Where to go from here? trigs

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Where to go from here? trigs
9
Tue, 01-18-2005 - 11:24pm

Hi again, let me know if I'm posting too much. I've been so incredibly down lately but don't feel like I can talk about it with anyone...I don't want my parents to worry, and I'm not sure I can trust anyone at school with my problems. I do have a psychiatrist who does therapy with me, but I'm so frustrated with her strategy...she thinks I need to recognize, and talk about, my childhood feelings and how they persist now...but I have done that for years with therapists with little results.

And for a while she was suggesting trying new meds, but now seems to be more focused on the childhood feelings aspect. Besides, I don't know what she could give me...I've been on almost all the antidepressants, and I'm not sure that a mood stabilizer would help this depression either.

Basically I've just been feeling desperately down, like I can hardly stand to be in my skin. Especially at night...recently, I even took to inflicting (minor) physical pain on myself to try to cope. Tonight I'm finally feeling slightly less agitated, but still so hopeless, with nothing to look forward to. I'm glad I'm at least a little calmer, since I was, even this morning, very close to calling my pdoc and just begging her to help me somehow.

I guess I'm just beginning to resign myself to feeling this way, since I don't know what else to do. I've been trying to use the mindfulness techniques I learned with a former therapist just to make it through the day, but even so, I think about harming myself a lot of the time, although I'm not planning on doing so. My schoolwork is suffering very badly...I don't seem to care much anymore and don't even try to keep up...although at least I have made it to most of my classes...but that's it.

I'm so sorry if I keep writing similar posts and never getting anywhere...I just feel like I've reached kind of a stopping point. If I'm not seriously planning on harming myself, my psychiatrist doesn't seem to want to take any quick action...and sharing my problems with my friends seems like it would inevitably do more harm than good (since I don't know anyone too well and would scare them off). As I said, I've even kept this from my parents since I don't want to worry them needlessly, since they live across the country and can't do much for me.

So I thought I'd post here...thank you all for understanding, and if anybody has a suggestion of what I could do to start to feel better, I would be glad to hear it. Already I've started to feel like "this isn't real" lately...I guess I'm just so depressed I hardly feel like I'm living.

Sorry to be such a downer,

Rose

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Registered: 10-23-2004
Tue, 01-18-2005 - 11:38pm

Rose,


I know what its like to have a tdoc who just isn't helping.

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 01-19-2005 - 12:17am

Thanks very much, Morgaine...I'm glad I'm not the only one who has felt that I've spent enough time on childhood issues. It's true that I haven't been with this particular psychiatrist/therapist for long at all...but I have seen others in the past and discussed similar things.

I have heard of something like what you describe with the "solution-based" therapy. I actually started out seeing a counselor at my school who seemed to do that kind of therapy...but the ironic/sad part is that she referred me to my current pdoc because she said I had bigger "issues" or medication needs than she was used to handling! At least she was honest, though.

And I guess I didn't mention in this last post that this pdoc is the only one available on my student insurance. There are 3 others...one is the counselor who said she couldn't help me, and one is another psychiatrist who isn't accepting new patients this year. I used to see the third one, but she didn't do therapy, so I switched to my current one... probably a bad decision.

Sorry it sounds so complicated...I guess it is! Part of the reason I feel so hopeless is that I have seen so many therapists and pdocs (this year, and in the past), and I still feel this way. I know I have gone through periods of feeling "up" and good, but lately I can't imagine that I ever felt that way...and it seems like this is how I will continue to feel. And the fact that I haven't improved after seeing these pdocs tells me that the problem is with me, not with the pdocs...I know they all can't be bad at their profession!

That's interesting to me that your depression got better with a mood stabilizer...good to know there may still be some options open to me.

Thanks again so much for your post...it helps a lot just to know that someone understands,

Rose

Avatar for schitz
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Registered: 02-06-2004
Wed, 01-19-2005 - 12:20am

"I guess I'm just beginning to resign myself to feeling this way, since I don't know what else to do. I've been trying to use the mindfulness techniques I learned with a former therapist just to make it through the day, but even so, I think about harming myself a lot of the time, although I'm not planning on doing so. My schoolwork is suffering very badly...I don't seem to care much anymore and don't even try to keep up...although at least I have made it to most of my classes...but that's it."

You sound like me! Keep trying. You can get through this. Making it to most of your classes is a great accomplishment in my books.

I know it can seem frustrating to try yet another med but it takes a while to find the right ones in the right combo. (Not looking forward to that aspect myself).

I think the therapy Morgaine mentioned is CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) or a form of it. (Other forms are DBT, REBT and RLT).

