i cant fight this anymore - trigs
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| Tue, 01-04-2005 - 6:23pm |
i just dont know how to keep fighting this. the pain of teh depression is more than i can stand rigth now. i cant go to the hospital for a lot of different reasons. my kids being at the top of the list.
i met with the tdoc today and we talked about where i'm at right now, we talked about my paranoia. i was able to get through the hour w/o mentioning the increasing si because that is when she would have me detained. she also told me i needed to call pdoc 'cause the abilify gave me a rash.
so i called pdoc and he pulled me off the abilify and as of tomorrow, has started me on seroquel. i'm tired of new meds every week. i'm tired of side effects. i'm tired of not getting better. the depression gets worse with each swing, the emotional pain is worse w/ each episode.
i'm sorry.



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Hey Traci!
Hi Traci. Oh, baby, I'm really sorry to read that you're suffering so much now. I had no idea. I probably would have if I'd been able to read all the other posts. Reading a lot of your post is like looking back at myself about 7 months ago. Keli's right, it does get better. MUCH better. But, it's a struggle, sometimes a big one, to get there. I really wish I could tell you otherwise. The struggle comes in being willing to try all the different meds and keep going through the motions even when we'd rather just give in and melt away. Honey, hang in there. It's so worth it when the clouds do start to lift. Keli's also right about the Seroquel. It's a good med, although pretty sedating. Please stay with the process of finding the right combo for you. Unfortunately, it's all trial and error, but it's all worth it when you stabilize. We're all here for you, so post anytime you need to.
Huge ((((hugs))))
Kristen
Traci,
I'm so very sorry you're going through this still. I'm not the one to give you a pep talk right now. I'm very sorry. I just wanted you to know I care. Take care of you.
Love,
Jamie
Love,
(((((Traci))))),
Sweetie,
I know oh so well, the frustration with the med changes and getting to the point where you find one that works!
i want to thank you all for your kind words and support. i had a very long night and today istn looking much better. i have been fighting thoughts of hurting myself all night. now its getting very hard to keep fighting. ive thought about calling my tdoc but know what will happen if i do. i'm scared and dont know what to do.
i'm sorry.
traci
Traci
I'm sorry that the morning light didn't bring a better day for you :( Please remember everything that we talked about last night - it was all true. You ARE worth fighting for. Don't give up. You CAN make it through and will be SO glad that you did.
Please please please call your pdoc about how you are feeling. I really don't think they will commit you involuntarily at this point. If they ask you to go in, maybe you should call your stepdaughter to come and take care of the kids for a few days and go. It really would help you so much. I promise you.
Please take care, and I will have my IM on at work if you need me. You are worth interrupting whatever I am doing so do not hesitate. Don't forget - you made me a promise last night!!
{{{HUGS}}}
Tracey (only 1/2 of the tag team!)
Traci, it sounds like calling your tdoc is probably the best thing you can do, and you should also call your pdoc. As someone else pointed out, they can't help you if they don't know how you're suffering. PLEASE call them. I know that in the past I have seen my pdoc, with every intention of being completely forthcoming, but when I was there I just acted as if everything was all right. I kicked myself all the way home, then called his voice mail and left a long message telling him the things I needed to tell him while I was there (suicidal ideation, intrusive thoughts, that type of thing), that he really needed to know. Maybe you can talk to your pdoc's voice mail if you aren't able to tell him or her directly, and then ask to be called back. I do know that from your posts you are in a place where you desperately need help, and you need to reach out to those two people there who are in a position to offer practical help right now. We will be here to offer support, encouragement, love, but sweetie, it really sounds like you need to be in the hospital for a short while to be safe while you can be stabilized enough to not be a danger to yourself and not be suffering so much. Sometimes that's just where we need to be. I totally understand not being able to go because of the kids, that's the main reason I didn't ASK to go in during my last episode. If going to the hospital truly isn't an option, there are other choices. There are day hospital programs, perhaps you can just see your tdoc or pdoc two or three times weekly until you are more stable. We've all been in the same place you are now. I know it doesn't feel that it will ever get better, but it really will. You just need more help than you are getting right now. There's nothing to be ashamed of in that. It's just part of the illness at times.
PLEASE keep posting. I'll keep you in my thoughts, and keep checking the board.
Love,
Kristen
Traci- I know your situation with your kids and mom, but maybe you can go to a partial program. During the day you are at the hospital, and in the evening you come home. This may help you be in touch with doctors during the day and they can tweak meds as necissary, but you can take care of the kids at night when they get home. I know it may be difficult to get some time away from work, but the hospital is for there seem to be no other options, thats what it is for. I will pray for you for the next week. God be with you.
Kristin
Traci-
I agree with everything that has just been said and don't have much to add. I just wanted to let you know that I'm here for you. I was in the very same place the last couple weeks and nearly did walk to the ER in the middle of the night (mind you that would have been a long walk - it's a half hour drive). Please stay safe. You are so worth it.
Love and hugs.
Amanda/Schitz
hi and thank you all. i did call tdoc earlier. told her what was going on and she asked if i had any plans to do anyting. i told her no. she told me to try and get a nap in between my bus runs because no sleep is triggering
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