ER visit...major trigs...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
ER visit...major trigs...
8
Thu, 01-20-2005 - 1:59am

Just wanted to update you all in case you read my last post, which I guess could have been kind of worrisome...I posted this on the depression support board too, hope that's OK...

Whew, what a night! I ended up giving in to the urges and took a few too many pills...then called my psychiatrist's emergency number and freaked out when she told me I'd have to go to the ER. But I did, and they rushed me in...didn't have to give me any treatment, though, so I think I'd have been fine without going...I did get to talk to a psychiatrist briefly, though, which was slightly comforting, especially since he told me that they try to take especially good care of med students there.

And I'd almost expected they would admit me, but they let me go...it did take a while, of course, but at least there's no overnight stay to explain. I did fudge my answers to the psychiatrist a little in order to appear slightly better off than I was...but oh well...

I didn't tell my parents what happened...only sent them an email earlier today saying I wasn't doing so well (which they basically know is code for "I'm drowning here!"). But when I got a semi-frantic message from my dad, I felt sure my psychiatrist had called him and told him what happened...and I just couldn't face that (because I'd talked with my dad right before taking the pills and told him I was OK...what a liar I am!).

But I returned my dad's call just now and he was just concerned because of the email...what a relief! I guess I still should tell them about this incident, but I feel like I just can't add this huge worry to their lives...the only reason I told them I was doing badly was to prepare them just in case I did end up in the hospital. And they are both worried since they know about my history of depression.

Still feel like there's not much hope out there...the doctor in the ER called my psychiatrist to tell her I was there, and my psychiatrist asked him if he had any recommendations for treating me. The ER doctor suggested maybe raising my dose of Prozac, but I can't imagine that would help a whole lot...guess it's something, though. It kind of worries me that my own doctor is asking the ER doctor for help, though!

Sorry to ramble...it's just been a long day! I spoke to my one long-time friend earlier this evening and told him I was too sad to go study...he does know a little about this, but not what happened tonight. I guess I probably shouldn't tell him either since he might get scared or mad at me. And I think talking to any of my less-close friends is out of the question...it does feel so lonely, though.

Thanks for listening,

Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Thu, 01-20-2005 - 9:10am

rose, i'm sorry to hear you had such a rough night.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Thu, 01-20-2005 - 12:23pm

Rose,


I am SO glad you're okay and that you went to the ER (and even more glad the amount of pills you took turned out not to be dangerous)!


PLEASE keep your appointment with your pdoc on Friday and be completely honest with her--I think you've got her attention, now keep it by relling her what's REALLY going on!


Hugs,

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
Thu, 01-20-2005 - 12:34pm

Rose,

Hi! I'm glad you're okay and that you called your pdoc. I agree with Marci that now that you have her attention use that in your favor by being open with her about what's going on.

I know we're not the same as looking someone in the eye but we're here for you. Keep posting.

Love,

Jamie

Love,

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 01-20-2005 - 6:15pm

Thank you all so much...yes, it's not quite the same as talking to someone face-to-face, but it is still my biggest source of hope and comfort to be able to come here and be open about things.

As it happened, my pdoc had a cancellation for this afternoon, so I just got back from an appointment with her. We talked a bit about last night...but then moved on to talking about some hard times I had a few years ago. I was as open with her as possible...and I tried my hardest to explain this horrible feeling inside of me, this oppressive sadness and frustration...she thought it could be related to an inability to express myself well, which I agree could be a big part of it...but she said we'd try in later appointments to figure out what exactly it is.

The thing that left me hopeless, though, was her response to me when I asked her repeatedly "what can I do to get through my day?"...hoping she would suggest something, anything...a different med, a relaxation technique, I don't know. Even after our appointment was officially over, I realized I was leaving just as hopeless as when I came, so I asked her again...and she said, "I just don't know." That was it...my eyes teared up again, and I just said goodbye and left without an answer.

I guess there really isn't an answer, and as she said earlier in the session, my life is really my responsibility...no one can be in charge of making sure I stay alive! (not her words, though). She did say that if thinking about my parents is my only reason to hold on, then to think about that...but it just doesn't seem to be enough.

I just don't know what to do...I can't seem to focus enough to study or do anything else productive, and I just feel this enormous weight hanging over me, this pressure that makes me feel like I can hardly stand to be awake and conscious. I wish I knew why, or what to do about it! I guess I can just try to hold on and hope it passes eventually...

Thanks again so much for the support...if any of YOU have any suggestions on what to do, that would be great as well...

Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
Thu, 01-20-2005 - 8:20pm

Rosa,

This is going to sound a little simplistic. It's not meant to be. I just thought of this because I'm depressed right now. I have a CD I call my perky CD. On it I've burned only cheerful upbeat songs. I put it on and sing to it at the top of my lungs. It makes me feel better. I can stay above bottom that way. Hope this helps.

Love,

Jamie

Love,

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 01-21-2005 - 12:04am

Thank you, Jamie...I didn't think that was too simplistic at all. Music can definitely have an effect on me...I was actually listening to my most depressing CD yesterday, which I guess is a bad habit of mine when I feel down! I don't own much music (and I'm not sure if I even have one "happy" CD...guess that's from years of depression!)...but I will at least turn on the radio to an upbeat station and try to get out of this funk.

I do sometimes feel better when I exercise and listen to upbeat music at the same time... but I haven't been able to today or yesterday because my stomach is incredibly upset (guess that's to be expected).

But I did manage to tell my long-time friend tonight about what I did...he has had depression also, but I think I scared him...guess it was good at least to tell someone. I still feel so hopeless and also very worried about the upcoming weekend since weekends are generally worse for me.

I really appreciate the suggestion...I will definitely try it...thanks!

Rose




Edited 1/21/2005 12:06 am ET ET by rosa444
Avatar for schitz
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
Fri, 01-21-2005 - 2:15am

Rose -

I'll have to get back to you when I'm not such a zombie, but I will try to help you get through the day as much as possible. I also face the problems concentrating and just trying to make it through school and work.

You are not hopeless. We can survive.

I'll talk to you soon,

Amanda

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Avatar for schitz
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
Fri, 01-21-2005 - 2:26am

yes music definately and exercise. For me it's playing my guitar...or of course listening to cds. My guitar is especially helpful when I'm stressed.

Why am i not in bed yet *devilish grin* heheh

Amanda

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