I'm going to scream (in a good way?)

Avatar for schitz
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
I'm going to scream (in a good way?)
10
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 3:25pm

I can't believe I did it but I did!

I don't know if I told you about a prof that I have that has expressed concern about me and I actually told her I was bipolar. Well I have her for the second half of the full year course that I failed the first half of. I talked to her after class and told her that I failed the first half and she has agreed (if I get the permission of the associate dean's office) to allow me to submit an essay for the one that I didn't hand in last semester and to do mini assignments to make up for tutorials. The thing about tutorial is this. There are about 280 people in the class and 4 tutorials. I went to one tutorial last semester and immediately walked out and had a panic attack. We were in the smallest room on campus (no exaggeration). I decided then that I was never going back. The essay that I didn't do was also assigned in tutorial. So I didn't get the essay topics. Anxiety prevented me from asking the prof.

Now here's the "I can't believe I did it" part.

I actually made all kinds of appointments. I went to the office of the associate dean yesterday but they closed at 4:00 (and class ended at 4:20), then I went to the Centre for Student Development (they do the disability services) and made an appointment. Today I called the associate dean's office and made an appointment and also called East Region (ERMH), the clinic I went to before, and spoke to the intake worker. She suggested I call 3G McMaster an outpatient program at the hospital that is part of the school I'm in, and I did! Unfortunately both of them are backed up about 6 months (and I'm not in with 3G - she told me I have to have the doctor fill out a referral form). I really should call Campus Health and make an appointment. They have a psychotherapist on hand and may be able to see me sooner, but I am exhausted from all this and my anxiety is through the roof. Calling people, talking to people and doing things for the first time are high stressors for me. This process is so nerve racking.

I'm excited and restless and still depressed. Grr. At least I did it. Now, getting through the appointments is going to be another problem.

Amanda/Schitz

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 3:32pm

Amanda:

Congrats! I know how tough it is to do what you did today! That is AWESOME. You can absolutely make it through the appointments...and if you start to think you can't, remember the strength you used today and remind yourself that yes, you CAN!

{{HUGS}}
Tracey

Avatar for kdvaleski
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2004
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 4:12pm

You go girl! I'm so proud of you!

Kristen

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Registered: 12-20-2004
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 4:57pm

Amanda/S,

I'm proud of you!!!!!!!You're taking great steps.

Love,

Jamie

Love,

Avatar for schitz
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
Thu, 01-06-2005 - 1:47am

Thank you Tracey, Kristen and Jamie. I hope I can hold on to that strength. I don't really know where it came from. I'm already nervous about my appointments. I also feel lost. If it's going to be at least 6 months before I get into ERMH what am I going to do? Should I try to see if my doc is up to trying a mood stabilizer or just stick with the antidepressants, which I'm strangely still depressed on, but have apparantly thrown me into a mixed state. It's funny how I cycle the same whether I'm on them or not. I guess without the mood stabilizer that's to be expected. Or should I go off all meds to avoid chemically induced manias or mixed states? I was scared by this last episode. I had never had mixed state so it was all very weird and I was very scared for my safety because normally if I'm depressed and therefore don't have the energy or motivation to do anything. This episode I felt very close to doing something stupid. Thankfully I got through it, but for the grace of god (as my friend always says). I've been meditating which I think helps a little but that's not going to hold me 6 months.

My first appointment is Friday with the associate dean. I'll let you know how that goes. I'm trying to prepare myself for that but I really don't know what to do or expect. I'm sure nothing will be accomplished that meeting. I bet I have to fill out the paperwork for an application for special consideration and medical excuse papers, maybe even petition for missed work. I guess the only thing I can be prepared with is what my problem is, what considerations the prof has said are acceptible and the process of going to the CSD and my doctor that is underway. I just envision a lengthy process and just thinking of it is exhausting.

Amanda/Schitz

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
Thu, 01-06-2005 - 12:10pm

Amanda/S,

Hi! Just want to let you know...Before I could find a pdoc my nurse practioner was the one who put me on Zyprexa and managed it for me. I guess what I'm trying to say is any doc should be able to get you started. I tell anyone who will stand still long enough to listen that she saved my life by doing it. She wasn't able to tweek it very well but, she got me through.

