Quick question about friends...
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| Mon, 11-29-2004 - 6:44pm |
Hi again, I was reading the replies to a post here and noticed several mentions of how hard it can be for people with bipolar to keep friends. My story in a nutshell...I haven't been definitively diagnosed as bipolar, but it's been strongly suggested several times (type II), and one doctor put me on lithium for a while.
The posts I read made me think of something a fellow med student said to me a while ago. We had talked a good bit when we first met, but later on I became depressed and less talkative, and since then she's seemed to avoid me totally. At one point during my depression, though, we were chatting, and she told me that she thought I'd decided I didn't like her because I was so upbeat and talkative at first and later seemed to ignore her.
I felt so bad when she said that...I tried to explain it (badly) by saying that I'm generally kind of quiet, but I had tried to be more talkative at the start of school in order to meet people...that it had nothing to do with her in particular, and that I still wanted to hang out with her. But to no avail...she still barely responds when I say hi to her or try to make conversation.
So that's made me wonder how many people I've alienated by my changing moods. At the start of school I was really upbeat and energized and talked to everyone...I guess now everyone thinks I hate them because I find it hard to make conversation now. It just saddens me more...I'm not sure what to do, and I guess there is no good solution. I just wondered how common this kind of experience is among people with mood problems.
OK, sorry, this post wasn't so short (mine never are!), thanks for listening,
Rose

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I've lost friends due to the illness. Some people can't handle the constant talking. Some people can't handle that I keep my feelings to myself and feel that I'm shutting them out as well. But how do you explain the feelings caused by bipolar? It's just very complicated.
My brother even lost friends due to me, because they couldn't handle me and said that if he was to continue having me around they wouldn't stay friends with him. I wish he had never told me that because it haunts me sometimes. The words come back to me and I feel sick all over again. It's hard to know that my bipolar made me soooooo annoying that my own brother lost friends.
Good luck to you and I hope you find true friends who will love you no matter what!!!
Hey Rose! Its good to hear from you again...I've said this many times...people who don't have BP, can't understand those of us who have BP...they just can't...its not their fault...my moods change...one day i'm constantly talking, very outgoing, very friendly, laughing, the best friend...then the next day (or even the same day sometimes) I'm down, VERY quiet, keep EVERYTHING to myself, won't leave the house, etc...so yeah, that's hard on people. My friends now are Bipolar. My real friends anyway. I've lost some really close friends, people I loved with all my heart, but I couldn't EXPRESS that when I was down and they got tired of the inconsistencies. I don't blame them anymore.
Its tough...but its life...we have to accept it as it comes and move WITH it...
We're not alone, though...and that's what's important.
Hugs,
Keli
Rose -
Story of my life. Let's face it...being around severely depressed people is no fun. I didn't realize this until I got out of my own depression - I have a couple frinds now who aren't BP, but get just the depression, and when they're down in the dumps I want to avoid them. It's just human nature, I think. But being BP, we have it even harder. One night I'll be really enthused about being social, and will make plans with friends to go out and do something fun in a couple days, and by the time that day rolls around, I'm making excuses because I just don't feel up to it anymore. I think that's the hardest thing - not being able to predict how I'll feel about something in the near future. I have some "friends" who just don't invite me to things anymore because they know I'll probably cancel. I guess they're justified in that. So, you're not alone...I just try to realy hold on to the few good friends I do have, by trying to explain to them about why I am like I am, and by forcing myself to hang out with them even when I'm not in my super social, hypomanic state. It's hard, but do-able. And if I'm really down in the dumps, I talk to them about why (if there is a why, which there usually is to some extent since I have probably been triggered by something) rather than just jumping into my "life sucks, everything sucks, I'm miserable and it's going to stay that way" talk.
Hang in there -
Jessica
Thank you, Brandi...I hope that you also will find true friends if you haven't already. It is very hard to explain, especially since I haven't told anyone that I have mood problems (although I guess it may be pretty obvious at times). It does make me really sad, though.
Even last night, I went out with some acquaintances and really had a good time (which is unusual for me), and was laughing and talking some. But today, once again a huge sadness has come over me...I don't even know why. I'm guessing these frequent changes are probably just due to a change in my activities or something, and not severe enough to be due to bipolar...but still it would be hard to have to explain to anyone. I sometimes wonder if that's one reason I don't let anyone get close to me, so I won't have to try to share these things about myself with them.
