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| Fri, 01-21-2005 - 5:40pm |
This is probably going to be long and I apologize for that up front.
My h may have bi polar. I say may because unfortunatly I can't believe a word that comes out of his mouth. He lies about so much and most the time he doesn't need too. He goes to extremes to get what he wants. To me it seemed like he wants to be bi polar because that would explain everything and isn't happy with it just being a mood disorder. I don't know what to think or where to turn.
We have been married for 12 years. He has been abusive off and on pretty much since the beginning. I didn't realize this at first but since I have things have gotten worse. He hasn't hit me in 4 years but the emotional and verbal abuse are bad.
He has for the last year said he needed help and finally on October 31st he went to the local ER were he told them he tried to kill him self by taking about 25 colidine (grrr I can't spell, its used for blood pressure in some and my DS takes it to help him sleep but H did take his own bottle of it) that did nothing to him. He was in their behavioral health lock in unit for 5 days and then spent 5 days at the state physiatric hospital. He hasn't been stable since coming home. It is the same things of me not knowing what is going to set him off. Him losing it often and severely. On Christmas he threatened to rape me. He swears that wasn't what he meant but the words he used were used by someone else that was accused of raping someone. Was the second time he used those words to me.
No Dr he has seen has told me bi polar the only thing I was told was from the first hospital that he wasn't consistent with bi polar and they were treating the symptoms. She thought it was more of a mood disorder. At the second hospital I never talked to the DR but the social worker agreed that he goes to extremes to get his way. She wasn't sure what he was being treated for and never got back to me. She also told me he has abondment issues stemming from his childhood, which I can see why he does and that would explain the constant reassurance he seems to need from me that I love him and am not going anywhere and why he goes to extremes to get those.
I do not know how to help him. He says he just needs my love and affection but I can't give it to him right now. This makes things worse. He went in today for a med check and had his meds changed. I told him I needed a Dr to tell me what is going on with him before I can believe it. He told me the DR told him today they haven't labeled him bi polar because it could cost him his job. Do Drs really do that type of thing?


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April.
Your husband does exhibit some symptoms of BP--lying/making up stories is one of them, as can the rages & over-interest in sex.
More like he is slightly depressed then rages then is over it and thinks all is right with the world. Last night started with me not having anything to say to him when I called him about 9 pm. I rarely have much to say to him but I really can't talk to him. It is taken wrong or thrown in my face later. He was upset but not overly then when I called before I went to bed (he drives truck over the road) he raged. It was awful. He said some really horrible things to me and I acted like I just didn't care. I called at 11:30 and he let me off the phone at 2 am. I did just hang up on him and planned on just going to bed but I know how that makes things worse. He was coming home so I picked up and stayed till he said I could go to bed. I don't get much sleep anyway but I am fighting with allergies and have been worn out.
The highs don't fit him. He is in a good mood when things are going his way but as soon as they are not he is raging. The rages aren't lasting as long as they had started too. They were lasting 2 to 5 days .
The lows fit him to a tee. Those sometimes happen after a raging session.
He seems to be putting all of this on my shoulders. He goes backwards and it is my fault because I am not showing him any affection (I try but I haven't been able too) and I am not supporting him. He left today claiming it is forever and keeps asking if this is what I want . When I finally said yes he lost it. Am I wrong for needing to see changes before I can start giving? He has been worse since he got out of the hospital and has a reason for his behavior. I am just suppose to pretend it didn't all happen because he is sick but he tears me down to the ground. I have anxiety and I am not dealing well with any of this right now.
He is upset with me because I need to hear from a Dr this is what is going on. He doesn't understand why I don't believe him. He doesn't understand why I need time. I want to go to counseling but feel only someone who specializes in DV could help me and he is against me seeking that type of counseling. Swears they will only counsel me to leave him. Maybe I need one who deals with mood disorders instead? I really don't know anymore. I only know I can't take all that is heaped on my shoulders right now.
He is seeing a therapist but he comes home from there telling me his therapist said it sounds like I left the marriage. Sounds like I did it for no reason either. He was told he needs to move out because I have nothing left for him. I do not believe this because the counselor has never talked to me. How can he know what I am feeling?
