canyouhearmenow....beth???

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
canyouhearmenow....beth???
3
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 9:14am

u out there hon?


gimme an update if you can, k?


love and hugs,


keli

Avatar for rincewynd
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 6:30pm
me or ze other Beth?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2004
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 6:46pm

TRIGGERS!!!! (SI, SA, etc.) TRIGGERS!!!!

Hi Keli...

I've had a rough week. I'm still cycling and panicky. But tomorrow's my last day at work. It's just too stressful and I'm not productive at all... a break should help a lot. I go from a raving witch to the office clown in the blink of an eye. I'm sure everyone there hates me at this point, so they'll be relieved when I'm finally gone. Can you believe a co-worker saw the cuts on my hands and actually asked me if I was "one of those cutter people"?! The nerve. He thought he was being funny. I've never been so embarassed.

I had been safe for 2 days. But had major problems with my boyfriend on Monday. Huge. I'm really confused and upset about what happened. Long story short... he blames me for triggering his SI, says I'm cliche and blowing my problems up to be somehting when they're actually nothing.

He got 5 beers into me (ok, he didn't force them down my throat, but you KNOW when someone's trying to get you drunk, and I was pretty vulnerable). And even though I kept telling him no, I don't want to, more than enough times to make myself clear, he eventually wore me down, had sex with me, and then told me to leave.

I dissociate in order to deal, so I let him do whatever he wanted. probably a coping mechanism from being SA'd. But my head's all messed up again, and now I have keep pushing what happend out of my head so I don't think about it, and it's even brought back the SA that I've worked so hard to push out of my mind. I feel like a worthless worthless stupid girl.

As if Monday wasn't enough for me, my XH talked me into meeting him last night. Why the heck not, I don't have any control over my life anyway, right?

I felt like I was in a bad dream - like funhouse gone bad. Things were so surreal, I was freaking out - anxiety, dissociating - felt like I lost touch with myself and reality. He must think I'm the biggest head case. Seeing him, he was like a complete stranger, but oddly familiar. Our things were all there, but in an unfamiliar place. Too much! I can't handle change on a good day. This was just too much!

Ugh. I'm almost out of Ativan, and can't get anymore until a week from Saturday. I think respirdal and paxil are a waste of time and money. Damn holidays, pdoc isn't available at all until then. Maybe I'll make an emergency call to my pdoc if it gets too scary without the anxiety med. It's either that or I do things my way.

Good to see you're back... you were missed a lot! Sorry to hear you were having a bad time. We're always here if you need us...

Love,
Beth

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 12-30-2004 - 9:02am

TRIGGERS................SI...........SA.....................................


TRIGGERS.....


TRIGGERS.....