im sad
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| Thu, 01-27-2005 - 12:25am |
Im sad. as usual i let someone else bring me down. its bad enough we're so hard on ourselves without someone else making us feel that way. It doesnt take much for me at least.
Heres my story. i read an article that upset me so i sent in a response to Associated Press. i was very proud of myself and sent a copy to some of my friends in my email address book. of course it took me an hour to write cause i kept deleting and changing my mind about even sending it. well finally sent it and then went into a panic because i sent it...blah blah blah. I called my best friend to see if she got my email and to ask her, her opinion on it. She was very non-commital and finally got around to saying it was "alright" and "why did you even bother, no one cares anyway" she really hurt my feelings. i know not everyone going to agree with everything i do but... i don't know.. it's just so stupid!
I wish it wasn't so easy for me to feel hurt by the smallest things. i try to say so what but doesnt seem to work. i guess i just wanted her approval i don't know why.
i know wah! wah! wah! i hate myself. and i hate her for making me feel this way!
after she made her little comment i really lost interest in speaking with her. of course i laughed and joked with her like everything was normal. i guess i should have told her she hurt my feelings but shes one of the only friends i have left... im so tired of faking it! if told half the people how i really really feel when i really really felt it, i'd lose what few friends i have left.
i don't expect any responses, just thoughts that i wanted to get out. i hope i didn't waste anyones time. if i did, im sorry.

(((Valerie)))
I'm so sorry you're sad. I know what you mean about the "littlest" thing upsetting you. Maybe to us it isn't the littlest thing. I wish it was as easy as saying I won't let others bring me down, but we know it doesn't work that way.
If she's really your friend then she'd understand if you told her she hurt your feelings, then again if I told my friends that they'd probably get defensive. Maybe that's just human nature.
I'm proud of you for sending a response to the article. I would never have the guts to do it. Don't second guess yourself. I bet it was wonderful.
You are not wasting anyone's time. That is what we are all here for.
You are loved and wanted and needed.
Amanda
Back in Decemeber I wrote up a letter asking for an IEP (indivulized education plan) meeting for my DS. I had asked verably for one since August with no luck. I asked a friend for help and she took over. The letter she wrote was so rude there was no way I could ever turn it in plus she had somethings wrong. I wrote a softer letter using hers as a template. After I did that I emailed it to a few close friends to see what they thought of it. I still doubted turning that thing in. I held on to it for a week at least before I turned it in. Went in for DD's IEP meeting and showed it to her teacher first. If she had said anything bad about it I doubt I would have turned it in!! She said it was good and I still had doubts but made myself turn it in and email a copy of it to the state head of special ed (I wasn't playing around anymore, can you tell lol). My letter got a huge response. Had an IEP meeting quickly and the district head of special ed was present. She went over my letter and DS's iep with a fine tooth comb. I got everything I wanted and I still wonder if my letter really was good enough. Low self esteem is not fun. I am sorry to hear your friend reacted the way she did.
To get past it I would tell myself it was simply something she wasn't intreseted in because that may be the case. She may not understand why it means so much to you. Like my friend thinks I am silly because I brain washed my oldest to not want to be called Jess. I can't stand the shortening of people's names without the name holder saying everyone calls me Jess. Plus Jess is like nails on a chalk board to me. I have gotten use to it some but I still do not like it and I won't ever call her Jess she will always be my Jessica =). At first I was upset with being told I was silly over this but we just feel differently about this and that is ok as long as she doesn't call her Jess =). But I no longer have to say anything Jessica speaks up over this one now.
Your feelings are not stupid. I can understand why your upset and why you don't want to say anything to her about it. I would take a small break from talking to her and if your response gets published I would have to show it to her and say someone cares but I can be witchy at times =). Hope you start to feel better.
thank you so much amanda. just feel like such a whiner. i wish i could stop crying. this is so stupid! it's not the end of the world! i hate it when i get like this! This just triggered all the hurt, all the pain and insecurities i carry around like a bag-lady!
I'm trying real hard to let this go. why can't i let this go? its just so ridiculous and petty. i definately need my meds adjusted.
thanks again
valerie
You are not a whiner. You have every right to share your frustrations with us. I so wish I could give you a real hug right now. But I guess that isn't possible... (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Valerie))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
You are entitled to feel sad, angry, alone...anything. And you are allowed to let the rest of us know it. Not only are you allowed, but I WANT to hear it. Better than wondering and worrying about all the wonderful people on this board.
Love,
Amanda
Valerie,
I agree with Amanda there's no such thing as a whiner on this board. You aren't bothering anybody as much as you would be if you didn't post what's going on with you.
I'm proud of you for sending that letter. Contrary to what your friend said those letters DO get read. I send letter to my congressmen all the time. The one here and the one in Texas. I only occationally get a response but I know they get read. How this democrat ended up with two republican states I'll never know. LOL
I don't think you're way off base being hurt by what your friend said. Even if she wasn't wild about the letter she could have been more supportive.
I hope you feel better soon.
Love,
Jamie
Love,