Hi...not doing so well (poss trigs)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Hi...not doing so well (poss trigs)
13
Wed, 01-12-2005 - 7:35pm

Hi, you all...I'm hesitant to post since I've mainly been lurking, but the way things are going I'm a little worried that I may need to start! I don't even know what to say...but my recent depression has seemed to get worse lately, until today I noticed myself getting very angry, frustrated, painfully sad about various things (maybe "agitated" is the right word)...so much so that I literally thought I'd have to walk out of a lecture because I couldn't manage to sit still and feel that way any longer...I did make it through, though, and even without giving myself a migraine! I had to keep tapping my feet and digging my nails into my skin to handle it, though.

But it worries me a little...people who know me would say I wouldn't even hurt a fly, and I never curse, but just recently the phrase most often in my head has been "get out of my (expletive) way!" at people around me...fortunately I've been able to keep from saying it out loud (so far). And a little while ago I even started seeing bright spots, almost like when I have a migraine, but kind of little halos around things...that only happened before when I was starting to go into a bad time.

I don't know what I'm saying...I just find "this" hard to bear, even though I'm not even sure what "this" is or why I'm in pain. I have an appointment with my pdoc/therapist (same person) on Friday...I'd actually been thinking I would stop seeing her because I'd been "OK" (just depressed as usual) for a while, and I didn't want to try any new meds, and I don't really think her therapy is helpful (talking about childhood feelings, etc). The main reason is that going to see her is so stressful, with the long drive in traffic (which makes me panic), having to miss classes occasionally to go, feeling like it takes up my whole day, etc.

But she is the only therapist available on my insurance. I haven't seen her in a while, but last time she mentioned maybe having me try Depakote or Tegretol (partly to prevent my weekly migraines as well)...but I wanted to wait until my final exams were over...and mainly I didn't want to add yet another med with the possibility of bad side effects. Reading about Depakote, I just don't think I could deal with the significant weight gain it can cause...one of my "issues" already, I guess.

Oops, my fingers are flying so fast that I already typed way too much! I am just trying to find a way to make it through this...the urges to hurt myself, or at least kick and tear at SOMETHING, are so strong, and I keep getting images (not hallucinations, though!) that are the only thing that seem to relieve the pain.

Just lately I've started to feel like I'm doing the wrong thing with my life...wondering what I've done by starting med school...I like what I'm learning, but so much of it (the people aspect, mainly) is so difficult and awkward and maybe even unsuited for me...but then again, I only started feeling this way strongly the past few days, so I'm going to try to wait and see if it passes before making any drastic decisions.

OK, guess that's all from here...not sure how this mood change happened within the last day or two...well, I guess it started a while ago, but less noticeably...I have been posting on the Depression board as well a little bit, but once again this has me worried that that may not be the only thing going on. I don't know if this is depression plus anxiety or more along the lines of some kind of hypomania, but whatever it is, I don't like it!

Thanks so much for listening, hope you all are OK,

Rose

Edit: then again, thinking about it, I guess this mood was already underway last night...I ended up taking a tiny dose of Ambien just to let myself calm down a little at bedtime...I'll probably need to do that again if I want any sleep...




Edited 1/12/2005 7:38 pm ET ET by rosa444

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2004
Wed, 01-12-2005 - 7:50pm

Rose,


I'm sorry you're having a tough time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
Wed, 01-12-2005 - 9:07pm

Hi Rose,

I too am glad you unlurked. Welcome! (I forgot to say it before) I'm glad you have an appointment with your pdoc coming up.

Like Morgaine said there's lots you can do with out having to deal with people. My first thought was research. Don't limit yourself or do anything you might regret while cycleing. I'm sure you already know that but I'd never forgive myself if I didn't say it and you changed something while you cycleing

I was on depakote and just took up running and kept the weight off. It's not that bad on a low dose and it can really help your headache and those light flash or haloes that your experienceing. (You can do a little portion controll and you'll be okay. The trick is not to put it on in the first place.) I realize this isn't a medical term but, it's your brain misfireing. It can be fixed. You sound like a strong person making it this far in school and being bp. You deserve all the help that's out there. Their is no cure right now but there's alot that can help.

(in case you haven't noticed I can't spell never have been able to. Made it to my mid twenties barely being able to read. Yes I graduated high school that way and got an associates degree. Go figure.)

Love to you,

Jamie

Love,

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Wed, 01-12-2005 - 11:08pm

Rose,


That anger you feel could be part of a BP rage--I can have it when I'm manic--way TOO readily; but it sometimes rears it's ugly little head when I'm depressed and frustrated.


I understand about the hassles going to a tdoc can entail--I took a bus for an hour and half one way (an they really work on my last nerve--claustrophobia/panic attacks), but in the end it's worth it.

Avatar for schitz
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
Thu, 01-13-2005 - 1:30am

Welcome out of the shadows. Don't ever feel like you shouldn't post.

I know it's tough but you need to see the pdoc.

I also agree with the others, don't make any important decisions right now that you might regret.

Keep us updated.