I haven't tried talking to the DR. We are
Hi!
I'm not as good at this as Marci is. With that in mind here goes...
The meds he's on are for bp. Depikote is used as a mood stablizer. I don't know anything about the other drug. I've just heard of it around the board. Someone else will be able to tell you about that. He needs to be on welbutrin or something for depression along with the mood stablizer.
Don't apoligize about spelling I can't spell to save my life and the other ladies here still love me.
Your husbands rages might be his highs and the period of time where he's happy things are going his way. Sometimes that's how they happen. There is something called hypomanic where we don't get quite as high as others. That said there is no excuse for abuse. I rage when unmedicated. That doesn't mean it's okay for me to take it out on anybody else. This is an illness but we have to deal in the real world too and there's just no excuse for abuse. You do not deserve to be hurt!!!!!! and niether do your children!!!!!!! Enough said.
Being over sexed is part of the disease. It is not fixed by having sex. I feel better after sex but it has nothing to do with my disease. I have learned to control myself. And threats of rape are never excusible.
I don't get the part about the doctor not committing it to paper either or labeling him. I know when your bp it is harder to get a drivers lisence but, it's not impossible and no doc is going to risk his med lisence by not properly dxing your h.
As much as your h might tell you otherwise, you are never responsible for how someone else feels. Though things can set me off one way or the other, the ultimate responsibility is on me and my disease.
The thing about the tdoc saying "it sounds like I've left the marriage" first of all was taken out of context. I just wonder what the rest of that sentence was and what the conversation was about. In therapy you work on you not on someone else.
As for not going to the DV consular or not listening to your friend. You need to do what's best for you and your children. This is a horrible debilitating disease. I watch my husband have to live with it everyday. I am no longer abusive but I was when we first got married. I never hit him (by the grace of God)but I did rage. That was just for about a month or so when I wasn't on meds and out of control. I did get better. So I guess I don't want to give you the idea you should leave your husband but, be safe.
I hope somehow this all helped. You keep posting all you want. You're always safe here with us.
Love,
Jamie
Love,
April,
The meds your DH are on are very commonly prescribed for BP.
He has been taken off he Seroquel because it was making him paranoid? He was put on something that he said is a short term drug used to stabilize. I can't even remember what it starts with but will ask him tomorrow and post what it is.
Even with taking the meds he does not sleep when at home. He gets himself so worked up because I ignore him (I do) that he can't sleep. He spends part of the night going though everything on the computer and looking at boards he knows I post at. Probably looks for boards about DV to see if I am posting anywhere else. I am sure he spends time trying to get in to my email. If he finds anything I hear about it right away no matter what time it is. I am no saint and have made some mistakes but I am fed up with being treated like this. I want to know that my life isn't going to be flipped upside down and threats to be made when ever things are going bad for him. I know some things are out of his control but when he is flipping out it is hard to remember that.
It is worse for him because our 9 year old DS has problems and I do wonder at times if he has been mis dxed. H watches how I take care of DS and wants the same type of thing but it is different when the two flip out. Is that the wrong way to think about this? When DS flips I want to help him get over it. When H flips out I want to get as far away as possible when if I just gave him what he wanted (everything pretty much leads to sex) then he might stop but I can't do it at that moment and then later I can't because I am so sure if I had just given in earlier it wouldn't have gotten so bad and I get mad and upset all at once. I really do feel like I am only around for sexual reasons. He says this isn't true because he buys me anything I want when we can afford it and brings me home key chains from where he has been. But that is typical abusive behavior. I get so confused on if he is abusive or has a mental illness or maybe it is both? I really don't know anymore.
When he goes to the Dr we have usually had a fight and so when he goes he is on edge. Your right he could be simply misunderstanding what is said. But I think he know sand just twists it to fit his purpose. Or maybe I misunderstand him? I feel attacked when he comes home like it is all my fault. Usually I am hit with how unsupportive I am in some way. I have a letter that he wrote me when he was in the hospital should I show it to his Dr? He has one that is of the same tone written to him when he was in the hospital by his mother. Should his Dr see both? I don't know if that will help at all but I have both.