As for the self harm, I want you to start analyzing these impulses. What is going on at the time? What am I feeling? What would I be trying to communicate through SI?

Believe me, if you are new to SI you don't want to get trapped in it. My arms look horrible now and most of the scars are already years old. I am so self conscious and have not worn short sleeves in 8-10 years (for the most part). I even wear long sleeves in the summer. I don't know what I'm going to do as a teacher, a parent, or even now as a girl guide leader. Think about how you'd explain that to a child. (and believe me parents aren't too sympathetic to the idea).

Keep posting. I want to know what's happening with you.

All my love,

Amanda




Edited 1/19/2005 12:22 am ET ET by schitz

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 01-19-2005 - 1:54pm

Thanks so much, Amanda...it's so kind of you to write a post to me even when you are having such a hard time yourself! I will keep trying...thanks for the encouragement...just making it to class doesn't feel like much, but I guess it's a start.

I'm not sure if my pdoc will have me try any more medications because I've already been through the gamut of antidepressants, as well as lithium. Because she didn't mention anything about meds last time, I think maybe she's decided this is more a "thinking" problem in my case than a biological problem? I don't know...but I don't feel like her therapy will help my thoughts, and there don't seem to be that many more meds out there.

Yes, I have done CBT for several years, off and on...I also did DBT for a while with one therapist. I guess I'm kind of hopeless since with CBT, I could never seem to convince myself that my negative thoughts had any significant chance of being wrong...guess I'm just too stubborn! I could give it another try, though...

Thank you for sharing about your SI...you're right, I know I don't want to go down that path (already, I won't wear a bathing suit because of some anxiety-induced (I think) scarring. The SI I have been doing is so mild that it leaves no scar...but unfortunately, I think that's mainly because I couldn't find any more damaging instruments to use! (Sorry, I hope this isn't triggering).

I've been trying to figure out what thoughts I had at the time, but I think a lot of it was just an attempt to create physical pain to distract me from my emotional pain...like when you're getting a shot at the doctor's and you squeeze someone's hand to distract you from the pain. But I guess some of it could also have to do with my thoughts of "I hate myself" and "I'm useless, I can't change, I hate everything that I have done or thought," that kind of thing!

I guess those kinds of thoughts are why my therapist/pdoc thinks I need to figure out why I feel so inferior to other people (particularly my sister). But I doubt that figuring out why will really make those feelings go away...if those feelings really are what's been triggering these episodes, which I'm not sure is the case.

I just feel like I've basically run out of options for help, so the best I can do is try to deal with the pain on my own as best I can and try to hide it from the world, since no good is really going to come of sharing it. I just feel so lost and hopeless...thank you again so much for your post...it is really nice here to find out that someone else understands.

Thanks again,

Rose

P.S. Oh, one thing that makes me feel even more hopeless...when I saw my former primary care doctor a while back (maybe a year ago), he suggested that I might be a good candidate for ECT since he agreed that I've already been through the medications. I know I can't have ECT for a variety of reasons, so I feel pretty stuck.




Edited 1/19/2005 1:56 pm ET ET by rosa444
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Wed, 01-19-2005 - 5:51pm

Rose,


I know you haven't seen this doc for all that long and if I remember right you've been to a lot of different docs over the years.

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 01-19-2005 - 6:44pm

---TRIGS LATER IN POST...self-harm--

Thank you, Marci...you made some very good points...I hadn't even thought of the role my appointment-rescheduling could play in all this. I guess I wasn't feeling quite this bad until recently...so I did decide to keep my Friday appointment even though it will mean missing two classes. It's also sometimes hard to hide from my friends who ask where I'm going...I tell them I have a doctor's appointment, but I don't look sick, so I know they must be wondering.

And I can see your point about it taking a long time to get over old issues...my pdoc said something similar when I told her about my frustration with the process. I think all the things you mentioned could be part of it for me...some things I don't want to face, and also I'm really scared that when I do face them, I won't be able to resolve them or to handle the emotions they cause and will end up in the hospital or worse. I did tell my pdoc this, and she said that even if I didn't talk about them, I would end up dealing with them some way or another, and that would be even more unhealthy.

And I guess she's right...I probably am not yet over issues from the past. And I'm not being healthy in dealing with them. But already, even not facing these issues, I feel like I can barely make it through the day...I get so agitated and sad all the time that I feel like I absolutely can't wait for the months or years it will take to get over these issues...I need something to do to get me through this day and this week.

At my last appointment, my pdoc said she thought I had a lot of anger built up inside and that I tended to turn it against myself. I hadn't thought I was angry particularly, but I realized she's right...but then I also realized that it is more like uncontrollable rage that is flaring up inside me (very bizarre for a vegetarian pacifist like myself!). I don't think I can handle it...and hence the trigs to come...

