triggs...long vent

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2004
triggs...long vent
3
Thu, 01-06-2005 - 12:26am

Could I please vent for a minute, because it's January, because it's me? I don't know why this is happening to me. Still, again, whatever. I'm sick of it.

The paxil website says it's supposed to help anxiety. Sure, some AD's don't, but it says right out that it is supposed to treat anxiety and depression and a whole bunch of other stuff. So after 8 wks of taking it, why do I still have panic attacks, and I'm talking every day. i've been fighting them all day today, I'm tired. Even the pharmaceutical companies are out to thwart me. I'm getting SO paranoid. It seems like everyone's out there laughing at how stupid I am. I posted this stupid paxil question on the depression board, and I swear they ignored my post on purpose. And everytime I post to someone to offere support, I feel bad because I can't take my own advice, so why should I talk to anyone, they'll only see through me anyway. And besides who want to be friends with a whiny redhead?

I just know that the snow we're getting is going to shut down my t's office. And she worked her scheduel just to get me in 2x this week. There's just no way I can wait a hwole week to see her. My hands are shaking again as I write this. And my pdoc... my 15 minute appointment? In 15 mintues what can he do for me? How do you all handle it? Am I supposed to run in with an index card or something and speed read off a list of all the reasons why my meds are NOT helping?

This is terrible. I'm so agitated, feel like a loser, I'm paranoid (at least I'm trying to make myself believe that it's paranoia, but it's hard to when I believe the thoughts are real!), hopeless. Even SI didn't calm me, and I can always count on that to help. What should I do now. I have so many bad thoughts running through my head. Bf is going to flip when he sees me tomorrow. Yeah, who gives him the right, but he's going to do a search for any new cuts. So what if he finds them. He only cares to so he can make me feel bad about myself. And how I have no right to feel like I do. He has NO idea what is going on in my head. I've tried to tell him, but he can't handle someone else being hurt too... he's too used to being the "poor thing". He thinks my one and only problem is the divorce. I want to scream... and tell him what I havfe to live with... the thoughts, the feelings... but I can't tell him... my secrets. So he'll never understand, and he'll always think I'm just overdramatic.

I'm not going to emergency phone my pdoc. Talk about feeling stupid... I swear the guy hates me as it is. Hospital is out of the question... I'm being monitored here anyway, don't want to give my mom any more reason to put me down for being weak, or being like my "crazy" aunts (yes, plural)... after all, they were that way because they were looking for attention... mom's words, NOT mine. She makes me feel so horrible... I loved my aunt, and miss her terribly... she was the only person that NEVER judged me...always loved me as I am. Why can't my mom be like that, and understand that I DO NOT FIND THIS FUN?! I don't make things up just to get attention, or to ruin her life, or to hurt or shame the family. WTF?! How can she be so selfish. She paid off the devil with her daughter's mind to maintain her "perfect" family.

Phew am I worked up. I think I'll try knocking myself otu with some Nyquil.

And thanks for the vent. I understand if noone even reads this or replies.

--Beth

Avatar for schitz
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
Thu, 01-06-2005 - 1:15am

Beth-

Vent all you want.

I understand what you are saying about the Paxil. When I was on it I was also having panic attacks constantly and I don't think the Paxil helped at all.

Everyone is not out to get you. I know it feels that way but keep reminding yourself that they aren't and hopefully you'll believe it eventually.

The 15 minute appointment is useless I agree. I seem to recall that's all I had with the pdoc when I was at ERMH. It's all I have with my family doc, who is all I have for now, since it'll be 6 months to get in to ERMH. I definately find that having a list is the best way to go into the appointment. Or, if you could leave a voice mail or email letting him know the problems before hand then you can just discuss them when he gets there and don't have to spend the time telling him.

I shouldn't say this and be a hippocrite, but SI doesn't really solve anything, except in my case to make me want to do it more. I have learned, although it's been a long and difficult process, to find other things to distract me and hope the urge goes away.

Both your mother and bf don't understand. It's true they can't. And if you really need to go to the hospital then you need to go and not listen to what your mother has told you about being weak.

Take care of yourself. Post often.

Love and hugs,
Amanda/Schitz

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
Thu, 01-06-2005 - 11:55am

Beth,

Hi! You said something that made me think...I always go into my pdocs office with a list of questions...Written on a note card. Okay maybe I'm weird. I start a new card as soon as I come home and list all my question and symtoms until the next time I go. Okay maybe I'm wierd but, it works for me. If your pdoc makes you feel stupid try calling him by his first name. I alway go by the theary that I'm paying him, he works for ME! I call the guy that mows my lawn in Texas by his first name so why not the pdoc. He works for me too. It levels the playing field. Try it. It can't hurt.

Don't ever worry about anybody here ignoring your posts. I can promise you (and not only for myself) that every word you Write will be read with compasion. We love you sweetheart.

The last part of the speach...Anytime you think your mom thinks you're weak, Just remember that this disease is NOT FOR COWARDS. If we were cowards we would never reach out for help and live in this disease. You can't be a coward and servive. As for your bf and mom not understanding you they may never. My mom and sister never have. My xh didn't either. He didn't want to.

Paxil I know nothing about. I'm sorry it's not working for you. It sound horrible what you're going through. I wish there was something I could do to help. Take care of you and know you're loved. You just keep right on venting!

Love,

Jamie

Love,

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Thu, 01-06-2005 - 1:55pm

Beth,


While Paxil does have some anti-anxiety effect, remember all meds don't work the same way for everybody & it's anti-anxiety formula may just not be sufficient and you need an additional anti-anxiety med.