Ahhhhhh! Ok thanks needed that! pos trig

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
Ahhhhhh! Ok thanks needed that! pos trig
7
Mon, 01-17-2005 - 5:13pm

I so don't know what is up with my moods. Yesterday and today I've been all over the place. I am a rapid cycler, but not that rapid. I went from the verge of tears this morning and hurting myself in the middle of class and not caring if anyone saw me (using a safety pin off my bag, how smart is that?) Also did it on the back of my hand where it is pretty visible. I guess I really didn't care. Then I jumped to super hyper scrambled restless talkative me it seemed in an instant. I spent about 20 minutes pacing back and forth in the lounge because I just had to move. I wanted to run but I had nowhere to run to plus I know that my lungs aren't ready for that. Then I collapsed to the ground in tears. I feel so unreal today. Like I'm floating. Everything seems kind of hazy like it's a dream. I must be in a parallel dimension overlaping the main one. During my pacing people were trying to talk to me but I was off in my thoughts and they were all over. But after that I seriously disappeared. I felt like the ghost of Christmas past. Everyone was there and it was like I wasn't they couldn't see me or anything. They sounded miles away. Thus I'm convinced of this alternate reality or something. Before the pacing I was jumping around and hollaring and I heard myself scream like it was someone else and I was surprised at myself, but couldn't make me stop....more credance to the alternate reality theory? I feel like I lost control although I don't remember much of the specifics because my brain was all over the place. But I feel embarassed that I didn't have control of myself.

I don't know if there is a point in there or if I didn't make one but I can't make any more sense of it than that.

Amanda

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Registered: 12-20-2004
Mon, 01-17-2005 - 7:30pm

Amanda,

Your post make sense to anyone who is bp. You disassociated (sp?). It happens when our meds are off sometimes or when we are unmedicated. It's a pretty scary and dangerous place to be. I have no words of wisdom because it's so long until you can get into a doc. You really need to get into see someone. You are waiting on getting into the student clinic right? You have a 6 month wait?

I can understand your embarassment. It's not you fault though. You have a nasty disease. Diabetics in insulin shock can do some pretty crazy and unpredictable thing they don't understand afterwards. I'm just sorry your episode was in public.

{{{{{{Big Hugs}}}}}}}

I wish I had something smart to say but...Take care of you.

Love,

Jamie

Love,

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Mon, 01-17-2005 - 10:07pm

Amanda,


It's probably no real comfort, but I've been there done that too.

Avatar for schitz
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Registered: 02-06-2004
Mon, 01-17-2005 - 11:35pm

Thank you Jamie and Marci,

Just to warn you my post may be all over the place and not flow very well because I am replying to much of what was said. Sorry.

I'm feeling a little more grounded now, actually I'm on the downswing again. I want to burst into tears. grrr. I hate this. It's too fast. Yesterday my mood changed 9 times. Today 4 times. As opposed to cycling monthly this is nuts. Yes I am basically unmedicated. I am taking Wellbutrin, but no mood stabilizer. I won't give that up even without the mood stabilizer because I quit smoking (exactly 23 1/2 hr ago) and so far it's been easy but I think that may be because of the meds so I don't want to stop. Yes it definately was scary, kind of like my last episode which was mixed. What is up with my last episodes being more severe than ever and so different from my regular cycles? I see my family doc on Thursday, but yes I am waiting 6 months to get into the community mental health clinic. If I had money or coverage I'd look at private practice but I don't. Maybe I should try the campus health there is supposedly a psychotherapist on hand, but I really don't know what that would do for me as I don't think he can prescribe drugs like a pdoc. You know insulin shock makes more sense to me than this but I guess it's much the same, thanks for the analogy. There is nothing I can do about my episode being in public, I'm home very little. I have school, work, so I'm out in public. I'm trying not to let this rule my life but it sure feels like it sometimes. I can't get into the clinic for emergency because I'm not a patient (yet, and again). If I was a patient still/again then they could probably squeeze me in for an emergency but I'm not. I nearly went to the ER during that mixed stage because I was suicidal but unlike normal depressive phases I was not lethargic and could try something. I managed not to. Now I've of course stepped back and have resumed my position of "I'm too busy to put everything on hold and go to the hospital". Ah well, if I get another episode like this I may reconsider. Or, if the SI gets bad again.

I hate this - first a mixed state which was new and strange and scary and now this? I've never had many mini episodes within a day. It doesn't make any sense to me.

Is there anyone out there with this ultra rapid cycling type?

I feel so alone. I felt connected and like I was starting to get my illness and wham I'm in the dark again.

Amanda

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Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 01-18-2005 - 8:52am

Amanda,


Your day sounds like my entired weekend!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
Tue, 01-18-2005 - 4:25pm

Amanda,

I started out as a predictable bp. You could set your clock by my 3 month cycles. The last time I went off my meds I had progressed to rapid cycling and mixed states. It's what scared me on my meds and taking them regularly.

Why don't you try the Tdoc. She may have some strings to pull at the psyc. clinic. It can't hurt to try. I just want to see you feeling better sooner than 6 months. It can't hurt to go tell her what's going on and have it on record.

I'm glad you're feeling a little bit better. Take care of you.

Love,

Jamie

Love,

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2004
Tue, 01-18-2005 - 7:00pm

Amanda,


I'm sorry you're having such a hard time right now.

Avatar for schitz
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
Tue, 01-18-2005 - 11:55pm

Thanks everyone,

I was so unsure how I would feel today and while it's not great I haven't had so many episodes like the last two days but I still feel out of it and can't concentrate on anything. That sucks since these are the only 3 days I have time to do anything and now they are gone.

Crying today :( I feel lost and alone. This too shall pass (or so they say).

Jamie, I'm glad I'm not the only one whose bp has changed from predictable to rapid cycling and mixed. I was starting to feel like I wasn't a "normal" bp lol.

I don't have a tdoc Jamie, so not much I can do.

Morgaine, I definately will try to get my doc to agree to a mood stabilizer just need to get the nerve to speak up. Maybe I'll just put it on my progress report. It's just there's so much I already need to update him on. I think I better get 1/2 hr appts from now on.

Gotta work tomorrow which has me dreading the day coming. I don't know why it has me so anxious except for the little cuts, scratches really, on the back of my hand. I don't want customers to say something, like it's not sanitary or something, even though they are closed. I also don't want one of my coworkers to see them who knows and is going to smack me lol...although every time it comes up she has to tell me how bad her sister/cousin/whoever had it. Argh I hate that. Like mine aren't bad enough so they don't mean anything.

Going to cry again, and scream maybe.

Amanda

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