New-getting desperate-long
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New-getting desperate-long
| Wed, 01-05-2005 - 10:29am |
Hello,
I typed something in the depression board but not sure if that is my prob or not. I'm not sure I am supposed to post here because I don't know if I have bi-polar, or ADD, simple drpression or nothing at all. I'll try to keep it as short as possible!
All my life I have been "different". Even as early as 2 or 3. I didn't want to play with the other kids. I preferred to play alone or hang out with the adults. It's not that I NEVER played with anyone but my interactions with my peers, the things I wanted to do, were different. They would sense it right away, so all thru my early childhood I had no close friends. Also I had absolutely NO inhibitions or impulse control. Boy did I get in trouble all the way thru K-2, before I was finally forced into special ED. My mom got calls constantly. For example one day I got in trouble in K for eating ants. Go figure! My grades were never good and I always learned slower than the other kids. I don't think it was my intelligence, I think it was more a lack of comprehension, and total inability to concentrante on too many details at once. I would get extremely frustrated. Something I suffer from to this day. At age 10 I finally made a close friend, (she was 2 years younger than me) but I was very, VERY clingy. Called her constantly, and was jealous of anyone else in her life. Drove her nuts. For some reason though, she stayed my friend all the way until she hit high school, when she became rather embarassed to be seen with me. I was still in special ED and had already been hospitalized twice. I was also the "profit of doom" and was generally unpleasant to be around. My social skills were non-existant. For years my inability to form close friendships put me into a deep depression. When I was 20 I swallowed two bottles of Xanax with wine coolers, which was my first real suicide attempt. By this time, I had been hospitalized at least 8 times for half-hearted attempts and suicidal thoughts. My family was furious. I was tired of it all by then and refused treatment, so they got a court order. They treated my depression, but didn't really get into the heart of the problem, because I still didn't "know" what I was experiencing. Then for the last 11 years I have had no bad depression fits, I moved out bought my own home and was able to care for myself quite well. I think I may have pushed everything to the back of my mind and was able to ignore it for a time. I had no real friends, and though I tried to date occasionally, the thought of becoming intimate, both physically and mentally was utterly repulsive to me, so I had no boyfriends. My family was constantly pressuring me to get married. UGG! Finally when I was 31 I posted on the internet and met my husband. I think he must have been desperate, because I was less than affecionate and panicked several times when we talked of marriage. After a year we were married, though why I don't know. I don't love him and probably never will-I don't think I am capable of deep love like that. He could ask me for a divorce now, and I'd probably be relieved because I am not very fair to him and I do feel very guilty about it. I HATE being sexual, the idea, act, and everything connected to it is disgusting to me. I have NO IDEA why. I was a complete virgin when we met, and he has been my ONLY relationship serious or otherwise. If he is affectionite I push him away, I hate kissing, and I don't like him trying to support me when I am upset. Don't ask me why. Any "normal" person would instinctively turn to another person close to them when things are down. Not me. I actually get sick to my stomach and feel panicky when he reaches out to me. He knows a little of my past, but not a whole lot. Then about a year ago, a new problem cropped up. I started on this WILD spending spree-which is totally unlike me. Bought a house even though we'd only been living in the other one less than 18 months and it was in great shape, which nearly doubled our payments. Bought a new car, even though my other car wasn't half paid for. Had to add the price on to the loan. HUGE payment for my income. Everything quieted down for a couple of months, when I went NUTS again. Bought ANOTHER brand new car to add on to the first one, (my husband also has a car-so now we have THREE car payments) two puppies at $700.00 a piece, big screen TV, two trips to Alaska, forced my parents to buy a new car too and Lord knows what else. Needless to say I bankrupted our bank accout-overdrew nearly $1000.00 and brought the charge card up to over $10,000.00. ICK-what a mess. We had to borrow from my husbands military retirement fund to put money in the bank just to pay bills. Now I am terrified to spend a dime! My performance at work the last year has gone waaay down since I am totally unable to concentrate AT ALL and spend most of the day fantazing, or doing other things I should not be doing. It's getting worse and I am getting desperate. Sorry this has been so long! Does anyone have any ideas? Does it sound like bi-polar, or something else? Or am I just a bit of a weirdo?
