Letting Go of Guilt, etc....TRIGGERS!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Letting Go of Guilt, etc....TRIGGERS!
5
Mon, 12-20-2004 - 12:29pm

The end of a year always tends to make me reflect backwards...on that year, and then usually, even further back. I have had a very hard year. Ever since my diagnosis, and then my battle with the medications and stability...I've had a really hard time with feeling guilty. I know that many of us with Bipolar Disorder have made mistakes in our lives...when we were in a manic phase usually. I know I did...many times over. I still do. But the difference NOW, is that I KNOW what I'm dealing with, and that I always make very hasty, very rash, not thought out decisions that affect not only me, but a lot of other people as well. Before, I didn't know that...and I hurt a lot of people...my husband, my son, my mom and dad, my brother...my friends...I have accepted that I hurt them...and I have apologized over and over again...but the guilt never really goes away. I have made tremendous strides this year and I am very proud of being strong enough to endure the hell that I endured this year because of BP. I am in no way cured, as we all know, there is no "cure" for BP. But, I am better. I am so much more educated. I am stable on meds, with some cycling still going on...but that is just MY BP...I will always cycle some...I am NOT depressed...and I am NOT manic...this is major for me. I've been depressed and physically sick from the meds for most of this year...and now I'm not. And its like I'm a new person. I don't take it for granted though at all...as I know it can go the other way in the blink of an eye. Yesterday, I had a trigger...a major trigger...my dh decided to party his way through the weekend and not come home one night at all...so when he came home, he said "go ahead, yell at me". I said, I have nothing to say to you. Then I went downstairs, and confronted him about it...and then told him I was lonely, and that triggered a panic attack...so for the next hour, I couldn't breathe and I cried hysterically. But he helped me through it, and we TALKED and I found out some things that I didn't know had been bothering him...he didn't want to tell me, in fear of "putting more on me". I stopped crying, started breathing again normally, and all without taking an Ativan. I was scared out of my mind that I was having another "episode" ...but I didn't...and that proves how well I am doing. That panic attack was brought on by REACTION to a situation and not by my BP. I am totally grateful for that. Well, I've gotten way off my subject, as I tend to do, sorry!

We have to let go of the guilt that plagues us...we have an illness that sometimes causes us to not always make the proper decision. But, once we have started treatment, and/or therapy, its time to let go of the guilt and the past and move on with our lives. Its not easy for me to do that. That's one of my main goals for the new year...well, to NOT bring my guilt for past mistakes into 2005. I can't keep moving forward, if that heavy weight of guilt is still on my back. Can anyone relate to that?

We're all so strong, and so incredibly amazing. I hope you all can see that. I can see it in you! I was once where you were, struggling in a hell so bad that I wanted to die. I managed, through the support of mainly this board, and my parents and dh, to stay alive long enough to get better. I strive every single second of every day to hold on to my stability. Its not easy, and sometimes, I just get tired. When I do, I lay down...I don't give up, but I lay down...I don't like sometimes that I stay in the house a lot...I don't like that I don't go out with friends or get a lot of public interaction, other than at work. But its who I am, and its what I have to do. I accept that for now. I don't push myself harder than I have to...that will only lead to my getting TOO tired to keep fighting.

If you're depressed, I am so sorry...I know how terrible that feels...OMG, its awful. But I do know also, IT WILL GET BETTER. You have to hang in there, and fight your way through it...if you get tired, rest. If you're manic, as I know some of you are...I know it feels good...but be careful! Mania cost me so much in my life. I hate to see it cost so much to someone I care about...and I truly do care about you all.

Remember, we're strong...we can do this...and I'm here for each and every one of you.

Love,

Keli

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 12-20-2004 - 3:43pm
bump
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Mon, 12-20-2004 - 8:45pm

Aside from my current situation w/ the depression and the mania or hypomania or whatever it is, guilt is definitely at the top of the list of what plagues me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Mon, 12-20-2004 - 10:18pm

TRIGGERS!!!


I have two demons--one is guilt, the other is anger and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to really win the battle over either.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 9:38am

Traci...don't worry about being a "downer"...and as for what you're now going through...welcome to Bipolar World...not trying to make you laugh, but it IS a roller coaster and we ALL want to get off...but we can't...as for how to sort through 38 years of emotions? When you find out, will you tell me??? I'm 34 and I think I've repressed SOOOOO many emotions that I don't know how to feel anything anymore...I used to feel RAGE very easily...can still feel that one sometimes...but the others, well, they just aren't there much anymore...and i know that i have to deal with them...that's why I'm starting with the guilt...I don't know how to let go of it either, girl...I try to just tell myself that I was sick when I did such and such...but i HATE to use my BP as an excuse for anything...or as a crutch! I have a real illness yes, but I still am a person who should know right from wrong...my social worker in the hospital who I absolutely let save me, helped me so much...she said that i DID know right from wrong...but my brain released a chemical when i was so manic, that it sort of over rode MY knowing. That is still very hard to accept. But I'm now trying. That's the first step...admitting that you are ill, and that you are getting help...I know how scary all this is, Traci, and I really wish there was something I could do to help you through it! I'm here for you!

Love and Hugs,

Keli

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 9:43am

Hey Marci...honey, I am so sorry I triggered you...I just know how hard it is to deal with the guilt...I have many anger issues too...and then put them all together and BLAM you have a very volatile situation on your hands...my childhood was wracked with abuse too...i was sexually abused at age 7 by an uncle...my father was a drug addict...got my brother hooked to drugs when he was around 13...i was never really physically abused, but the emotional abuse was there...and yes, i still get very angry about it...i've forgiven my dad, but i don't know what to do with the ANGER i still feel...

Anyway, I'm sorry if I triggered you with my question.

Love you girl!

Keli