HELP....possible triggers

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
HELP....possible triggers
8
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 4:36pm

Well.....seems that I have a rash over 100% of my body. It is small red itchy bumps, like heat rash. There is no way that is what it is. It is cold, its winter. My nerves are truly playing havoc on me today. My x is living with a woman he says he respects and he would NEVER treat her like he did me. That was a blow. Hopefully she'll serve up some of his own medicine to him. I can't believe he said that. He said she isn't crazy, and she is nice to me. Well.....he doesn't beat her!!!!! I'm not jealous, I'm furious. She is getting the respect I deserved. Not that I want him back, it just simply hurts like he**!!!!! I gave him 12 years of my life, since I was 24. Now 36 and childless. I just keep having nightmares that a faceless woman is pregnant and my x is the dad. Ladies, that would seriously put me in the hospital.

I want to stop thinking of it all, but I can't. I know he is a no good piece of do-do and I would never want to be in a relationship with him again. It just hurts. Had he treated me like he is her, then I would have a family and we would be happy. Very happy. We were before the beatings started. I know in my heart he will never lay a hand on her, thank God! But, why did I deserve it? Because I'm sick and my meds made me crazier than I actually am? I suppose so.

I've been having really bad thoughts. I'm going to my Mom's tonight after work so she can look at the rash and talk to me. If it wasn't for my Mom and my twin sister's daughter I think I would have already committed suicide. I know I would have.

I just want the pain to stop. My nerves are shot, I'm crying uncontrollably at times. I can't think of anything, ANYTHING w/o bawling like a baby.

I guess I'm much weaker than I thought. I want to move on, but it is still very painful. 12 years is a long time to just turn off the feelings no matter how badly I was treated. I still loved him. I still love him, I'm just not in love w/him. OMG....I'm a case today.

Pdoc will be getting a call from me tomorrow if this doesn't pass. I need something to help me. Valium or something stronger, if they make anything stronger let me know. Please. I'm a mess. I wish I could let you see my rash. It is seriously bad, on my face in my hair, in places you can't scratch in public. It's painful and scaring the crap out of me. Nothing has changed in my life (food, detergent, etc) so I know it is my nerves and my x that is causing all this.

Why can't I just let go? I know why, he keeps freaking calling me. but I think I put an end to that today. He may never contact me again.

Well.....that is my life today. Sorry yall.
HUGS!!!!!
Carla

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 5:03pm

carla, i'm so sorry you have to go through this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 5:08pm

Traci,

I'm on Paxil 50mg at night and klonopin (lowest possible dose) when needed. I still take vistaril when I'm low on my klonopin but pdoc said that would not bother me.

Could it be my nerves?????? I'm really rapid cycling and crying non stop, for a while now. I'm the worse mess I've been in some time.

I'm scared and don't have the money to go to any type of doc, especially the ER. I'll give it a few days. My stomach is a mess too. Truly falling apart in WV here.

(((((HUGS)))))
Carla

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 5:52pm

carla,


unfortunately, i don't know anything about the meds you mentioned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 5:57pm

Carla,


How do you know he's treating her good?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 7:00pm

Carla,

I agree with Traci that it might be your meds. I also think it could be your nerves. I can break out in a pretty itch and painful rash all over my body from nerves. On my wedding day I wore drop shoulders and I has a nice red rash on my chest! If your pdoc doesn't give you any answers try some bennadryl(Diphenhydramine HCI) the antihistamine. It helps. I use the generic from Wal-mart and it's not very expensive that way. Watch it, it can make you drowsey.

Your X husband's an A**!!!!! Notice the capital A. I agree with Marci he's not beating her yet. And who knows he could just be lieing to you. He's just trying to minipulate you and make you miserible because he's a miserible human being. He can't get away with hitting you so he verbally abuses you!!!!! Don't let him know it gets to you. The next time he tells you he doesn't do to this new one what he did to you just say YET and walk away.

Your feelings are pretty normal. I went through it to. My x was a drunk and it took me awhile anyway. You have to mourn the loss of a relationship and this one was more than 12 years long. Let yourself greeve. It's normal!!!

There is NO reason for someone to hit you. That's a defect of their character not yours. You certainly DO NOT deserve to be treated better!!!

I'm glad your going to your Mom's. I think it's neet that you're so close. Someone said you might want to look into new meds if you're crazy on them. Good idea. You don't have to be crazy on meds. If those aren't working for you, try something else. You just have to get the right "cocktail".

You take care of you!

Love,

Jamie

Love,

Avatar for schitz
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
Thu, 01-27-2005 - 1:15am

I agree with what has been said already and am fresh out of innovative things to say lol. I just want you to know that i'm here for you. You are a wonderful, beautiful, worthy person and don't you forget it. I hope things slow down and calm down soon for you.

Stay safe.

Love and hugs,

Amanda

Photobucket

Avatar for babygromit
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 01-27-2005 - 5:13am

That's exactly what I was thinking when I read rash too. Lamictal!! I remember when I took it my doctor warned me about a possible rash and that if I got it to go to the hospital!


Avatar for babygromit
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 01-27-2005 - 5:24am

I don't think Paxil or Klonopin cause rashes. I also take Klonopin and I haven't experienced that. But definitely mention it to the doctor that perscribed those meds to you.


I understand your frustration with your ex-dh. My mom goes through the very same feelings you do (and so do I in defense of my mom). I love my dad very much but he was a total a**hole to my mother when they were married!! He treated her like dirt and that she was worth nothing. He was just a mean person. But now that he's gotten older he's mellowed into this really great person that I love being with. Problem is he's remarried and is a wonderful husband to his new wife. I really like her and would never want him to treat her badly but sometimes it angers me that she gets the good treatment and my mom got sh*t on by him. It's not fair that she has all the bad memories and the scars to go with them and my dad's new wife gets the royal treatment!!


I don't know why things like that happen in life and I'm very sorry you're going through that. But know you're not alone, so many women go through this. At least that's what I try to tell my mom so she knows it's not her that deserved that treatment. She didn't ask for it and she's not a bad person who brought the worst out in my father. He was just a horrible jerk back then and for some unknown reason changed drastically. You're a good person too and never deserved to be hurt.


Hugs to you I know this is hard!!