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| Thu, 12-02-2004 - 1:19pm |
I just need to say something to someone and I just don't have anyone in my life I can talk to right now. It really sucks when the only person I can talk to about everything is my therapist. I'm 23, 24 in January, and still in college with a year or more to go. All of my pre-marriage friends are mostly graduated and moved on in their lives and my now friends, ie. after marriage, are all shallow relationships, not the confiding type. So, I guess that leaves you guys. At least then I don't feel so alone.
What I need to confide - I read DH's journal. He doesn't know. I don't know why. Well, I guess I do. It was there, I was there, DH wasn't. He's been in a funk for months now and been seeing a school counselor sporadically. I thought the problem was porn and pressure from classes and finances. Well, his entry from a couple of weeks ago says that he doesn't love me, he never has. His words are that he loves me platonically but isn't 'in love' with me. It hurts so much. We've been married three and a half years now. He wrote that he asked me to marry him so that I would be taken care of. That he only said I do at the wedding because all of his family was there and because it would hurt me if he didn't. On top of that he doesn't think I'm his 'peer'. Apparently I'm not as intellectual as he wants and not athletic enough and not religious enough and other stuff. I'd thought that we had come through so much together and he was just a little depressed. I don't want to lose him, but on reflection, maybe I never had him. But it doesn't matter to me, I think he's just depressed. I've fixed myself up so much. His journal said that he's never been physically attracted to me. That hurt a lot. I just don't know what to think or do or say. He wants a relationship like others have - particularly like TV couples such as Dharma & Greg. How could I get him to maybe be in love with me? Sigh. I just don't need this right now. I thought things were going so well.

Oh sweety, what a horrible thing to read. Unfortunately, I know from hard experience that if he really doesn't love you, there is NOTHING you can do to make him love you. His wishes to have a marriage like those on tv are a bit unrealistic - real people don't have relationships like that. Every problem in your life isn't solved in 30 minutes or less, and it takes a lot more then a laugh track to make things better.
Depending on how YOU are doing, I would sit down with him in a very non-confrontational way and talk about these things with him. Even if it means admitting you read his journal. You can be upfront about it and explain that you were concerned about his because he'd seemed so down lately. Otherwise, something you read may slip out accidentally at a time when it will do a great deal more damage.
I wish I had better advice, but that is just how I would deal with it - and I would be prepared for ANY reaction including a really ugly one.
Good luck and hopefully someone else here can offer some other perspective on it.
Tracey
Hi Beth~
It's so scary how life can come and blindside us like this isn't it?
If I were you I think I would sit and listen to myself really hard. You'll find your answer there. As a matter of fact you have probably already heard the answer, it may just be something that you didn't or don't want to hear. I also know how that feels too.
Sometimes, listening to our hearts and minds is so hard. Especially when they are saying two different things. But when they are saying the same thing and we deny ourselves of something that could be greater in the future......well, I dunno really, I guess we'd never know what's behind door number 2. You know what I mean?
Right now, I'm at a point with my dh where closing door number 1 to walk to door number 2 hurts, and yes, I'm scared crapless, but I couldn't go on living life that way anymore. Being strong on this walk isn't easy, but I have been to hell and back and I KNOW I can do this if I just keep my goals in focus.
I'm not telling you to leave him. I'm telling you to listen to yourself, find your answer, follow it, stay focused and be the strong woman that I KNOW you are. I know you'll get through this. ;o)
*hugs*
Peace, Love and Healing,
~Teri~
~The Worlds A Roller Coaster
~The Worlds A Roller Coaster And I Am Not
Strapped In.
I'm so sorry you have to go through this. When I read your post, my heart sank. Unfortunately, I know how much it hurts to hear those same things from your husband. My marriage fell apart in May of this year. I too thought that he was "just" depressed, and we could work things out. After being together for 7 years, married only 8 months, he came to me one day and told me that he had never wanted to get married. He only did because thought "he was supposed to." He never wanted children, and only said he did because he thought "he was supposed to". I wasn't the same person he fell in love with, we have no passion, etc. etc. You get the gist. It hurts like hell, literally takes your breath away.
I made the decision to move out. I just couldn't be around him anymore, it hurt way too much. So I moved back with my parents. It's been really hard, and I know just how you must feel. You'll probably go through every emotion known to man about a hundred times an hour. And you have every right to change your mind on how you feel about everything and anything just as many times.
I decided to try and make things work. I thought if we got counseling, we could make it. Maybe if we got individual counseling, we could make it. I forgave him for of hurtful things he said and did, because I really really loved him. I thought I could do it for the both of us. But no matter how hard I tried, he just didn't love me back. That was the hardest thing of all. In my case, there was nothing I could do to fix it.
I truly hope you can work things out with him. To me, it sounds like he probably wanted you to find his journal. Maybe when you talk about this and he sees how it will impact him, and you, he may feel differently. For Bill, once I moved out, all of a sudden it became real to him. He had to live with hurting me and his family so deeply, and then found out bachelor life wasn't at all like he had imagined it to be.
The most valuable advice I can pass on to you is to stay true to yourself, and never do anything you don't feel comfortable with, or would regret. A lot of people are going to have a lot of advice for you, but only a few will really understand. I this all sounds corny, but you need to do what feels right to you. No matter how this turns out, you are the one that has to look at yourself in the mirror when you get through to the other side.
A million hugs!!!!
Beth
(((((Beth))))),
I'm so sorry that you had to read that--I know it hurts like h*ll because I read something similar in DD's journal & it still cuts thinking about it.
Beth, honey...I am so sorry you had to read that...and I'm sorry for the pain you are experiencing now. I know from experience how this feels. And I have to be perfectly honest with you now...you can't make him love you sweetie...If he doesn't love you, you need to move on with you life, as scary as that sounds right now. Life throws some fast balls at us that we don't see...I've been there...watched my dh fall in love with someone else right in front of my eyes...its hard...but you WILL go on, and you WILL be happy again. I promise. The pain doesn't last forever. Grieve your relationship...cut your losses and move on with your life...You're too young to be with someone for the rest of your life that isn't IN LOVE with you. Your life will be empty and void, and you will be the one suffering. I'm sorry to have to be so blunt with you, but I felt you needed to hear it. I know so much how you feel right now and I wish I was there with you to help you through it...just know that you aren't alone...I'm with you in spirit, and we're here on the board to help you through it.
I would however, confront him...and ask him WHY...and how long it was going to be before he told you...he could drop the "bomb" at any time in your lifetime, and you'd be sitting there anticipating it for the rest of your life...you can't live like that honey...its going to make you crazy.
Hang in there with everything you have...
Hugs,
Keli