could my son be bi-polar?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2005
could my son be bi-polar?
7
Sat, 01-08-2005 - 1:31pm
ok,time for the hard question. i'm new to ivillage,and came searching for information on how to deal with my adult son. it has occured to me before that he may be bi-polar,and now that i have found this site,perhaps i will learn something from you guys.any guidance you can give me will be greatly appreciated,i promise.
anyway... he is 25 and last winter was prescribed paxel for either depression or anxiety. i'm not sure what symptoms he brought to the doctor. he had an awful time with the paxel,and went off of it with,experiencing terrible mood swings and anger. he tells me that he was lucky to make it out alive. he had been in counseling in high school,and occasionally spoke of suicide at that time. i took it very seriousely,though i didn't truly believe that he wasn't being overly dramatic.
he is very bright and clever,but never did well in school.has trouble holding a job,and his only real work success has been when he spends a few weeks ,up to a couple of months working for a family member who provides housing for him when he is there.
he seems very adolescent to me at times,spent last summer telling me over and over that he was moving out west to re-unite with an old girlfriend and they were going to settle down and have kids right away. he was out there for less than two months before he came home,complaining about the job market andhousing. his "plan" was to "sofa surf" back home while he saved up some money to go back and try again.he worked just barely enough to buy a plane ticket back,and is leaving angry at me for refusing to loan him money to get through the holidays. i did not let him stay w/me,and he was angry about that,too.
he also has grandiose schemes that he loves to pressure me to fund,but never takes any other steps to move forward. the older he gets the more he reminds me of my father,who i believe was an undiagnosed bi-polar personality. the black moods and rages vs the complicated and fanciful schemes that he swings violently between really scare me. actually,they terrified me when i was child,and now it makes me sick to think that my son may share this trait.
on the other hand,maybe he's justa spoiled,immature slacker who needs to get over himself. can anyone help me?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2004
Sat, 01-08-2005 - 2:23pm
Sounds like he definitely has some issues to get resolved. I'm really glad you are trying to take steps to help him. Unfortunately that is going to be pretty difficult because of his age. If he was underage, you could make him go see a doctor. As it stands now, I would try to convince him to go to his primary care doctor first. He/She can talk to him and have him fill out some questionnaires that will help with a diagnosis. Then he can be referred to a psychiatrist if needed. You can also find some questionnaires on the internet that will help point you in the right direction. I found on on webmd at one point. Try searching for mental health evaluation or mental health questionnaire. Another option is to contact his doctor (if he has one) and tell him/her your concerns. They won't be able to tell you if he actually gets seen or what the outcome is but at the very least a note could be put in his chart to talk about it at the next appointment. He isn't going to like you "interfering". He's going to be angry and he will probably say some nasty things. Many people live in denial about their problems. They think their behavior is normal and to him it may BE normal, but you know he needs help. When I first went to the doctor I was prescribed anti depressants. They didn't work, they made me manic (miserable, excited, happy, anxious, panic attacks, thought I could control everything and nothing all at the same time). It was awful. Kind of sounds like his reaction. Please try to sit down and talk to him before he leaves. I know it will be extremely difficult but you need to try to convince him to get help. Since he isn't holding down a job, I assume he doesn't have insurance. If I were you,I would search the web for public assistance in your state or I would plan to pay the bill myself. It is a small price to pay for keeping your son safe and healthy. Best of luck. Amanda
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
Sat, 01-08-2005 - 4:25pm

Hi!

I agree with Amanda that you should talk to him. If you had time I'd say wait for a good time but, since your time is limited there may not be one. He is going to be mad at you most likely.

I can't tell you if he's bipolar or not. I can tell you a little about my story at his age. I was living in Germany not supporting myself. I went there with no money. My live in boy friend (that I vound over there)was supporting me. I did nothing. I decided to do Mary Kay at one point and was going to make a fortune!!!! I started to school to be a para legal dropped out. I could list more schemes but, you get the idea. I have a very high IQ but almost failed out of High School. I've never been able to hold on to a job for longer than a few months. Even though I am smart, I have not ever had a career type job. Always meanial (I still can't spell) labor or fast food. I had a terrible problem with anger, confusion, fear, and thinking I was 10 foot tall and bullet proof. It's not a fun way to live. I hope this helps. I am bp.