Thanks if you made it this far!
I typed something in the depression board but not sure if that is my prob or not. I'm not sure I am supposed to post here because I don't know if I have bi-polar, or ADD, simple drpression or nothing at all. I'll try to keep it as short as possible!
All my life I have been "different". Even as early as 2 or 3. I didn't want to play with the other kids. I preferred to play alone or hang out with the adults. It's not that I NEVER played with anyone but my interactions with my peers, the things I wanted to do, were different. They would sense it right away, so all thru my early childhood I had no close friends. Also I had absolutely NO inhibitions or impulse control. Boy did I get in trouble all the way thru K-2, before I was finally forced into special ED. My mom got calls constantly. For example one day I got in trouble in K for eating ants. Go figure! My grades were never good and I always learned slower than the other kids. I don't think it was my intelligence, I think it was more a lack of comprehension, and total inability to concentrante on too many details at once. I would get extremely frustrated. Something I suffer from to this day. At age 10 I finally made a close friend, (she was 2 years younger than me) but I was very, VERY clingy. Called her constantly, and was jealous of anyone else in her life. Drove her nuts. For some reason though, she stayed my friend all the way until she hit high school, when she became rather embarassed to be seen with me. I was still in special ED and had already been hospitalized twice. I was also the "profit of doom" and was generally unpleasant to be around. My social skills were non-existant. For years my inability to form close friendships put me into a deep depression. When I was 20 I swallowed two bottles of Xanax with wine coolers, which was my first real suicide attempt. By this time, I had been hospitalized at least 8 times for half-hearted attempts and suicidal thoughts. My family was furious. I was tired of it all by then and refused treatment, so they got a court order. They treated my depression, but didn't really get into the heart of the problem, because I still didn't "know" what I was experiencing. Then for the last 11 years I have had no bad depression fits, I moved out bought my own home and was able to care for myself quite well. I think I may have pushed everything to the back of my mind and was able to ignore it for a time. I had no real friends, and though I tried to date occasionally, the thought of becoming intimate, both physically and mentally was utterly repulsive to me, so I had no boyfriends. My family was constantly pressuring me to get married. UGG! Finally when I was 31 I posted on the internet and met my husband. I think he must have been desperate, because I was less than affecionate and panicked several times when we talked of marriage. After a year we were married, though why I don't know. I don't love him and probably never will-I don't think I am capable of deep love like that. He could ask me for a divorce now, and I'd probably be relieved because I am not very fair to him and I do feel very guilty about it. I HATE being sexual, the idea, act, and everything connected to it is disgusting to me. I have NO IDEA why. I was a complete virgin when we met, and he has been my ONLY relationship serious or otherwise. If he is affectionite I push him away, I hate kissing, and I don't like him trying to support me when I am upset. Don't ask me why. Any "normal" person would instinctively turn to another person close to them when things are down. Not me. I actually get sick to my stomach and feel panicky when he reaches out to me. He knows a little of my past, but not a whole lot. Then about a year ago, a new problem cropped up. I started on this WILD spending spree-which is totally unlike me. Bought a house even though we'd only been living in the other one less than 18 months and it was in great shape, which nearly doubled our payments. Bought a new car, even though my other car wasn't half paid for. Had to add the price on to the loan. HUGE payment for my income. Everything quieted down for a couple of months, when I went NUTS again. Bought ANOTHER brand new car to add on to the first one, (my husband also has a car-so now we have THREE car payments) two puppies at $700.00 a piece, big screen TV, two trips to Alaska, forced my parents to buy a new car too and Lord knows what else. Needless to say I bankrupted our bank accout-overdrew nearly $1000.00 and brought the charge card up to over $10,000.00. ICK-what a mess. We had to borrow from my husbands military retirement fund to put money in the bank just to pay bills. Now I am terrified to spend a dime! My performance at work the last year has gone waaay down since I am totally unable to concentrate AT ALL and spend most of the day fantazing, or doing other things I should not be doing. It's getting worse and I am getting desperate. Sorry this has been so long! Does anyone have any ideas? Does it sound like bi-polar, or something else? Or am I just a bit of a weirdo?
