Suicide On My Mind!!!!
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| Sat, 11-20-2004 - 8:51am |
Hi everyone.... I'm new here but should've been here a long time ago. I'm bipolar and need help and suggestions badly!!!!
Here's my background: My mom started out as a homemaker. She started working when I was about 8. By the time I was 10 my parents divorced . My mom gained her independence and left my dad. I watched him crumble. My brother and I lived with mom but saw dad on the holidays and summer vacations. Dad always said "I never should've let your mom work...we'd still be together." Later on (about 3 years) my dad meet his next wife andshe worked. Again my dad was left. About 2 years later he meet his current wife and they have been happy for gosh about 13 years now. She DOES NOT work and there relationship is great!
Now mom never married again. This is her story: She started woking at bar rooms at nights. My brother and I was always home alone since I was 10 and he was 9. Those years of my life was hard....I watched her "try" to remain independent. I watched what can happen to single women . She was used and abused by men. Her boyfriends sucked. Either using her for sex or hurting her...one beat on her. She did get a better job later on. She worked at General Motors. Money was good but she got worse. She was always complaining about how tried she was. She took it out on my brother and I alot. She was always screaming at us about how we didn't appreciate her, and she's hit on us. The b/fs never got better either. One day she slipped on an air hose. She hurt her back badly and couldn't work. Everything down hill then......she ended up killing herself.
My Story: I was an aspiring model at the age of 16. By the time I was 18 is when my mom couldn't work anymore and I was still trying to model. I meet an older man who was a photographer. He wanted me to marry him. I did. I didn't want to ....but mom and I needed a place to live. We were evicited form the house she was buying. (My brother moved in with my dad). I was a homemaker in this so called marriage. It wasn't a real marriage; he and I knew it was just "arrangement" for living. My mom lived with us until one day I couldn't take her always screaming.....my brother got on his feet and moved back to the city that we were living in....so I kicked mom out and she went to my brother. I remained married - got used to it. I was getting to where I wanted to leave and badly!!! My brother got to where he couldn't handle mom either and threatened to kick her out on the streets....she commited suicide. I then got divorced .
I moved in with my dad and his current wife. Lived with them for about 1 1/2 years. I tried working off and on. Then I meet the man of my dreams-----WOW! I worked with him in his business......Bromeliads. How I love the plants. And our job took us to Mexico and Costa Rica!!! We always traveled. He opened up a new world for me. God how I love him. Then I caught him cheating on me. I was crushed, hurt and angry yet so in love. I stayed longer. During that time he broke my arm and didn't mind slapping me around. He started his lying and cheating again. After 5 years of happiness and pain I left him. Basically a confused housewife that worked with her man. I endend up back at my dad's. I started seening a mental health doctor and he put me on meds and said to say at dad's until I get better. For 2 year I've not the desire to meet a new man. I cried and pined my heart out for my old b/f. Then out of the blue he calls...wanting to get back with me. We tried it for 2 months. It didn't work out.
Now for the rest of the story: I'm 32... and living with dad and his wife (my bestfriend). My ex is 41. He was living with a woman and called me and said he wanted us to get back together. A few days later he called an said "come and get me". We did. He moved in with my family and I. He didn't have a vechile and was borrowing my step-moms. My dad loaned him the money to get a van. While here...all he did was to bitch at me. I have imsomina bad and I'm bipolar. He knows this from our 1st time. He bitched at me for that. He's other girlfriend called here and he'd talk to her in priviate. He could see my emails but I wasn't allowed to see his. No matter what I did it wasn't right. So he left after 2 months. Oh yea, he didn't want me talking to my stepmom either. He told me he hated her.....who knows why. I'm still in love with him.
Now here I am 32 confused and scared. I'm lonely and depressed. All I know is how to be a housewife. I'm trying the date lines. I've meet a handful of men who knows my situation and undersands...they haven't a problem with homemakers. Most prefer working women. I'm afraid. Never really worked before. What work I have done I hated and quit in no time. I did enjoy working for myself (well, with my ex). I think about doing the plants again and having my own business. But it reminds me of him.
I think of suicide now......what is the meaning of life - my life? None! I'm afraid to step out on my own. Never came even close to it. Have you ladies ever seen such a panty- waste? Such a waste in a life? HELP ME!!!!! Please any comments or suggestions may help me. Do I try to meet the guys on the date lines? I'm in love with my ex - how do I get over him? Work - afraid to "get out on my own!!" Still seeing my doc....he laughs at me. I've never had a doc to laugh at me. I miss my old doctor.
Suicide is on my mind - STRONGLY!!!!!
StormyMoon

Stormy:
First of all, if you are in any danger of hurting yourself, you need to get immediate help from a crisis center or your pdoc if you have one. Call a suicide prevention line if you need to. There is a lot of help out there for you.
Now: the "single woman" life you saw your mom leading is NOT the only reality out there for a single woman. You do NOT need a man in your life to make you complete.
As for these "men" (I use the term loosely for ANY "man" that hits a woman) that you have been married/involved with...I think you need to cut ties with all of them immediately!! Nothing good will come to you out of your contact with them. These are users and abusers. Even the ex-bf that you said was so good to you - you also said broke your arm and hit you at times. That is NOT being treated well. A REAL man in a good relationship will cherish you and treat you like the wonderful person that YOU ARE!
You have an exceptional opportunity in front of you. As soon as you can get stable, and past this depressive episode (call your pdoc!! - are you taking meds?) you have a WHOLE world of options available to you. Yes, right now you may be limited in your training. But, you should qualify for extensive financial aid to go to school. You obviously loved working with plants - try to get some further education in that field, and you can make a career of it.
Take care of YOU. That should be your number 1 priority right now. You are not responsible for the actions of your mother or father from the past. Once you get yourself back on your feet, THEN you can start looking into dating. But I have found, from my own personal experience, that if you are not stable it is almost impossible to find a stable relationship.
PLEASE!!!!! Call your pdoc or a suicide line or a crisis center or just go to your dad and step-mom and tell them I NEED HELP!!!! You have WAY too much life ahead of you to give up! And there are some beautiful things in life you have never seen!
Keep posting as you need to, we'll all be here for you!
Tracey
StormyMoon,
First off, I'm glad you found us--this is a great group of folks and a WONDERFUL place of support (but tends to be a bit quiet on weekends)!
If you are feeling even slightly suicidal--call your pdoc, even if his office is closed they should have something in place for after hour emergencies--and continuing thoughts of suicide is an emergency.