Desperately Needing Help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Desperately Needing Help!
4
Sat, 11-20-2004 - 4:18am

I don’t even really know where to start, but I’ll try to keep this short.

Background on me: I’m 20, I’m from Tennessee but I go to college in Alabama, I’m studying Biology, and I would like to be a pediatrician, given that all works out and I make it into Medical School. :-)

My mom, I suspect, has bipolar disorder. I think I remember her telling me once that she was manic-depressive. Anyway, about 9 months ago I started dating J, and he is wonderful. I met him summer ’02, and my parents liked him being around me as he is a mature influence on what I do. About 2 months into the relationship, my mother started disapproving, although nothing had changed with him; she started saying hurtful things about J, which I took as personal attacks on ME, and her personality started to change, well, to become drastic enough to where I noticed it. This summer, she wouldn’t let me drive to his house, insisting that if he wanted to see me so bad, he would have to drive to pick me up, no matter how out of the way it was, and then other times, it was completely fine. She told me that he really didn’t love me, that it is just lust, and he is just telling me that for no reason. She then said, “if you want to marry him, then this next year won’t be too bad...” The list goes on and on, but you get it... Basically, she doesn’t approve of anything I do, and she is extremely critical of everything, in addition to being unwilling to see my side of ANYTHING. When I tried to express that her condescending words were making my self-esteem go down, she started berating me, saying that “you only feel that way because you allow yourself to feel that way.” No, you are talking to me like I’m 8, like I’m ignorant. All of these words would be said within hours of each other, switching back and forth from different “moods.”

During this time, she would have “nice mommy” days, and “mean mommy” days, as elementary as I make that sound, it’s the only way I can put it into words. I came back to college and she suggested that I see a counselor (which I had already planned on). Well, now that I am, she doesn’t understand why. When I tell her that it’s because of HER and how she treats me, she doesn’t understand that and blames the reason for me *needing* a psychologist on my bf. I didn’t call them for 2 days once, so she sent the campus police in search of me.

Now, the nice/mean mommy times are more often. I talked to her on Tuesday, for example, she was nice, and we talked about Thanksgiving. Later that night, she sent me a nasty e-mail stating all the things I’ve done wrong recently, how I’m going down a slippery slope, and how she tells me these things because she loves me. I am too scared to call anymore because I’m scared that mean mommy will answer the phone, and I’ll get yelled at for nothing. The entire semester has been spent crying, talking, or getting therapy because of HER, not because of any other aspect of my busy life, but she makes me feel like the scum of the world. I also don’t know how to cope with her as I never know who I’m talking to, as in I can’t tell if she’s being nice or not when we’re on the phone.

My questions are: 1. How do you *know* that someone has bipolar disorder? Aren’t these the classic signs, the moodiness, not knowing who is answering the phone...? 2. How do you LIVE with someone who has it? I mean, it’s obviously affecting my life so much so that I see a psychologist every 2 weeks, and I’m on her “emergency list” now. It’s making a negative impact on my life, it’s hurting me more than anything, so how do *I*, the child, cope with a mom who can’t and/or won’t admit to herself or us that she has this? Even if she figured it out, she wouldn’t get help, like meds.

I just am desperate right now, and seeing as I love these boards, I found this one in hopes that I can get some answers...

-Lauren

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2004
Sat, 11-20-2004 - 8:34am

Hi Lauren -


Many hugs to you, because you sound like you need them!


I'm glad to hear you are getting counseling for yourself, because having a family member with a mental illness can be overwhelming. My life partner had Bipolar Disorder. She was also an alcoholic, so I found support in Al-Anon but never looked for support for the Bipolar Disorder, because I didn't even recognize it for what it was. You have, which is the first step.


There is support for families of people with mental illness out there. One is NAMI - National Alliance for the Mentally Ill. They have there own website with a directory of meetings in every state. You may want to check it out and see where the closest one is - they have support groups for families. Additionally, the DBSA - Depression Bipolar Support Alliance, has a website and although it has a lot of support groups for people with depresesion and bipolar disease, I know that the chapters in my area often have sessions for family members as well. It is also a source of information about Bipolar Disorder. Finally, did you check out the iVillage Message Board "Families and Mental Illness"? It may be a great resource to find women who have gone through exactly what you are going through now. Your counselor may also have information about local support groups that you may benefit from.