He is seeing a male tdoc. He was upset by that. He thought a female would be easier to talk to. I don't want to do couple's counseling yet. I think he is a long ways away from that one. I know he has to have the right mind set for that and I do not think he does. I think right now that would cause more trouble then it is worth. A problem I have with him and counseling is I went to go about 2
Wanted to add about the rape comment. First I want to say I am not making excuses for him. I really want to know if this type of thing goes along with bipolar. He claims he never would have done it that he did it to get a reaction out of me. I think he expected me to sleep with him on my own so he wouldn't. Or maybe it was just to get me to think. he told me several years back when he was just saying nasty things and wouldn't stop that it was to get a reaction out of me. Was more like he admitted to that when I accused him of doing that. I could see him having just said that to get a reaction but how far would a person like this go to get that reaction?
I have had long discussions with a friend of mine about all of this. I have wondered if his self esteem is so low that he expects me to leave? So instead of making me want to stay he does everything he can think of that would drive most people away because deep down he knows I care? He gets me to prove I am not going anywhere by throwing all these awful things at me and since I stay I care? He keeps doing it because he needs this constant reassurance always that I am not going anywhere and the only way he can be sure is by doing what would drive most people away? Is this making any sense? It is 1:30 and I should be in bed and am going there now, lol. Hope this made sense to someone.
Hi!
I read all three of your posts even though the first two weren't addressed to me.
You post here anytime you feel safe. Delete anything you need to. You keep yourself safe first!
I'm on a fence. I keep hopping from one side to the other. Your h is sick with a nasty disease but there's a line that you can step over into abuse. Both verbial and physical. I can understand the insecurity. When my dh (I'm on #5 and that's another story all together!)and I were first married I can see how I pushed him (not conciously) hard to see if he would leave. (now that's an embarrassing revalization)It was during the first few months of our marriage. I grew out of it then. It was abusive on my part even for that short time and I regret it. Being bp would not have been an excuse to keep treating him that way. There are times when you're cycling that it is hard to control but, I and some other people here have learned not to take it out on other people.
Now you said your husbands pdoc says he's been cycling even on the meds. That's plausible. Until he gets stablized some meds can actually make it worse. It's a hit and miss process because everyone is different. Some people it takes a while to get the "cocktail" of meds right. The mood stabilizer he is on now might well be temperary but, he will most likely always be on some type of mood stabilizer.
I hope for your sake your h stays with a tdoc. He sounds like he's got alot more going on then just bp. The paranoia is pretty typical of our disease. His trying to get in your e-mail and your board posts is probably part of that. The isolating you could be the paranoia or part of an abusive personality. See why I'm on the fence?
As to how far he will go to get a reaction that's the $6,000,000 question. You need to be careful! If he was a "normie" I'd say run, but I have to remind myself he's sick. There is no excuse for phsycal abuse of any kind.
About the rocking and mimic problems so he will get your attention, you're quite possibly right. Though it's not unusual to rock when you can't sit still you know his personality better than us so that very well could be why he's doing it. If he lies allot you have to go with your gut.
About the sex...that's definatly part of this disease! When we go up it sends our libido into orbit! It's pretty bad but, you learn to deal with it and getting stable on meds helps with it too. The libido problem isn't cured with sex but, everybody feels better after orgasim. That's just human.
I doubt he's faking bp like you friend suggested. BP is no fun! If you were going to fake a disease this probably would not be anyones first choice.
I guess what I trying to say is this is a devistating disease. It takes alot of victims including our families. At some point your going to have to decide if you can stick it out or not.
I'm sorry your ds is sick too. That must be horrible for any parent to have to deal with. I hope he gets a proper dx soon and they can help him before he gets too far along.
You keep posting whenever you can. Take care of you. By the way the picture of your girls is adorible.
Love,
Jamie
Love,
I am on the fence to and am not sure what to think anymore.
I am hoping he keeps going to see the tdoc. I think he has to for the program he is on (helping to pay for meds) but I hope he starts realizing why he needs to be there and works on his issues and leaves me out of it.
Thank you about my pictures, first one is DS though =).
Sorry about calling your DS a DD. He's a beautiful child.
Love,
Jamie
Love,
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