Hi...not doing so well (poss trigs)
Find a Conversation
| Wed, 01-12-2005 - 7:35pm |
Hi, you all...I'm hesitant to post since I've mainly been lurking, but the way things are going I'm a little worried that I may need to start! I don't even know what to say...but my recent depression has seemed to get worse lately, until today I noticed myself getting very angry, frustrated, painfully sad about various things (maybe "agitated" is the right word)...so much so that I literally thought I'd have to walk out of a lecture because I couldn't manage to sit still and feel that way any longer...I did make it through, though, and even without giving myself a migraine! I had to keep tapping my feet and digging my nails into my skin to handle it, though.
But it worries me a little...people who know me would say I wouldn't even hurt a fly, and I never curse, but just recently the phrase most often in my head has been "get out of my (expletive) way!" at people around me...fortunately I've been able to keep from saying it out loud (so far). And a little while ago I even started seeing bright spots, almost like when I have a migraine, but kind of little halos around things...that only happened before when I was starting to go into a bad time.
I don't know what I'm saying...I just find "this" hard to bear, even though I'm not even sure what "this" is or why I'm in pain. I have an appointment with my pdoc/therapist (same person) on Friday...I'd actually been thinking I would stop seeing her because I'd been "OK" (just depressed as usual) for a while, and I didn't want to try any new meds, and I don't really think her therapy is helpful (talking about childhood feelings, etc). The main reason is that going to see her is so stressful, with the long drive in traffic (which makes me panic), having to miss classes occasionally to go, feeling like it takes up my whole day, etc.
But she is the only therapist available on my insurance. I haven't seen her in a while, but last time she mentioned maybe having me try Depakote or Tegretol (partly to prevent my weekly migraines as well)...but I wanted to wait until my final exams were over...and mainly I didn't want to add yet another med with the possibility of bad side effects. Reading about Depakote, I just don't think I could deal with the significant weight gain it can cause...one of my "issues" already, I guess.
Oops, my fingers are flying so fast that I already typed way too much! I am just trying to find a way to make it through this...the urges to hurt myself, or at least kick and tear at SOMETHING, are so strong, and I keep getting images (not hallucinations, though!) that are the only thing that seem to relieve the pain.
Just lately I've started to feel like I'm doing the wrong thing with my life...wondering what I've done by starting med school...I like what I'm learning, but so much of it (the people aspect, mainly) is so difficult and awkward and maybe even unsuited for me...but then again, I only started feeling this way strongly the past few days, so I'm going to try to wait and see if it passes before making any drastic decisions.
OK, guess that's all from here...not sure how this mood change happened within the last day or two...well, I guess it started a while ago, but less noticeably...I have been posting on the Depression board as well a little bit, but once again this has me worried that that may not be the only thing going on. I don't know if this is depression plus anxiety or more along the lines of some kind of hypomania, but whatever it is, I don't like it!
Thanks so much for listening, hope you all are OK,
Rose
Edit: then again, thinking about it, I guess this mood was already underway last night...I ended up taking a tiny dose of Ambien just to let myself calm down a little at bedtime...I'll probably need to do that again if I want any sleep...
Edited 1/12/2005 7:38 pm ET ET by rosa444

Pages
Hi Rose.
Firstly I found it interesting that you don't eat when you're depressed and do when you're (hypo?)manic. I'm the opposite. I binge all day when I'm depressed and need little to get by when I'm manic. I was wondering what everyone else's habits are like.
Secondly, you're right about not being cyclothymic because of major depressive episodes. Basically cyclothymia is a combo of dysthymia and hypomania. (Dysthymia is a chronic "mild" depression, mild at least according to the know it alls who publish the DSM-IV who probably haven't experienced any of it in their lives. But I digress. My diagnosis was originally dysthymia and BPD (borderline PD, not bipolar). I fit the criteria for major depression but because it had been over 2 yrs they called me dysthymic. Looking back and starting to look at my moods currently I can see that I wasn't really depressed all that time, but was at the time of the diagnosis and when I'm depressed sometimes I feel like that's all I've ever been and all I ever will be.
Hugs,
Amanda
Thanks, Morgaine...your posts have been so helpful to me. I've also had at least 2 pdocs apply the term "bipolar tendencies" to me...like you, I think I'm OK with that as long as I can get treated. But my appointment today with the pdoc made me completely question whether I have any mental problem at all except for my own hang-ups about my past! I wrote a pretty long reply to Keli about that in my post about "The world conspiring against me"...
Thanks also for the comment about caffeine...I think I should work on giving that up as well. I never drank caffeine until this school year, but so far it has been the only thing that has kept me half-awake at least for lectures. I've had the problem of being very sleepy during the daytime for so long...early in college, a pdoc of mine actually prescribed me stimulants for it, even though I'm not ADD (Adderal and Concerta), and I took those for months, until I couldn't deal with the side effects anymore.
I almost wondered if I had some sleep disorder, as that pdoc suggested I might...even this year, every day by 4 or 5 PM, I suddenly become so exhausted that I can't stay awake to save my life. That's why it's so odd to me that I have been actually awake these past few days! I normally get about 8 hours of sleep but still can't stay awake the next day. I know that caffeine is not a good solution, though...maybe if I cut back on it, I'll be able to sleep better at night.
Thanks again,
Rose
Thanks so much, Amanda...that is kind of strange about our opposite habits! I'm not sure how most people are...but I hope this new appetite of mine will get under control soon...I have eaten literally 3 or 4 lunches today because I was so hungry...I don't need to gain THAT much weight!
Thanks also for clarifying the cyclothymia diagnosis...I thought I'd heard something similar before. I was also once tentatively diagnosed with borderline PD, but I don't think it's necessarily applicable to me.
I can so relate to what you said about not being depressed all the time, but when you are depressed, feeling like that's all you ever have felt or will feel. That's absolutely me in a nutshell! It was good to hear that thought expressed, even though I wish you didn't feel this way because I know it is no fun!
Thanks again, hope you are doing well,
Rose
Pages