Can I tell you if your son is bp. No. I'm not a doc. Do I think he maybe...yes. His story is too close to mine for me to denie it.

I wish I could give you some words to say to him. It's tough I know. Thanks for posting looking forward to seeing you here again.

Love,

Jamie

Love,

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
Sat, 01-08-2005 - 4:28pm

I forgot to tell you something. My parents did not support me at all! I tell you this because in my case it probibly saved my life. I had to face reality or be on the streets. I'm not trying to tell you how to handle your son. I'm just telling you what worked for me.

Love,

Jamie

Love,

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2002
Sat, 01-08-2005 - 7:44pm

I agree that suz's son may be bipolar (of course, I'm not a doc either), but I do not agree that cutting off from support is always the answer. In my own life, I lost a job I held for two years because of excessive absences due to bipolar problems such as hospitalizations, and my family thought I was just goldbricking. It so happened that in '99 I was seeing a pdoc who was a kook himself and took me off mood stabilizers. After six months of that, I went into a bad manic episode, and that was when I lost the job. My parents believed this pdoc hook, line, and sinker and thought I was being mouthy and difficult on purpose. They kicked me out on the street. It so happened that a friend took me in for six weeks while I got back on meds and back on my feet. It also so happened that during those six weeks, I had a grandiose scheme that something actually came of: I applied to a grad school program, and was accepted, earning my degree two years later. To this day, my folks congratulate themselves for kicking me out on the street so I could "wise up." I disagree that this was the secret to my success. I think that if that friend hadn't taken me in and helped me, living in a homeless shelter would have presented me with a lack of options I wouldn't have had the strength to overcome.

This is just my story. But, I would like anyone who is trying the "tough love" approach to consider it.

Express!
Beth "Petrouchka"

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
Sat, 01-08-2005 - 7:55pm

Beth P.

I'm sorry if I offended you. Like I stated in my post it's just my story.

Love,

Jamie

Love,

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Sat, 01-08-2005 - 11:49pm

Suz,


While some of what your son is going through could just be a plain refusal to grow up, too things sprang out at me--your suspicions about

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2005
Sun, 01-09-2005 - 8:43am
oh you guys,i don't know if i should be terrified or elated!! these two emotions are battling it out in me right now. i'm afraid of a diagnosis that will confirm my suspicions,and also thrilled that he may be able to get help and become a happy and productive man.
i don't know how to talk to him right now, but i also know that we won't be estranged for too long. for the first time ever in our lives i have drawn a line in the sand,and i don't know if backing down now would be the right thing. and to clarify,,i did let him and his girlfriend stay with me the week before christmas,,as my mom had fallen and was also staying with me,and having us all there was really nice. he was upbeat for the first few days,but toward the end of their stay,he reverted to his usual unpleasant and resentful self. the day before christmas he told me that he needed $$ for shopping,and he became beligerant and angry when i suggested that he could have thought about that before the morning of december 24th. he concluded the call w/a "f--- you,merry christmas",and i have'nt spoken to him since. he has shown up since with christmas presents for all,including me,but i really feel like if i make the first move than he'll know that it's ok to treat me like that.in the meantime,he tells my mom(w/ whom he is very close) that he never said what he said,and that i'm just being unreasonable. of course,i wonder how close they'd be if she didn't give him $$ and let him use her car,,behaviour which i've tried to get her to stop,as it's not doing him any good to be dependant on her,either.
anyway,thank you so very much for taking the time to read through all of this. i tried to reply to this 3 times last night,but couldn't find the words. i am feeling more hopeful for him today,,though who ever would have dreamed that a possible diagnosis of a mental illness could make me feel better about him!!! guess it's because since he was a little boy,,teachers and his dad have told him and me that he was lazy and unmotivated. i have always known that he can and will do whatever he makes up his mind to do,,but he's so determined to do it his way. basically he's been non-compliant most of his life. my son's dad has basically washed his hands of him,,not a good reflection,you know.
i'm now anxiuos to get him tested,,i'll let you know how it turns out. again,,thankyou.