Safer, still triggs though
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| Tue, 11-23-2004 - 11:12pm |
Triggers cont'd...
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Hi all you wonderful people...
I sure wish my posts didn't have to come with trig warnings. How do you guys find it in you to help me out, when you're dealing with your own illnesses, problems and holidays? I can't even be there for me. I want to give you all a big hug. You're all so incredible, and I've never felt so much support and understanding in my whole life.
I'm sorry that I haven't done more for myself than I hvae. I just don't hve the support here to go to the ER. This monring I called the pdoc. But all 3 were out today, and only one will be in Wed & Fri. I told them if I can get in, call ASAP.
And then I called my SIL and blubbered about what a mess I am. She's the only one I trust in my family, and I'm at her place right now. I going to stay with her until I feel safer. She also had a chat with my mom, and is trying to get her to understand a few things. Things like, telling me that I'm weak and need to get over myself are NOT HELPFUL! Thanks mom. I'll keep that in mind next time I'm holding a razor to my leg.
So my wonderful SIL came to the rescue and here I am. I was really scared. This is worst I've felt probably ever. I hope nobody minds me writing about it. Last night was pure hell, and I didn't handle it very good. Promises were broken, and I'll have the scars to shame me forever. But today's another day. I think I'll be ok here, SIL's keeping a close eye on me. She sent my brother to his buddy's with the beer that was in their fridge. No self-medicating with beer tonight. It's safe here. Besides, how could I do anything to myself with my wonderful neice here (1 1/2 yr old cutie).
AFter meeting my new tdoc yesterday, I felt so vulnerable. I always do after a 1st meeting. But this feels so strange, I have this awful physical sensation of actually being empty. Not metaphorically either, but not really hallicinating I don't think. I don't know what it is. Putting on extra layers of clothes and holding myself really tight can't get it to go away. As if instead of therapy, it was surgery and they stole my guts. I feel violated.
What a day. I got sent home on a long weekend from work, which means 5 more days that I'll get to keep my job. I actually screamed at a guy with MS today because he lost a phone call on me. OMG I'm so horrible. I'm so ashamed of myself. And big surprise, my boss called me in for "the talk". Guess my breakdown hasn't gone unnoticed. He sent me home early to "get a good rest", and said to come back next week in a "better frame of mind". Ooooh, if only I could use a bad word here! I still have the scratches from digging my nails into myself so hard. It took every last ounce of willpower not to tell the guy what to do with himself. Really, don't know how I managed to hold onto it.
I'll keep you posted so you know I'm still here. But even if I'm lurking, please now how much I appreciate you all.
(((((Everybody!))))
--Beth
Edited 11/23/2004 11:16 pm ET ET by canyouhearmenow

Beth:
I am SO glad you are with your SIL and she is helping you. Just that one person can make a WORLD of difference. Plus, once you get stable you will be surprised at how easy it is to handle helping others like this. I'm just thankful that I am stable enough to be able to do so.
Please please please please please please please do not self-medicate with alcohol any more. I know it is easy to do it (did it myself for YEARS) but the downside is that the alcohol will depress you further. It will make a huge difference when you get the alcohol out of your system.
AH! "The Talk". How I hate those. BTDT unfortunately. I don't know how comfortable you are with your employer, but it would probably be a good thing to let them know that you are either 1. bp and having difficulty with it (if you are EXTREMELY comfortable with your boss and on REALLY good terms with him/her) or 2. having a medical problem which is causing you to have some emotional issues (something along those lines). Offer to provide them with the name of the physician you are working with (pdoc in this case, but don't have tell them that). I know it is hard when you are in the awful emotional place you are to maintain at work, so discuss options with your boss for methods to help you with stress. Can someone take on some of your duties temporarily? Can you have the understanding that if you are feeling on edge you are going to shut your door and turn off your phone for a short time. As long as you don't abuse it of course. A lot of times, your boss will work with you if you are communicating with them.
Keep taking care of yourself and stay safe PLEASE. If you get to a worse place again PLEASE have your SIL take you to the ER. It would be better then the alternative. I know it may be quiet the next few days because of Turkey Day (I will be gone through Saturday myself). Post as much as you need to!
{{HUGS}}
Tracey
Edited 11/24/2004 1:20 am ET ET by th305899
Hey Beth! I'm so glad you're safe right now...and you're so right...TODAY IS A NEW DAY! Tomorrow is gone and done with...let it go...move on with today and take it very slowly...I try to go through a half hour at a time, and on and on...
Ya know...you're going to make it...I know it! You're so strong, and you're willing, and you're hanging in there. I promise this will pass. I know the feelings you are describing SO well...the feelings of aloneness and vulnerability...like they stole your soul...that won't last either...
Hon...I probably won't get to check the board until maybe Saturday, so email me at kelisthabomb1@aol.com if you need me, or just want to scream, or vent, or talk...okay?
Remember, the razor is not your friend...LOL!
I care about you! Remember that too! That someone across the miles is thinking of you and caring about you and what happens to you, okay?
Get through the first half hour of today...and don't worry about the next one until its come.
Many Hugs!
Keli
((((((((Beth))))))))
Ditto what everyone else said. I am so glad that you picked up the phone and called your SIL. That's a big positive step! Hey, even though I saw my pdoc yesterday, I've already called him twice this morning about how bad I'm feeling and could we please change the plan of tweeking the meds until I get back? (he said yes - I love the man!). I'm nervoud about going out and seeing my family because they'sve never seen me this way - maybe it's tiime they do!
Honey, when you are feeling better, you can reach out to others. Just take care of yourself first. It's not selfish. I actually feel better when I post a reply to someone because it gets me out of my head and let's me know I'm not alone in this battle!
I will be checking in on the board regularly over the next 4 days, so post away if you need to just get stuff off your chest. OK?
peace and love,
just_a_big_kid
Sue
peace and love,
just_a_big_kid
Beth,
It took a lot of strength and courage to call your SiL--I'm glad she's there for you and hope she will be able to get through enough to your mom so she'll be more supportive.
Therapy CAN be gut-wrenching and opening up to someone new, even more so.