Now, slow down a little. Try just thinking about the one appointment a head of you not the whole enchilada. Remember you can only get somewhere putting on foot in front of the other...one step at a time. To think of it all at once must be over whelming! It's all going to be scarey but, I know you can do it. Come here and let out your anxiety after every appointment. Don't let it build up. I don't know about anyone else but I feel like I'm walking through this with you.

Take care of you.

Love,

Jamie

Love,

Avatar for schitz
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
Sat, 01-08-2005 - 1:26am

Whoo Hoo!

One appointment down. It was AWESOME. I nearly skipped out of her office. Nothing is set yet but still I have hope. It looks as though things are starting to come together. Today's appointment was with the associate dean's office. I have been given the okay for my special considerations conditional on getting the documentation. I see the CSD on the 14th and my doctor on the 20th. I really should have seen if I could have bumped my doc appt up so that I could have the documentation when I go to the CSD.

Even more good news came out of that appointment. I got a peek of my degree audit which has my marks for last semester (even though they aren't officially out until the 10th) and I got a D+ in Enviro Sci!!!! I needed a 4 avg in the two classes and since I had a 6 in the first one I only needed a 2 in this one. A D+ is a 3!!! Which means...I should be able to get into my second degree program for next year.

And still more good news...the last two or three days I have been feeling, dare I say, normal. I haven't had a normal phase for SOOOOOOOOO long. I have been continuously cycling for many many months. I forgot what normal was. I just know that I wasn't feeling either manic or depressed. I have had the odd moment but I think that was just the remenants (like a shadow or echo?) of the last phase. (Does that make sense?)

While I am slightly nervous about the rest of my appointments, especially since I don't have a pdoc and the "official" diagnosis, but I'm going to try not to worry. My doc is really good and I should have no problem getting him to write something up. I just hope it doesn't cost me too much to get all these letters and forms filled out.

It's going to be a long process but I'm going to go on as if the conditions were already in place - that means starting my essay and weekly paragraph assignments (on top of any reagular school work).

I'm going to do this. I have to. There is no choice left. Any more screw ups and it's all over.

Amanda/Schitz

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Avatar for schitz
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
Sat, 01-08-2005 - 2:01am

Just one more thing -

If anyone else has experience getting special accomodations for university or just having to get documentation for another reason, could you let me know. I just don't know how I'm going to ask my doc for it and especially don't know how I'm going to ask if he's going to put my diagnosis as bipolar or not. Should I just tell him to put the symptoms -mostly depression and anxiety - that specifically affected my performence in the course that I'm trying to get special accomodations for.

Amanda/Schitz

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
Sat, 01-08-2005 - 11:06am

Amanda/S,

I'm so happy for you! I'm doing a little happy dance! I would ask the doc to list both bp and the symptoms that would keep you from being able to preform. Don't be worried about asking him for the letter. Wheather they like to do it or not it's part of their job. My doc never charged me for this kind of paper work. I hope it works out the same for you. Congratulations on feeling normal.

Love,

Jamie

Love,

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Sat, 01-08-2005 - 1:35pm

Amanda,


That's wonderful news--I knew you could do it!

Avatar for schitz
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
Sat, 01-08-2005 - 2:34pm

Thank you everyone for the support you have given me through a very rough period (my FIRST mixed episode and that scared me). I hope now that I'm in a normal phase I can help everyone else just as much. Up until now I thought there was no such thing as a normal phase in bp but found out through research that it is - even if not medicated. I just thought I was abnormal with my constant cycling. At first I thought I was going manic again. My brain was clearing and I had all kinds of ideas and plans and was so happy and giddy it was unbelievable. Now I know I was ACTUALLY HAPPY! I hope it lasts. I'll try to be there for everyone as much as you have for me and I'll let you know how the next appointment goes (next friday, CSD -disability services).

Amanda/Schitz

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