Hugs,

Amanda/Schitz

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 01-13-2005 - 1:36pm

Morgaine, thanks so much...your email made me feel a little better. About the people aspect of med school, it's not so much that I want to avoid people, more that I am so anxious and awkward around them that I end up feeling worse about myself. Also, I was pre-vet through most of college, and I keep wondering lately if I should have taken that path...I'm much better with animals than I am with people, and I really miss being around animals too.

Thanks for sharing your experience with Depakote...I hope that if I do end up going on it, I'll have a similar success. I have a lot of "issues" with eating and my weight (not a full-blown eating disorder, but definitely issues), so I feel like gaining even a little weight would be hard for me...but I may have to at least give the med a try and hope that I don't gain too much.

Interesting that your hypomania is also this kind of irritation. Oddly enough, this is probably one of the lowest-stress times of the semester for me...we don't have exams for another month at least...so I wonder why I could be so anxious. I've tried tranquilizers in the past, and they've helped, but this pdoc seemed reluctant to prescribe anything when I told her I had trouble sleeping...she did give me a few pills of Ambien, though.

The sleep is another thing I just noticed...up until recently, I was dragging through the day after 8 hours of sleep, needing caffeinated drinks even to make it through class, and falling asleep for several hours again after lectures (felt like I just "hit a wall" and couldn't stay awake)...I kind of thought something might be wrong with me! I slept from 6 PM to 8 AM one day...14 hours...and I could probably have done that most days.

But now I'm perfectly awake with no soda or naps...I had to take some Ambien last night to get any sleep at all...and even then, I think I only slept from 3 to 7 AM or something like that. Still feeling hyper today and angry and generally not good...a little less desperate though, fortunately...is it possible for a mood to kind of evolve, like from agitated and depressed to just hyper?!

Hm, also I'm hungry a lot of the time...when before, I had no appetite when I was depressed...

Thanks again for the post...I really appreciate it,

Rose




Edited 1/13/2005 1:44 pm ET ET by rosa444
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 01-13-2005 - 1:43pm

Thanks so much, Jamie...I needed to hear that there are still things I can do with my life (and a medical degree) if the people part gets too overwhelming. These major doubts of mine have just come up recently, though...really since my mood changed...so as you said, I will try to put off making any irreversible decisions right now. Yesterday all of a sudden I was ready just to drop out of school...but I'm hanging in there.

I'm glad you also have had good luck with Depakote...I guess I may have to give it a try. I do exercise regularly already, and it would be hard to fit much more into my schedule, but I could work on figuring something out to manage any weight gain. It is helpful to think of this as maybe my brain just misfiring and not some huge personal flaw of mine...though I still have my doubts!

Sorry for not mentioning it in my original post, but I still have yet to hear a pdoc tell me straight out that I'm bipolar. I've posted about this so much here that I don't want to beat a dead horse...but even though several pdocs have suggested it, and one even put me on lithium for a while, and now this one is considering Depakote mainly for my "major mood swings," as she put it...I guess either my pdocs aren't quite sure, or I'm not quite ready to accept it yet...I tend to think it's the former.

Thanks again so much...nice to "meet" you,

Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2003
Thu, 01-13-2005 - 4:06pm

Hey Rose,

Gosh, everything you've posted sounds like what I feel... I am not "technically" bi-polar, they call me cyclothymic... same symptoms as BP, just slightly milder (but no less irritating) I too, can sometimes sleep 12 hours and still be dragging my rear all day, this goes on for a while, then sometimes I can't fall asleep at all. Racing thoughts keep me up most of the time. I too feel awkward in groups of people and have trouble with my weight and self-esteem. I guess the only difference between BP and cyclothymia is the absence of a major manic episode and cyclothimics cycle more rapidly (in general) than most BPs (we can cycle around in the same day, sometimes more than once).

I've never tried Depakote because I was a afraid of the weight gain also. I've recently tried Abilify... which seems to work a bit (not 100%) but it is WAY expensive and I'm trying to go without right now (not really working for me so well, but hey, it was worth a shot!)

It's not 'you'! It is definitely something misfiring in our brains.

I don't have any good advice, as I am struggling also. I guess just knowing that you're not alone maybe helps?

Cat

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 01-13-2005 - 4:23pm

Thanks so much, Marci...your post wasn't too harsh at all. I will work on convincing myself that I need to see this pdoc...the doubts keep coming up in my mind, of course, but I think I will at least try to keep going.

Your comment about psychiatrists made me smile...I know I've seen my share of people like that! I hope I'm not that bad...just shy and socially anxious...but lately, my mood along with a lot of other things about me has seemed to change...I've been very talkative today and haven't felt anxious...actually, I just asked a guy I like if he'd like to go out for a walk with me, which I would NEVER do normally...hmmm...so we'll see...

Thanks again,

Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 01-13-2005 - 4:25pm

Thanks, Cat...it really does help to know that I'm not alone in this. You do sound a lot like me...no doctor has mentioned cyclothymia to me yet, although I have heard of it...I guess maybe because I've had some (well, a lot of) major depressive episodes? I'm not quite sure how that diagnosis works.

Thanks again for posting...it was comforting to hear that there is someone else going through a similar experience...although I wish neither of us had to!

Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2004
Thu, 01-13-2005 - 8:43pm

I love Ambien.

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