More on Thursday's appt and what's new
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| Sun, 12-19-2004 - 1:28am |
Hi everyone.
As I mentioned. I had a doctor's appointment Thursday (family doctor). He's the one treating me for depression. I have a friend who is a pastor and counsellor (although I don't get to talk to him regularly for counselling) who said that I'm not being honest with my doctor by only getting help for depression. Well I didn't want to lose the manias so it made sense to me. I also didn't want to seem like a hypochondriac just trying to find something wrong with me. But I finally got up the nerve to do it. I took in my two mania questionnaires, my mood log, journal and even my poetry book to explain to him what mania is for me. Well, he liked the poem and thought the work I had done tracking my moods was good but that was it. Well he also granted my request to increase my antidepressants (to the normal amount mind you). He also asked if I was going to go back to East Region Mental Health. I said maybe. I have the number sitting on my desk but whether I ever get around to calling is a different story. It never seems important. Always getting pushed aside by the rest of my life. I had gone there before and my first therapist was good but he left for a job with children's aid. The second therapist totally sucked. I didn't know if he was even listening to me and we made no progress. No feedback, nothing to work on. (My first therapist there gave me "homework") So one day in the midst of a depression I decided not to go and didn't call and weeks later received a letter saying if you don't call us you'll have to get a new referral to come back. I never did. I also know that I don't need a referal - I can self-refer.
I don't know if there was a point to all that but if you managed to make it through, thanks for listening.
Amanda/Schitz


Amanda,
A lot of us battle with the allure of mania--the lovely hypomania that can make you so focused and able to get things done and the wild mania that makes you invincable, make you think you can (and do) the work of five people and oh the lovely shopping & partying sprees.
Hi Amanda! I can totally relate to your fear about losing your manias...its why I didn't get put on BP meds for a year after my dx. But let me reassure you that stability feels so much better than the manias do...After 3 years, I am finally stable and true enough, I'm having to "find" myself again...but it feels really good finally. Its a tough road, but worth it in the end!
Coming here to this board, REALLY helped me...so I hope you'll stick around!
Hugs,
Keli
Hi everyone. Thanks for the replies.
Marci, I know that all manias aren't good.
I really don't like it when I get all scrambled and once again can't function. That really interferes with my life. Especially since I'm trying to graduate this year. I have a full course load for the first time in 3 1/2 years on top of everything else. When I had a light course load I could manage to get by (somewhat - although still managed to let my grades get low enough to end up on academic probation). Now that I have a full course load there is a lot of work and I have to go to school every day so I can't just hide away when it gets really bad. This semester I got in trouble for disrupting my class. I felt like a little kid getting in trouble in elementary school and I had the joy of writing a major assignment in a mandatory class that I had failed before when I was totally scrambled. I would have done great if i was having a "good" mania but I was beyond the creative, energetic and productive phase. Luckily that prof knows about my manic depression and is willing to work something out. She said she will not fail me if I do all the work, and I did. I also don't have an exam for that class which is good because I crashed the week before exams started and it has been tough. I have an exam tomorrow that I haven't even studied for. I had to force myself to get up and have a shower after three days of growing into the couch. Eww. My friends don't understand this. They just think I'm gross. But I just can't take care of myself when I'm that depressed. I can't do anything.
As far as getting a referal to ERMH I'm going to call one of these days and speak to an intake worker. The information that I have says self-referral is okay, but if they want a referral then I'll get my doc to do it when I see him in Jan. (If I get around to calling them by then).
Keli, I know that I should want to stabilize my moods.
I actually have a friend that understands. Maybe that's because I lived with her so she got to see me at all times. She said she know that I don't want to lose the good parts but I just need to take the edge off. I agree with that. But it's hard for me to trust that I won't lose all the good stuff and just end up flat and feeling nothing.
Amanda, I've seen you around. You post a lot which is good. I love to see that kind of activity on the boards. It's been tough since coming back to ivillage and other boards. The activity level has just gone down so much. When I was here before I remember having so many messages it was hard to keep track. It was different boards though.
As far as keeping us apart I will always sign Schitz as well as Amanda. And if anyone is wondering, that was my nickname in high school. And I know that it should be Schiz, but that's how I spelt it at the time so that's how my nickname is spelt. I'm not really schizo but my friends just knew I was a little nuts.
Hope to talk to all of you soon, but now i have to *try* to study :(
Amanda/Schitz
Hey there! Hope you're studying is going well! I know how that is...KNOWING you have something coming up and then not doing it until the last minute...I work better that way most times...
Stabilization is different for everyone. In my case, when I was first dx'ed, I was MANIC as all get out...I did NOT want to lose that...but I had no choice eventually, I went so manic, so high, that I got psychotic, and ended up in the hospital...so I was put on meds, obviously...then, I was waaaaaaaay overmedicated with a whole BUNCH of different meds over a 1.5 year period of time...meds that made me worse...including stabilizers...Too much of ANY of the mood stabilizing meds will shoot me into a downward cycle overnight...and on the same hand, too much of any anti depressant (Cymbalta current) will shoot me up in to mania. I had to figure out at which dosages that neither scenario happened TOO BADLY...that finally stabilized me, as much as I can be stabilized...I do have BP, and it never goes all the way away, ya know?
Anyway, be careful with what meds you take...and if you feel yourself getting too sluggish, too depressed, talk to your pdoc and let them know. Too many times, they want you DOWN and not up into mania, so they'll medicate you to that point. I had to finally be very firm with my pdoc (who I love, by the way) and told her I was coming OFF ALL MEDS for a while, and then trying very low doses of whatever I took. It worked.
Hugs,
Keli