Tonight my agitation has increased once again (I probably should stop drinking soda earlier in the day maybe...but that's all that keeps me awake in lecture). Anyway, I feel like I simply can't handle the stress and pain anymore...I have not been planning to do anything completely fatal, but I am having an incredibly hard time resisting the urge to take too many pain relievers to knock me out for a day or so. I've done that before on impulse, and I am so close to that again...

I guess I will try to get my sore body back onto the treadmill (I'm already sore from exercising because I guess I have been using that to get some of the energy out), and maybe that will help. But I can't focus on any schoolwork or anything productive...I feel like I can barely breathe under the weight of all this sadness and frustration...but I don't want to end up in the hospital.

Thanks for listening, and I will do my best to keep myself safe,

Rose

Avatar for schitz
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
Thu, 01-20-2005 - 1:22am

Hi again Rose.

Believe me going to class is an accomplishment. Never let yourself get trapped in thinking that things are too small to be accomplishments. I know getting out of bed can be an accomplishment.

You said you've been through the ADs and lithium, but what about other mood stabilizers.
Also, jumping ahead, why can't you do ECT?

You're not hopeless, you just haven't finished the process of therapy yet. I know sometimes it can feel like the tdocs have no idea what they're talking about and don't seem like they are helping, but hang on. Even if nothing changes now, something will click at some point, and the therapy might get better.

i don't mind sharing about my SI. And your talking about it is not a trig for me right now. The last time I did it it was of the non-scarring variety which is good because of my dad's upcoming wedding, but it wasn't because of that that I didn't do worse but the fact that I didn't have anything to do any more damage with. I used a safety pin off my bag. (I've been known to use pens with metal parts and even took the blade out of my sharpener during an exam once...ewww that can't be too sanitary). I really hope that you will be able to avoid SIing. It can be a real trap and suck you further and further in. Anytime you want to talk I'll be here. You can email me wiccan_amethyst_jean@hotmail.com if you want.

Again I say you are not hopeless. And you don't have to hide your pain from the world. At least not us. Share all you want.

Amanda

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 01-20-2005 - 6:02pm

Amanda, thank you so much once again...your post gave me a lot to think about. I will try to see my accomplishments as worthwhile, even if they seem small to me.

To answer your question, I haven't tried any mood stabilizers except lithium (oh, and about 2 days of Seroquel, which made me very drowsy). As for ECT, my current pdoc hasn't mentioned it, and I doubt she will...but I'm pretty sure that would involve my leaving school, plus dealing with short term memory loss that would make it hard to come back... plus I wouldn't have insurance to cover it, and my mom was completely freaked out by the idea.

I do really hope that therapy will get better...I just got back from a session today, and I feel about equally as frustrated leaving as I did when I got there. For a while, the pdoc was quiet and told me just to talk about whatever came to mind...being the inhibited type (and not really having too many spontaneous thoughts, sadly enough!), I couldn't really think of much...we did end up having a conversation about some hard times I had a few years back.

I'm just finding it hard to accept that it will take so long before I will ever have a chance of feeling decent again. Well, my pdoc did remind me that it wasn't so long ago that I was feeling fine and saying everything was going well...but it feels like it was a lifetime ago, like I'm hardly the same person who said those things! But I asked her several times what I could do, or if there was anything she could do, to help me just "make it" through my days...and she said she just didn't know. :(

No changes in medication, no real change in the course of therapy...it's hard to see much reason for hope right now. I will try to see it, though...thanks again so much for posting...and I will take your advice on trying my best to avoid SI,

Rose

Avatar for schitz
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
Fri, 01-21-2005 - 2:11am

Just so you know ECT isn't the barbaric treatment seen in the movies.

I really hope that you get a breakthrough in therapy...I think we all reach plateaus at times that we just can't get anywhere. I hope you get that Eureaka! moment and figure out what you need to talk about. I've been reading over my journals from talking to my friend/pastor and didn't even realize the things that I had talked about, but that's beside the point. I was just thinking I could maybe suggest some things to think about, although that will have to wait for a different day. Time for take 2 of bed. Tired all the time since quitting smoking but still have trouble getting to sleep and waking up many times. Had to get up to get a phone number for one of my coworkers who called me and then tried to go to bed again (I guess this will be take 3 then) and couldn't get to sleep within 1 1/2 hr so I decided to get up and try doing my work for tomorrow - instead of relying on getting up at 6am and getting it done. (Definately a less likely proposal)

I hope I have some better insight later, my brain seems to be fried right now. I can't think straight...manic mandi here I come.

Hugs,

Amanda

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