Finally, are you parents together or apart? It sounded like your mom is on her own, but if your dad is involved, then maybe the two of you together could attempt an intervention for her to get help for yourself. I strongly recommend that you don't do it by yourself. If your dad is not an option, are there any other family members (siblinigs, aunts, uncles on her side, etc) that can help you?


Glad you found us! Let me know how you are doing? I have Bipolar Type II but it is nowhere as severe as my life partner's was (she passed away four years ago), so I can identify with how you feel/

peace and love,


just_a_big_kid


Sue

peace and love,

just_a_big_kid

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Sat, 11-20-2004 - 1:19pm

Lauren:

The hardest part of someone you care about being bp is that if they don't want to be treated for it, you can only force them for so long.

Very possibly the BP is what is causing your nice/mean mommy from acting up. However, there could be a lot of other things making her change so drastically like this. The first thing that came to mind for me was menopause - when my mother went through her's she was HORRID. She even admitted to us that sometimes she would open her mouth to say one thing and all these awful things would come out instead. So she would go to apologize and explain herself and instead more horrible things would come out. There could be other medical explanations for it too.

As Sue said, if your parents are still together, I would talk with your dad (or if there is anyone else home with her) and see if you can work together to get her to her dr for a physical. Or, perhaps someone else has some insight. Maybe part of it is that she is realizing that her little girl is growing up and it terrifies her. I don't know.

Good luck - and please post here as much as you need! We'll all try to help!
Tracey

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Sat, 11-20-2004 - 3:02pm

Thanks for your responses! And thanks for the names of support groups. I’m going to look into those ASAP. I don’t understand how people can handle things like this, but, there’s got to be a way. I also posted up on the “Families and Mental Illness” board, so there’s a board for everything around here, isn’t there?!

My parents are still together, albeit, I don’t know how my dad can handle my mom, honestly. But, his personality is to just let things slide and ignore them, to sort of keep on the edge of the wall and not say much about the situation until it blows over. Is it a good idea to talk to my dad about this, even though I think he’s on her side? My dad and brother can’t see what she’s doing. They too think I’m headed down a path of destruction, and I’m setting myself up for a life of misery and pain, whereas I think I’m doing all the “right” things with my life. I’m doing what I’ve sort of been told to do, go to school, be smart as anything, do “right” and “good” things, but it’s gotten me to this point, so I’m sick of being the “good” one. You know, I just got into a huge situation with my roommate because I decided to be nice to her and let her get away with things, and you know what? She turned her back right on me, and now I have to pay $50. Why? The nice guy finishes last, and I really don’t think that, but gees, I try so hard to get nowhere, it seems.

My mom’s sister thinks my mom is just “looking out for me, she knows what’s best,” but there’s a point where concern meets overbearing and one has to decided whether or not to cross that line. My mom has. It makes me so sad, but it’s like I just can’t do anything right anymore. You know, I just talked to my mom, and I have no idea what she was talking about, something about movies, but really, I can’t ever tell who is going to answer the phone. I’m scared to call. My counselor suggested that I only see my mother 1 time a semester, so I’m definitely never wanting to move back home, ever, at least not if it’s going to be like this.

I can’t make her see anyone, as she’s done that before, but now believes that God will heal her of everything. I think she needs to at least see a psychologist, if not a psychiatrist, just to see what they have to say about it. But, I can’t suggest that to her because she’ll say something like, “that’s what your stupid psychologist said, isn’t it?” I don’t think it’s menopause as she’s younger that most of my friend’s moms, 44yo. She might be perimenopausal though, so I’ve looked into that. Being that I want to be a Dr, I want to look these things up and understand them, it’s my investigative personality I suppose, but I just want to understand what the problem is. I feel like she’s got problem A (we’ll just say a general mental illness), but she’s taking it out on child A (me) and child A’s bf, because that’s what she thinks is right. I think she realizes I’m growing up, but she can’t stop me at 20 from making my own decisions. I mean, I live 3 hours away from her, but she is still so controlling.

Ok, I think that’s it. Thanks again so much for everything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Sat, 11-20-2004 - 11:36pm

Lauren,


The two groups Sue mentioned are wonderful and great sources of info--their websites are www.nami.org