Not a good time. Triggers
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| Thu, 11-25-2004 - 9:04pm |
This is one of the worst days of my life. My family really believes I'm mental, and I can't keep myself composed for anything or anybody. Living 1/2 hr at a time has turned into 5 minutes at a time, crying, panic attacks, you name it. I've got this awful buzzing sound and jerking in my head. It sounds like being in a best buy or circuit city with all the tv's buzzing in your ear and feels like someone keeps flipping the channel. I don't know if it's withdrawal from my AD, not eating (down 10 lbs.), or sleep deprivation because I haven't slept more than 2-3 hrs/night for over 2 weeks, or if I'm getting psychotic. Staying with SiL again tonight, so no worries about me doing anything bad tonight, besides, I already did bad stuff today, and it didn't make me feel better for very long. On Thanksgiving even, how pathetic is that.
On top of it all, now I feel guilty for bringing everybody down on Thanksgiving. Every day before, my mom and I cook and bake all day, it's just the two of us, a tradition. I burnt all the onions so she had to go out and buy more, made pumpkin pie but forgot the eggs, and smashed her favorite fruit bowl into smitherenes, by accident of course. I can't stop thinking that there are only so many more times I'll have days like that with my mom, and for all I know, god forbid, this might be the last one, and there I go, spending it too depressed to enjoy it, or to be around, wondering why can't I just snap out of this, even if it's for these 2 days. Marci, thank you... I can't even tell you how much that snowball and snow angel meant.
Today if it weren't for my niece being a cute little distraction, I think I'd be in the hospital right now. I couldn't even look at the food today, and I've always loved thanksgiving dinner. It's still going to be a looong night. I'm going to the tdoc tomorrow, I feel like this week has been 10 wks long already. Maybe she'll get me into the pdoc before saturday, or have me locked up, which is sounding not so bad right now. It sounds nuts, but I can't go away, because I don't want my parents to go thru my stuff if I'm not here, so each time it gets just too hard to bear it anymore, I just swallow real hard and imagine it all being pushed back down. I try to think of the relief taht is on the way, but I hate to think what will happen if the pdoc doesn't/won't help me.
Anyway, since it is the holiday... I thankful for my neice, and my SiL, she's trying so hard. My bf, who came by just to sit with me, even though he worked all night, and he didn't care that I couldn't go with him to visit his family today. And for you guys, and snow angels.
--Beth
Edited 11/25/2004 9:07 pm ET ET by canyouhearmenow

Beth,
Sweetie, don't be so hard on yourself!
Hey Beth...how are you feeling today hon? I am really sorry I wasn't around yesterday...I barely made it through Thanksgiving on my own, but I did and I"m here for you...I'll check back in later...I'm glad you're still safe, but am concerned about the "buzzing" sensation you're having...it was always a precursor for me being psychotic...I understand very much your concerns about going to the hospital, but if your pdoc or tdoc or whomever recommends it, please go! Let them help you, okay?
LOVE and Hugs!
Keli
It's 3:00 and all is weeeelllll......
Actually, all is not well......
What am I doing here?????
At 3:00 in the moooorning.....
Remember when Snoopy ran away to get married to a poodle, and Charlie Brown had to fill in as the "watchdog" for Peppermint Patty? Too funny.
Whatever. I'm tired, and it's late.
My tdoc called out sick. NOBODY calls out "real" sick on Black Friday, they call out "want to go shopping" sick. Feel like I've waited forever for this appt, but it's only been since Monday. But when it's the longest week ever... and without sleep, then the week gets doubled in duration. Pdoc tomorrow, tdoc not until Tues now.
I'm kinda getting used to the TV buzzing in my head. The "flipping channels" feeling is pretty disconcerting though. Maybe my brain is taking little second naps, but if my brain is so tired, why won't it let me sleep? That's just not common sense. If you're a brain, and you know that in order to stay sane and alive, you need sleep, then why won't you just go to sleep? Afterall, your brain's in charge of what your body does, right?
That's my biggest complaint for today. Tired, and my brain won't cooperate with it. And I'm having a tough time keeping track of stuff. i.e., I think I had a converstaion with someone. Later, I'd refer to something they or I had said, and it turns out that conversation never took place. After it happened more than just a couple times I got self-conscious and stopped talking. Oh, and once out of the blue I started looking for my watch, asking if they knew where I put it, and looking under stuff. And my bro said, um... duh? You're wearing it. How embarrassing.
I'm not sure if I believe it, but mom said that she didn't mean it when she said I am weak. And if it takes therapy and meds for the rest of my life, she understands, and there's nothing wrong or shameful about it, it's just who I am. She told me a bit more about my family and how it's not just my BP aunt that had/has a mental illness. Just on her side, try 2 more of her sisters, and her mother. My mom's got fibromyalgia. I'm don't know much about it, but one thing I read was that serotonin may have something to do with that too. So it does help a bit with her knowing, and trying (?) to understand. Meanwhile I am getting the ultimate guilt trip from her saying that she's sorry that they can't make me happy on the holiday.
Despite my reservations, I'm mentioning some of the freaky feelings to her and my SiL, so they know how bad I feel and can prepare themselves, or in mom's case, deny it. The only relief I seem to get now is by venting on this board. I didn't tell them about SIing, which I can't seem to stop or get out of my head. Keli, how did you quit it? I'm all jacked up and want to stop, now!
Wish me luck with the pdoc tomorrow, and hope he doesn't catch the shopping bug too.
--Beth
Edited 11/27/2004 3:07 am ET ET by canyouhearmenow
Hey Beth!!! I know so how you feel...I've been up at 3, 4, 5, in the morning, just thinking, not thinking, EVERYTHING...lol. And the brain IS a funny thing, isn't it? If you think TOO much about it, WOW!
Much luck with pdoc tomorrow...post and let me know the deal, okay?
Love,
Keli