Thanks again for your post, and good luck to you too,
Rose
Hi, Keli, good to hear from you too, and thanks for your reply to me. I'm glad that you have found real friends, even if they all share your ups and downs. I can definitely see your point that only people with BP can truly understand what it is like. I know I'm going to have to associate with many people in med school and beyond, most of whom will not be BP...and of course I'm still not positive that I am BP myself...but at times, it seems like that fact will lead only to my feeling guilty over the friendships I've lost and the people I've alienated. I'm not sure if that makes any sense.
I definitely share your view that it must be hard for other people to put up with my/our inconsistencies...I can't say that I blame them for that either. I guess it just makes me feel lonely and isolated and unlovable much of the time.
Thanks again,
Rose
Thanks, Jessica...I think you have some good strategies for dealing with this issue. I'm also trying to force myself to be at least somewhat social even when I don't feel like it...but I agree that it's really hard. And I can completely relate to your worry about not knowing how you'll feel about something the next day or the next week...that same worry makes me hesitant to sign up for things or plan things ahead of time...but I know that I have to do that anyway.
Thanks again, I really appreciate the reply,
Rose
wow! this is a great topic!
when i'm depressed, i isolate and assume that people (i.e. friends and acqaintances) won't want to be around me because i too had a good friend tell me that it was hard to be around me when i was depressed. she admitted that it was her issue, that it triggered stuff in her. but since then, i have been reluctant to let people into
peace and love,
just_a_big_kid
Gosh, I kinda always just thought it was me. (being Eeyore again, lol) The "different Beths", and the way my stbx reacted to them (or *didn't* react), definitely played a roll in the demise of my marriage. Except for my bf, I have like NO friends whatsoever. It's pathetic! Nobody understands how I can be so outgoing and have so much fun, and then for no reason, completely isolate myself. Then they're left wondering why they ever hung out with me in the first place.
It's good to know I'm not alone here. I just figured I was a social misfit.
Beth
Hi Rose!
I've had a really difficult time keeping friends. When I'm hypomanic, I talk, I sing, I dance, I'm really crazy and I want to do everything. When I'm kind of on an even plane, I'm relatively shy. When I'm depressed, I'm irritable, antisocial and negative. Even though I feel my illness is a lot more controlled now than it has ever been, there are still the moods. People have a tough time dealing with that; they just don't know what to expect. I've also been rejected when I try to tell people why I am that way. Has anyone else had this experience?
Another big thing...and I can use something that happened recently as an example...I was invited to a friend's house for a surprise 50th birthday party. I was supposed to be part of the surprise because I hadn't seen her in at least 10 years. I was really excited about going because it was a chance for me to reconnect with some people. On the day of the party, I was feeling slightly depressed and anxious. Everyone was supposed to bring a pot of chili (part of the plan was a chili dump) so I went to the store to buy the stuff for it. I started crashing in the store, becoming more and more anxious, and ended up sitting home in the dark, not answering my phone.
Also...let's face it...at some point negative experiences start to weigh on you and you're just not as willing to go out and try as you used to be.
I had a really close friend for a while, but she had undiagnosed issues. I thought she was probably mildly obsessive compulsive. Anyway, we understood each other and she kicked my butt when I needed it. She moved across the country. We still communicate, but it's not the same...
These days I feel like the computer is my best friend. I can find support and friendship through boards like these, because people really know how being bipolar affects your life.
Ciao! Cindy
Thank you all very much for answering...it was surprising to hear how common this kind of experience is...so it's good to know I'm not alone. Sorry for posting on these boards so much, but like you, Cindy, I feel like people here can often understand me since I am always trying to hide these issues of mine from people I know "offline."
Right now I'm extremely down again...but there is a student "social" going on...and an old friend (my only kind-of real friend) called me and asked if I wanted to come, so I'm going to go, at least for a little while. As much as I'd rather not go and try to fake a smile, I guess it is healthier than staying in my bedroom and getting progressively more depressed. This friend doesn't know about my ups and downs exactly in terms of any kind of diagnosis, but I feel like I can at least say that I'm not feeling too good and he'll understand.
Thanks again, and I hope you all are doing well,
Rose
Edited 12/3/2004 10:08 pm ET ET by rosa444
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