crash (trigs?)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2004
crash (trigs?)
5
Mon, 01-03-2005 - 10:16pm

and crashhhhhhhhh.

I am feeling so sorry for myself it's pathetic. I can't STAND it. Right now my sister has her friends over, and I've been hiding in my room since 6:30, and it's 10 now. I can't stand being around people. And I'm so bored with myself. I don't want to do anything, I don't want to read, and I don't want to listen to music, I can't be around people, sigh. I can't stand being around myself. I feel so fat and pathetic and sooo dull. And so alone.

Today was my first day of being out of work. And I feel like I made a huge mistake. I quit my job to take a "mental health" break, which was supported by my tdoc. Now I'm panicking because I've isolated myslef and dont' know what to do. I have no friends. Nobody to miss me, nobody to call me, nowhere to go, and no distractions from this misery.

At least with work, I felt like I had somewhere to go. An escape from this house, which isn't my own. A distraction. But I couldn't handle it because of my anxiety and mood swings. Now I just have panic attacks at home, and mood swings at home. I can't even say "home" becuase it's not my home. I don't have one anymore. I'm living back with my parents because I can't afford the astronomical rents in this region (NE). Thanks to my xh, who is very happily set up in his own new condo now. And here I'm back in my childhood bedroom, a tiny 10'x11' room in my parents house, with no privacy or peace. And he's the one that cheated on me! Why should he be happy, why should he have his own space, and his own life, and his own HOME?

The jerk that I tried to believe was my night in shining armor boyfriend turned out to be a selfish jerk. Now I don't even have my DVD player, as I stupidly brought it to his apt, thiknking we were MADE for each other. Now we can't stand each other, we're both so pathetic.

Missing my pdoc appt today was just one straw too many. I'm a mess, and am SO sick of being stuck with myself. I dont' have it in me to go through this anymore.

Thanks for letting me vent,
Beth

Avatar for schitz
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
Mon, 01-03-2005 - 10:38pm

Sending you the biggest hug I can give!

First thing you should do is call your pdoc and make another appointment, and your tdoc for that matter.

Second, since you don't have the distraction of work you need to find something else -whether it be something at home (like arts and crafts) or something out there like a club.

You do have friends. You have us. We are all here for you. Vent all you like.

Once you talk to your tdoc and pdoc and maybe get a med adjustment hopefully things will be better.

Amanda/Schitz

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 01-04-2005 - 8:32am

Beth,


Honey...I'm really sorry you're in such a bad place right now...believe me, I've been in your shoes before...a couple times, actually...my dh, too cheated on me...and I ended up the one in a small trailer, while he ended up the one "on top" or so I thought...but it didn't last very long...take some comfort in knowing that he is living a lie...you are living REALITY right now, even though it TOTALLY sucks...you will get better, he still has a crash coming...you can only COME UP...he still has to GO DOWN...and he will...I promise you, that what goes around comes around...


I know how you feel about being dull, bored, anxious, and all of the above...


When can you go

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
Tue, 01-04-2005 - 12:05pm

Beth,

Hi! Just want to send you some hugs {{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}.

I agree with what Keli said about X's. My Xh moved in to an expensive house right after we got D'ed. Not long after he had to declair bankruptsy (how ever you spell it). I'll keep my fingers crossed this happens to yours.

I won't repeat what Amanda/S and Keli already told you. They gave you good advise.

Take care of you. Know you're not alone. Try and take Keli up on the offer to walk you through this. Believe me I know right now that depression is no place to be alone.

Love to you,

Jamie

Love,

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2004
Tue, 01-04-2005 - 3:50pm

Thanks everyone...

I keep hoping for the day that my xh gets run over by the karma van. And I hope I get to see it too! :)

Keli, thanks for offering to help me out. I feel like such a burden to teh world. I did email you, but it was late, and now I'm not even sure if I typed your email address in right.

TRIGGERS AHEAD.......

****
****
****
TRIGGERS *SI*

As far as being safe, I had a couple slip ups in the past couple days. Today, my t appt was triggering, and she had me use a rubber band on my arm until I was calm enough or she wouldn't let me leave. (Now I have a huge welt on my arm) She said I have PTSD. Now it makes sense, and reading hte description of that disorder, I'm surprised I didn't realize it before. But it was a surprise to me, and now I have yet another diagnosis. I see my pdoc on Saturday now... t told me to make sure he knows all this and understands how bad my anxiety and depression are.

It's only 4, and I am seriously craving the beer that I have stashed in the fridge, and am very much triggered. The rubber band trick really doesn't cut it (no pun intended, lol). Maybe temporarily, but it's not going to work today, I can feel it.

--bETH




Edited 1/4/2005 3:51 pm ET ET by canyouhearmenow
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2004
Tue, 01-04-2005 - 10:11pm

Beth,


I just wanted to add my support to the others.