Thanks if you made it this far!

Hi Pommom,
First, Welcome to the board. You belong here if you think you belong here. I don't think there our and rules about that. You will find alot of loving, caring people here.
There were a couple of things in your post that I would like to comment on. I hope you don't mind.
I can't tell you if your bi-polar or not. Only your doc can. That said...you sure make a good case for BP. It's not unusual for bp's to get misdx'd as just having depression. We don't usually go to the doc when we are manic. I suggest you print out your post and take it to the doctor and have him read it. Until he knows everything you'll never get the proper dx and help. I tend to minimize the problem when I'm in the doc's office so if I have something in writing it helps.
As to your being a wierdo...not a chance. Our stories may not be the same but, I had my own problems that parallel yours. I don't ever remember feeling like I fit. I think that goes with the mental illness territory.
Now what you said about not being a normal person. When I'm wound up I can't stand anyone to tough me. It's as if my flesh hurts when they do. When I depressed I am not interested in being sexual. Now when I'm manic the direct opposite is true but, this symptom is not neccessary to be bi-polar.
Okay last but not least...Your problems in school...When I am depressed I isolate myself and am the predicter of constant doom. I think that's just the nature of the beast. I have a very high IQ but, in 5th grade I was put in with the slow kids because I just couldn't get it. Now I know with as many thoughts as were going on in my head there was no way to keep up with it all. I doubt I'm allone in this. I still can't spell to save my life despite a college degree. I couldn't read well until I was in my 30's. Don't have a friend from school. Had a good friend in Junior High but, she moved and I never made another. I guess what I'm saying is you sound "normal" to me. I think you've come to the right place.
Sorry this is so long. Keep posting. We care. Take care of you.
Love,
Jamie
Love,
Hey there and welcome to the board!
Pommom,
Welcome to the board, glad you found us!
I was not really asking for anyone here to "diagnose" me. I was just wondering if any of my problems sounded similar to those already diagnosed with PD so I wouldn't embarrass myself asking a therapist later on. I seem to have a lot of the symptoms but the sexual urges one always stopped me since I have always been the exact opposite. Then I began wondering if I had something else. I have never had a panic attack, but I have always been easily irritated and on an emotional rollar coaster. For the last week I have been totally unable to concentrate at work at all. I have goals to meet and haven't been able to even start on them. Yesterday I wrote an elaborate story all day. I typed at a furious pace this long story then got bored and irritated with it and threw it away. Today, I have been jumping up all day, or staring out the window, but am unable to concentrate on one thing for more than a few mintues. As for work, I have spells of poor performance, than long spells of being the top performer. At my current job, I was number one producer in the world a few years ago, won all these awards, worked at a furious pace. For the last year, I have done miserably, my quality has been poor, and I spend most of the day fantazing. Perhaps the stress of getting married and being unable to conceive may be causing me to loose it.
Thanks for your input!
Jodie
Hi pommom
Welcome to the board. I cannot say if you are bipolar. It is a possibility, but the only person who can say is a qualified mental health professional. Still, I will be here to support you. :) The one thing that stood out to me, others may see this as lesser, but I can relate is the sexuality aspect. I have always been repulsed by sex and to get even a little intimate takes a long time. (I was with my ex a year and only kissed).
I suggest you get to your doctors and get a referral to a mental health clinc, or look them up in the yellow pages.
Hold on there.
Amanda/Schitz
I think you needn't worry about sounding silly going to a pdoc. In fact you don't have to say what you think it is just tell them your symptoms and how it's affecting your life, that should be enough. You can mention your suspiscion (sp?) of bipolar but you don't have to.
Good luck.
Amanda/Schitz