World conspiring against me...joking...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
World conspiring against me...joking...
2
Fri, 01-14-2005 - 1:06am

As the title says, I'm just joking...kind of! Thanks for all the responses and helpful suggestions to my last post, by the way. I probably mentioned how I've had to call to cancel every appointment my psychiatrist has made for me recently because of my class schedule...the last time I saw her was several weeks before Christmas.

But just now...I rarely drive my car, but it has always been reliable...so I offered to drop a friend of mine off this evening. When he got out, we realized his door wouldn't close...finally decided maybe the latch is broken...so I had to limp home holding onto the door handle, and finally tied it with a scarf to keep it half-closed! My car has never had any problems like this before.

But I'd finally rescheduled my pdoc appointment for tomorrow...and I was so amazed that I finally had a time that would fit my schedule. But now it looks like I'll have to miss that one as well...when I really feel like I need it...I guess maybe *someone* out there just doesn't want me to go to my pdoc?!

But honestly I'm not too upset...still have the hyper energy, but don't care much at this point...it's just kind of funny. I am looking around to see about the possibility of taking the city subway and bus system to the appointment, and it may be doable. Still, I almost wonder if I should just give up the idea of therapy in general! Oh well...

Hope tomorrow is a good day for you all,

Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 01-14-2005 - 12:32pm

Hey Rose...I really hope you went to your pdoc appt.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 01-14-2005 - 5:49pm

--Possible triggers---

Thank you so much, Keli...I needed to hear that! I did make it to my pdoc appointment (figured out the bus system!), but I'm not very happy with how it went. Once again, we spent most of it talking about my feelings toward my sister, although I kept trying to emphasize that I didn't think she was playing a big part in my problems now. I guess it's very possible that she is, though, especially since my pdoc definitely thinks so.

We did figure out that maybe I feel so self-destructive and upset because I have a lot of anger that I'm trying to hide from...later on, she mentioned it could be more like rage, which I guess may be true. I asked her repeatedly how I can deal with this, when it feels so completely overwhelming and horrible...she gave some suggestions (punching a pillow, exercising, etc), but nothing that I haven't thought of or tried before. Once again, I left feeling utterly hopeless.

I realize once again that I probably should give up the high hopes I have for each pdoc appointment...I guess I am looking for a quick answer that doesn't exist. Oddly enough (in my view), the pdoc didn't mention meds once...and I was at least planning to ask her about mood stabilizers for my migraines, if for nothing else...but she kept focusing on how I need to recognize my feelings, about being the "inferior" twin in my family, etc.

That's probably true...it just didn't seem to help. I asked her what I should do if I can't handle facing my feelings (since my feelings have gotten me put in the hospital before)...I didn't get what I felt was a satisfying answer. Then again, I should know that there are none of those for these kinds of questions.

So I made it home, crying...and then gulped down a snack-size (well, more like meal-size) bag of cookies after I'd already had 3 lunches (I wish I knew why I'm so starving all of a sudden!)...and tried to pull it together a bit. I'm actually supposed to call some artists with mental illness to ask them if they'd like to participate again in an art show here at my school...how ironic...I do art as well (photography) but haven't yet told a soul here about my problems, and the stigma is too much for me to do so.

And I am supposed to go watch a movie with friends tonight...I've become a lot more social these last few days! It's very bizarre to me, though, this mix of wanting to socialize, but also feeling bursts of rage toward anyone and anything (especially myself)...I have been almost consumed by thoughts that I just can't handle this anymore.

Thanks so much, again...if you have any advice, of course I'd be happy to hear it. Hope you're doing OK...I'm sorry to hear you've been cycling so much...that is what it feels like I've been doing as well, but I guess not since my pdoc didn't mention that...is it possible to change moods (well, at least a change from hyper/happy to hyper/angry) in a day or so? Oh well, I guess really I should work on facing my feelings...I'm just so sick of this.

Rose