keeps the fighting at a minimum.
When I am depressed, and I think others will agree, I get paranoid about other people a lot - so I may have thought the same thing about the girl at the pdoc's office. BUT, she gets paid to sound happy on the phone, even if she feels as crummy as you do! :) Try to picture that next time you call if it bothers you.
Seeing a pdoc is SUCH a common thing today, that I am sure the staff at the pdoc's office doesn't spend a lot of time laughing at the patients. First of all, any GOOD pdoc wouldn't allow staff like that to work for them.
PLEASE call the pdoc back and make an appointment!!! Being on a nice high always scares me because I know what goes up must come down - as you are now experiencing. It's horrible and you NEED to get the proper treatment for it. You cannot delay. If you were having severe chest pains, would you wait before going to see your dr, or the hospital?? This is no less serious.
I can understand what you mean about your family and wishing you lived far away from them - I use to actually look for jobs and apartments in other states just for that reason. But when I had my major meltdown (or should I say meltup - I was SEVERELY manic/psychotic) it was my family that came to my rescue. Reach out to them if you have any good relationships with them at all - or even if they are so-so relationships. I found out later that most of them could tell something was wrong with me but they didn't know what to do or how to help me. It took me going to my sister and my mom and telling them that I was in bad shape and had set up and appt and needed help for them to mobilize and support me the way I needed. Sometimes I had to correct them on things and straighten them out (mom especially goes over the top!) but we are all closer then ever now. Obviously, your family doesn't understand the illness at all - and there are ways of educating them.
Take care and be so very careful! If you get in too bad of a place PLEASE call a crisis center or hotline!!!!
Tracey
Okay, "Ducky"--
Hi, and thanks for all your help.
Trigger ahead...
After a weekend from hell, I called the pdoc back first thing this morning. They told me to come in today at 5. After an incident with a razor yesterday, I decided should listen to you guys while I still can and try calling again.
Thansk for everything. I'll keep you posted.
BTW, my name... Beth :)
TRIGGERS AHEAD!!!!! If you're not safe, don't read.
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Hey Beth! I'm so glad you called your pdoc and you're going in today. I've "played" with razors before and its really dangerous...especially dangerous when you're not stable. Believe me. If you wanna talk more about it, or SI, just let me know...just be sure to put TRIGGERS in your post, because we have a couple people not doing so well and they don't need to read about SI stuff.
I really am proud of you for calling your pdoc. That takes a lot of courage. Hang in there.
Hugs, and PLEASE STAY SAFE! Keep me posted on what your pdoc says/does.
Keli