Hi, New Here and Need to be Here
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Hi, New Here and Need to be Here
| Thu, 11-25-2004 - 8:20pm |
My psychiatrist never really comes out and says whether I'm bipolar or not. She will give me bipolar medication at times but if I come right out and ask her, she says, "well, if you are, it's to a very mild degree. A lot of other problems mimic BD." Well, in the last while, I know that I cannot deny nor ignore this problem anymore. I bought a house in April and thought I had a perfect way of paying off credit card balances and ordered so much stuff, I think it came close to $10,000.00 In my mind, I was never happier and I thought, "wow! This is great! I can have anything I want and not have to worry about it." Clearly, I was manic. My aunt is bipolar and she also had a major problem with spending. One day I came home and out of the clear blue, I became furious at some small insignificant thing I read on a message board. I started to go bezerk! I didn't even know why I was so angry but I started typing in such a way that I was pounding the keys with anger I couldn't control. I got distracted and then calmed down and did not post what I was going to write but it was clear to me that I was out of control. I just went back to teaching full-time in September and have had a lot of stress - major stress and problems with some other colleagues. I had an argument with a principal, left and went home and slept for four days on the couch. Sometimes I'm paranoid and I've been diagnosed with Major Depression but I am sure I am bipolar too. I've also got Generalized Anxiety Disorder, borderline personality disorder, avoidant personality disorder and dependent personality disorder. I have recovered from eating disorders. What a freakin mess is that!!! I have scared away all of my friends who can't deal with my ups and downs and my rage. I am embarrassed that I have been talked about ( and I do know this for sure) and so full of shame it just sickens me. How do I ever expect to live a normal life? I go to work (or at least did), come home and eat, check my email and am asleep by 6:30 or 7:00. I never go anywhere. I am divorced because of an alcoholic abusive husband and lost my chance at motherhood. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to in life. People say, "when you retire you can travel" but with who? I have no friends! I just can't look for another man right now. I can't have kids now anyway so I'm not that motivated. Anyway, I just can't help but hate myself and wonder if one day I will get myself into big trouble with my angry outbursts. It doesn't seem to matter how "high up" the ladder the person is - if I'm mad, I'll take a strip off of them. Suggestions? I feel like I have nothing to look forward to. My mom and dad are elderly and are going to die. My mom is my best and only friend and I am going to lose her. Then I will have nothing. I honestly don't think I'll survive her death. I just have no reason to live besides her. Yes I am a teacher but it's not the same thing. It doesn't make me anyone's mother or friend. I am really, really scared.

Welcome to the board, I'm glad you found us, I think you'll find this is a great group and a wonderful place of support.
Have you been seeing your pdoc long?
Hey there and welcome...I'm so glad you're here...we'll be your friends...I, too, lost most of my friends, and like Marci said...I don't have many now...and all of them are Bipolar...they are the only ones who understand me and can relate to my "craziness". I do work, but a lot of nights, I'm asleep by 8:00 too...I don't do much outside of my house, other than work...but I've come to realize this may be MY NORMAL...my normal doesn't have to be what everyone else's is...
I will admit it that I hate being BP. But it can be lived with...
I'd like to know also, if you don't mind, what meds you are on, how long, etc. I was dx'ed with BP, Borderline, Schizoaffective Disorder (just psychosis after a VERY manic epiisode), Anxiety Disorder, Addictive Personality Disorder and Eating Disorders...WOW, huh? I don't accept all these dx'es though...I am me...for all that's worth...I'm on a good medicine for depression right now, which was REALLY plaguing me horribly, its Cymbalta...and I also take Topamax for mood stability...and Ativan as needed for anxiety. I'm more stable now and happier than I've been in a long time...you can be too, I promise.
I am also dealing with my mom's imminent death...she is only 53 years old...and quite possibly the only woman IRL that I talk to every day...Like Marci, when she goes, her/my faith will sustain me...my comfort is that she suffers every day, and I don't want her to suffer anymore...hers is a SLOW illness too...Diabetes, severe Diabetes...
Anyway, I'm glad you're here...we're here for you!
Hugs,
Keli